Thursday, September 18, 2014

The Summer of Suck.

It’s been The Summer of Suck. And I’ve got to get out of this place. 

In the early and mid summer mornings, I would break out of dreams due to the sun burning hot on my bare legs, white light pouring in from the skylight. I’d open my eyes and stare at the ceiling, feeling as if a two hole punch had been taken to my heart. Two tiny punctures, that I kept trying to heal with heat and light and sand…or cover up with alcohol, cigarettes, and avoidance. It kept me restless and bored during the day, listless and quiet through the night. Maybe I should talk to someone, I would think, just to make sure that I’m alright. Maybe this is finally the time to go on something. Or maybe I should just have another glass of wine, go out for another cigarette.

After a year of being a quitter, I started smoking again in the beginning of June. And drinking. A lot. I told people it was just something I did when it was summer - cocktails, campfire, and cigarettes, The Summer Trifecta - but really it was because I had Too Many Feels and didn’t want to go to bed. Or write, or think. I didn’t write - not really, not anything substantial - all summer. I didn’t want to go deep, and I felt like I had nothing to say. So instead I’d stay out on the deck all night, smoking and sipping cocktails, listening to music. 

It was the music that was my first sign. I kept getting frustrated with it…nothing seemed to correctly capture how I felt. I couldn’t find that one song that matched, the one with the perfect lines to describe exactly what I was going through. And then I realized that I was frustrated because I couldn’t find a song that could make me cry. A weird thing about me: When I am happy, when I feel normal, I’m a total bawl baby…I cry at happy things, sad things, funny things, at the way the light pours into my window on a rainy afternoon. When I’m depressed but do not yet fully realize it, I can’t cry. I want to, because I know it will somehow make me feel better, but the water works are stuffed up, shut down. No matter how much I try to make them, the tears just won’t come. 

And the boredom. And the loneliness. Sometimes it was hard, to differentiate between whether I really was tired of this town or if I was just genuinely depressed. If I really was painfully lonely, or if I was just craving another type of distraction. Nothing created excitement anymore. When I’m happy, when I feel normal, I will literally bound out of bed in the morning. There Are Things To Do, I will think, and I’ll race through my shower and breakfast because I’m so anxious to get going on all these great ideas and plans. Yet this summer, I struggled to think of even a few things that I’d be excited about doing. That would make me happy, that I would like. Nothing tasted good, nothing sounded good, nothing felt good. I began to understand why people get addicted to drugs or porn or alcohol: Those things can become your best friend when nothing else seems to make you feel steady. They’re reliable, you know? You know that, eventually, you’re going to find that high and get to come or at least have the edge taken off, a little bit, of how you feel right then. For me, it was knowing that when I got off from work, all that there was to do, all that I wanted to do, was sit on my deck, put my earphones in, light up a cigarette, and drink a beer. I didn’t want to go out, because I knew I would just be searching the room for the kind of new face I’m never going to find here. I didn’t want talk to anyone, because there never seemed to be anything new to talk about. I didn’t want to have to listen to or engage in what someone else was saying, because it all seemed so uninteresting. Sitting on my deck by myself, I didn’t have act or work at pretending that I was happy and things were good. I could just be quiet and smoke and think about nothing. And if I did think about something, all I wanted to think about was getting out of here. Here: Physically, emotionally, metaphorically. About the day when somehow things would change and I would feel better than I felt right then. 


It was when I was having a conversation with my friend Jen that I remembered. Sitting on the sun porch, she was telling me a story about her weekend, and I found myself struggling to affect the proper expressions - interest, engagement, Oh that’s funny tell me what happened next. It wasn’t that what she was saying was boring…it was just that I felt so numb and empty of emotion that I had to force myself to demonstrate facial affect. And I suddenly remembered the last time I had felt that way: A handful of years ago, the summer after I had first moved to Minneapolis. I had just arrived at my best friend Katy’s apartment, and was waiting for her and our friend Kim to finish getting ready so we could head to P.D. Pappy’s to see our favorite cover band perform. I remember sort of laying my head down on the arm of Katy’s couch while she chit-chatted about her day, and feeling like I just didn’t have the energy to say anything back. Our beloved friend Kim was in town, we were going out to our favorite waterside bar to hear one of our favorite bands, it was going to be a beautiful summer night, and I just felt…nothing. Blah. Like someone had sucked all the energy and enthusiasm and emotion out of my body with a straw, and I had nothing left. I spent the rest of the night struggling to pull myself out of it, but it felt like trying to swim at the bottom of the ocean…every gesture heavy, every small motion a struggle. Kim and Katy noticed that I was too quiet, that I didn’t seem to have much to say, and I didn’t know how to explain it to them…I was glad I was with them, I didn’t really want to be anywhere else, but I couldn’t seem to find that chatty, enthusiastic, smiling girl that I usually was. I didn’t know how to be her anymore. 

The rest of the summer was more of the same. It ended in a serious intervention by Katy (and a lifelong avoidance of The Fray’s “How To Save a Life” by the both of us). I didn’t want to admit how bad things were. I had had all of these awful things happen the year before, and when they finally caught up with me, I still wanted to keep pretending to myself and everyone else that I was okay, that I felt totally normal (even though it was probably more normal to not be okay). Except that, if I wasn’t engaging in destructive behaviors, then I was giving absolutely no fucks about my life in general. I didn’t care if I did or did not call or email my friends for weeks on end, I didn’t care if I barely ate all day, I didn’t care if I was bouncing checks, I didn’t care if I screwed up at work. It was just too much energy - energy that I didn’t seem to have anymore - to care about that stuff. 

If it’s like that again, then we’re really in trouble, I found myself thinking, as I shifted in my chair and absentmindedly nodded at Jen once more.


On a particularly nice summer Wednesday evening, I hosted a campfire party for a bunch of coworkers and friends to say goodbye to one of our favorites, Tom, who was leaving at the end of the week to go off to college. A guy that I had been kind-of-sort-of flirting with over the middle of the summer came to the campfire around midnight. He showed up baked, proceeded to get even more mind-numbingly stoned over the course of the evening, and then, at the end of the night, after everyone had gone home and it was just us, he told me that he wasn’t going to kiss me because he didn’t like doing things that people expected him to do. To top the bullshit cake with some fuckery icing, after battling with him for almost an hour about wanting him to sleep on my couch (alone) for a couple of hours instead of driving home high, I stood in my front yard and watched as he literally sprinted away from me to his vehicle, then started the jeep up and drove away. 

This is not the caliber of life you are seeking, I heard a voice say. 

It’s that moment when time freezes and you realize that you’ve dropped so far below of what you used to accept for yourself that you hardly even recognize yourself anymore. Danielle LaPorte has the line right: While I professed to suffer no fools, I was, you know, suffering some serious fools. If I were happier, if I felt better, I probably wouldn’t have even invited Smokey Jackson to my party in the first place. But I did, because I was bored and wanted a distraction and was so desperate to feel even just a little bit of excitement that I was starting to not even care who it came from. I had been in this place before - I had even written a novel about it - and I knew where that place would take me, if I let it. And I never wanted to go there again. 

That is not the caliber of life I am seeking. 

So a few nights later, I sat on the steps of my deck and thought about all the things I was doing - right in that moment, even - that I didn’t really want to do, and how those things were keeping me from all the things I wanted to do. Depression is a tricky bitch. The normal/feeling part of my brain wants to kick in the door of that motherfucker with guns blazing, while the other part of me - the depressed part - is all, “You know what would be really great right now? If we took another nap.” It doesn’t want to go away, and it definitely doesn’t want me to muster up enough energy to make it go away. It wants to camp out in my backyard - in a tent it borrowed from me - sneak into my house while I’m at work and steal all my snacks, and then act all incredulous when I ask it to leave, insisting that this is the best possible thing that’s ever going to happen to me, so why fight it?

And for most of the summer, I didn’t want to fight it. Zoning out in front of the TV was a lot easier than working on my new book. Getting drunk and letting boys who shouldn’t be kissing me kiss me was a lot easier than getting some self-respect. Communing with cigarettes and alcohol was a lot easier than dealing with The Feels head-on. Sleeping for 10+ hours every day/night was a lot easier than getting up and taking care of myself. 

So the summer fucking sucked, basically. 
But would fall be any better? 
I wondered. 


Sitting on the floor of my bedroom, I dug into the journals and blog posts I kept through that first long dark summer, and the autumn after it. I remember the fog lifting in the fall, and I wanted to figure out if it was merely situational - I moved to a new place and changed jobs that early autumn - or if it was something in particular that I had started doing differently. The first thing I remembered was that I started working out regularly, every day. Katy, a habitual gym goer, had told me I should, citing the thing about endorphins, etc, and at a loss of what to do to feel better, I decided to at least give it a try. In my journals and in a blog post, I had recorded - at first begrudgingly, and then gratefully - that she was right, that it did seem to help. That if I went to the gym in the morning, I seemed to feel better throughout most of the day. 

And I started seeing a therapist, because that had been part of the ultimatum that Katy had given me that early fall. We had fought the night before when she didn’t show up at The Shout House, effectively ditching me with a bunch of new coworkers and leaving me feeling stranded in the middle of a downtown that was still foreign and bewildering to me. She had never ditched out on me like that before, and it was the first time in our long friendship when I didn’t try to cover up or excuse my anger towards her. I was fucking pissed. The next morning she showed up at my new place with two Starbucks lattes and a well-prepared speech about how her fear and worry over me was causing both exhaustion and frustration for her. She could no longer stand to keep her mouth shut about what we both knew but I wouldn’t admit, even to myself: That I was depressed, brutally so. It had grown to the point where I secretly considered it to be a valid and ever-constant question, whether life was really worth living anymore. I even found myself engaging in this sort of subconscious ritual, where every Sunday I would go to the Minneapolis Institute of Art, climb up to the third floor, and eventually find myself sitting on the bench in front of the painting Lucretia by Rembrant. I would stare bainfully at her and the gash in her dress, and feel, without wanting to judge it, this sort of kinship, this part inside of me that hungered for the relief of what would come next, if I were her. It scared me that it didn’t scare me, how much of a reality that choice became…how safe it had started to feel; comforting, almost. It’s hard to explain that to those who’ve never been in that place before. I didn’t want to die. But I didn’t really want to live anymore, either.

So I had to start seeing someone, she told me. I needed help, and it was time to stop acting like I was fine and could get through everything on my own, because it obviously wasn’t working. I thought of Lucretia and nodded, agreed to do what Katy said. 

The therapy sessions were at first a disaster, and then (possibly literally) a life saver. At first it sucked because this person didn’t know me, and so I felt like I had 20+ years to catch her up on, which felt like a monumental task that I did not have the energy for. And then she started pulling things out of that life story that were both true and brutal, which basically ended up making me feel worse leaving her office than I did going into it. But slowly, gradually, it started to feel like a relief, to get to talk to this person about my feelings and my life and actually get some qualified answers (or at least some qualified opinions). It was a place where I was allowed to get pissed off and allowed to bawl my head off and allowed to complain and allowed to say things that I had been waiting my whole life to say, and I wouldn’t get judged for it or be accused of doing things wrong too, or commanded to suck it up and stop being so dramatic or emotional. So it helped. It helped. 

During that time I also made some new friends, which made me feel more at home in the city. I started feeling successful at work, and I wrote a TON - that year is probably my most prolific to date in terms of blog posts, and that, on its own, ushered in new and exciting experiences and opportunities into my life. 

So it was a storm of things, I decided, as I wrapped up my journal and blog post digging. It was a combination of situational changes for the better, and active efforts to do things that would make me feel better. 

So, as I do, I began to craft a plan. 


It started with cutting my hair. 

Sitting on the deck of my porch, staring at the stars, I thought about this mini-fantasy I had begun crafting in the middle of the summer, created in response to the cause of one of the heart punctures. It was this peaceful scene of me strolling down a beach boardwalk with my hair a different color, a sleeve of tattoos, a nose piercing, a completely different sense of style. It felt…cathartic. “She’s completely different,” I imagined one of our mutual friends saying. “You wouldn’t even recognize her anymore.” For a large part of the summer, I had wrapped myself up in that vision, in that fantasy, like you would with a warm comforter on a cold night. 

That evening, I examined why I kept going back to that. First, it was a light at the end of the tunnel: This Is Where I’ll Be When I Get Out of Here. Not just geographically, but the peace part of it, the contentment. The sun is shining and I’m comfortable with myself again. The appearance part felt like it symbolized the fact that what I was currently doing - outwardly and inwardly - was no longer serving me. I was trying to - I needed to - morph into something else. 

And cutting my hair felt like the best first step of that. I’ve had long hair my entire adult life, and I resisted changing it because it had always felt like such a part of my identity. But the moment I thought about that, while sitting on the deck that evening, that long hair suddenly felt really heavy. Like it was holding me down, holding me back. And I wanted something I could point to, something I could think of, when it came to changing the somewhat destructive patterns I had fallen into that summer…this girl with the new hair, she probably didn’t hang out in dive bars all Sunday long. This girl with the new hair? Most definitely did not suffer serious boy-type fools. And this girl with the new hair knew how to take care of herself…I mean, after all, just look at that hair.

So in the morning, I strapped on my resolution like a solider, dug out my shears, and lobbed inches off my locks. Then I sat down and figured out what else I could do to match that vision in my head, of Where I'll Be When I Get Out of Here.  

The first part of it was just admitting and accepting that this was what was going on right now. It strikes me, now and again, that I’m really good with encouraging people on Twitter to seek help and to tell others that they trust when they’re struggling with depression, but it’s incredibly difficult for me to take my own advice. Just fucking admit that you’re depressed. It sounds so easy, but it's actually the hardest part of it all. I’ve struggled with depression throughout my entire life. It’s like a sleeping monster…it’s not always stomping through my life, but every so often, a jarring orchestra of events and emotions will awaken and lull it over to the happy, docile village of my everyday life. And admitting that it’s a thing for me - to both myself and others - always feels like I’m giving the monster extra legs. Or that I’m stamping a THE END onto the story of my life, present and future…that’s all that people will remember of me, will judge me by. Despite two books and a zillion blog posts to the (seemingly) contrary, I don’t like to talk about my feelings. This bewilders my mom and a few select others: They doesn’t understand how I can write a blog post or a book about the hard stuff, which hundreds of people will read, but I don’t want to talk about it face-to-face. And it’s because I don’t want to have a conversation about it. My feelings are not up for debate. If you want to seriously piss me off, tell me why I do or do not feel a certain way (because I may not ever master algebraic equations - sorry, Mr. Larson - but when it comes to the correct analysis of my feelings? I GOTS THIS). And it’s fucking true that there are people out there who will make your depression about them - that now, all of a sudden, you have to make them feel better about you feeling better, even if you don’t actually feel any better. Or worse, they’ll try to justify why you shouldn’t feel the way you feel, or why the way you feel isn’t actually real. 

So I don’t like talking about it. But this summer was scary enough that I knew I had to tell a couple of my best friends what was going on. A symptom of the worst phase of  my depression is abject loneliness…it’s the kind of loneliness that feels so unbearable that I find myself thinking that I don’t know if I want to deal with it anymore. And that’s when my depression is at it’s most Tricky Bitch-iest: It tricks you into thinking that you’re depressed because you’re lonely, and when you’re lonely because you don’t have a partner or you live far away from all your friends, it feels like there’s never going to be an answer to your loneliness, you’re always going to feel this way, and so there’s really no hope, so maybe we should just give up, eh? And when it gets to that point, I know I need to talk honestly about it to a couple of my closest friends…even if it’s just to say, “Hey, so I’ve been dealing with kind of a sucky thing right now. I’m working on feeling better, but I just need you to know that that’s what’s going on right now.” 

The second part of it was committing to the mini-steps of sanity and self-care. A few years ago, when a friend of mine was going through a divorce and having a really hard time of it, she sat down with another friend who made a list for her. “Keep it basic,” this friend told her. “Just focus on the basics of self-care…drink water, get eight hours of sleep, eat three healthy meals a day.” To the uninitiated, it sounds so easy and simple. When you are in the throes of The Dark, though, small acts of self-care don’t just feel tedious and annoying…they can feel like monumental tasks that you just don’t have the energy for. I actually begin to resent them - why can’t my teeth just magically brush THEMSELVES? Why can’t someone ELSE pick out my outfits? 

But the first act of battle against my depression starts with this stuff. When I start making myself take out my contacts before I go to bed, even when I don’t want to, even when I’m so tired (#whine) that’s me sounding off the first shot. I am still going to take care of myself, even when this mental bullshit tries to tell me that I don’t want to. If nothing else, I am going to be well rested, well hydrated, well fed, and have clean teeth and clear eyes, even when it’s a total drag to do and be all of that stuff. 

The third part of it was heaving a few roadblocks off the path of feeling good again. I threw away my remaining cigarettes. I don’t need ‘em, I don’t want ‘em, and I already know that I only really smoke when doing two things: 1) Attempting to numb my feelings 2) Drinking to drink. When also brought me to my next bit: Going Drinks Free for a while. Alcohol is the gateway drug for me: When I drink to drink, it leads me into doing all sorts of things that I don’t actually want to do. I turn into Bizarro Amber, basically. And like with smoking, I’ve never felt like I had a full-blown addiction to the Dranks in that I can’t function without them…it’s just that it's so much harder for me to have fun without them, and once I get started, I don't want to stop. And that, lately, has become a problem. So I decided to go Drinks Free for a while, or at least under certain circumstances (for instance, if I’m drinking a glass of wine with my family during dinner, it’s severely unlikely that I’m going to be engaging in any self-destructive behaviors such as calling a boy I broke up with five months ago and leaving him a voicemail of me drunkenly singing “Careless Whisper”. #TrueStory). 

I also decided to go back to full-throttle when it came to the Candida Diaries (again. For the 50th time). I do suspect that my non-Candida eating habits most likely played a large part in causing this last bout of depression. Sugar and processed carbs, whether I want to admit it or not, do seriously fucked up things to my brain. It may have taken The Summer of Suck to finally scare me into the realization that sticking to a Candida protocol is no longer about weight or physical health…it’s also a mental health issue. 

Which does not make sticking to it any less sucky, but. 

The fourth part was adding in some simple things. For instance, exercise is a must. I just gotta fucking do it. And I gotta do the stuff that gets my heart rate up, that releases the endorphins. Yoga is nice and great and it zens me out, but it’s not enough to trip the trigger on the happy brain chemical high that I so desperately need to lift me out of the throes of the sinkhole and into the clouds of “Oh hey, happiness.” If you look at the timeline of my life, you might discover that the times that I’ve picked up running and stuck with it were also times when I was struggling through or coming out of a severe depression, and I didn’t even realize it, until a couple years after. I just knew that it was one of the few things in my life that made me feel strong, in control, and somewhat elated. 

Essential oils were also cool. Using them this summer was kind of akin to the Candida stuff - I did it sporadically, but kind of felt like using them was a waste in the face of all the other crap I was putting into my body. But now that I wouldn’t be smoking or drinking or eating All The Bread, I was ready to start using them on a consistent, daily basis. (I started that night by using Serenity and Balance in my diffuser, and had the first restful night’s sleep of all summer). 

New and novel was also important. Ultra lame boredom is a symptom of my depression, but it’s also not a total bad idea to treat that symptom with some new and fun things, experiences, and people. I’m planning a trip to Ireland in March. I had a moment of genuine homesickness for Erica and Dan and L.A. the other day, and thinking about going there again soon was the first time in months that I felt genuinely jazzed and elated about something, so I’m also planning a trip out there in the next few months. I’m also throwing more parties and making a point to go to more events here, because I want to meet more people and make new memories and have new experiences. 

The fifth part was lifetime maintenance. First, therapy: I gotta go back in. Even if it’s only as a gesture to myself that I take my own mental health and happiness seriously. Therapy is a little like dating - sometimes it takes a few first sessions to find someone you can jive with, but I’m committed to going to that dance. Hopefully I'll find someone I click with, and soon. 

And if I do all these things and the depression is still sticking, then I suck it up, talk to my doctor, and figure out if medication is now the answer. It might be. Before it always felt like it was mostly situational, a response to some past trauma or repressed emotional event. Lately, though, I’ve started to suspect that it’s more circular, these phases, or like waves…which makes me wonder if it’s a chemical imbalance thing. At the end of the day, I don’t want to go on something, but I will if I have to. Because I love myself, and because tricky bitches like depression should only get to win one thing: A big kick to the face with a (super cute) Frye boot. 


This post is the first part of that whole admittance/acceptance thing I talked about above. Like I said before…by putting this out there, it doesn't mean that I want everyone - or anyone - to gather 'round me and have a conversation about it over a cup of coffee (you know who you are, and if you bring it up the next time I see you, I’ll walk out and leave you there), but I also want to put my money where my mouth is when it comes to talking about this stuff. And for me, that’s talking about it through writing. When we talk about depression and suicide, we often talk about the people we knew who gave us absolutely no clue of what they were going through. I’m not exactly the type to answer with, “The WORST! Did you know that, the other day, I was thinking about how nice it might be to be done with this damn world?!” when I run into friends and they ask me how I’m doing. I know there will be friends who will read this and be surprised by it. But it’s a reality that sometimes I go through stuff like this, and there are a lot of other people who do, too. It's stupidly scary to be honest and open about it - this shit can make people feel fucking uncomfortable - but I also feel like…the more we talk about it, the more honest we are about how this is a thing, the easier it will be for others when they go through it, too. 

I know I'm going to get better. I’m going to feel better, do better, be better. I also know that it won’t happen all at once - because, you know, still feeling kind of brain-lazy and like I’d much rather take a nap and zone out than do anything else - but I’m feeling pretty good about stuff so far. Plus, fall is here, which is always, you know, nice

So fucking GOODBYE, Summer of Suck - I hope you always change and never reach for your dreams, and I hope you don't make it to the reunion that I'm also not going to. C-ya, stay uncool, & never keep in touch. 

Tuesday, September 09, 2014

Bachelor In Paradise Recap, Episode 7 / Season Finale: Heartbreak Station, Relationship Consummation, & Proposal Frustration!

Welcome, Bachelor Babies, to the season finale of Bachelor In Paradise! It's been a glorious season of female-legs-slung-around-a-males-waist make-outs (confession: I have always wanted to have this type of make-out, and I once tried to re-create it with one of my first boyfriends when we were at the lake at my parent's house, but he pushed me off of him and told me that my parents might see, to which I replied, "My mom once found one of our condoms after their dog fished it out of the trash. Pretty sure they know what's going on." Which horrified him even more. GOD he was a prude), cabana hook-ups (the threesome that everyone says didn't happen but I stubbornly insist DID happen, mainly because I just want to annoy all parties involved who keep insisting that it didn't happen. It totally happened), balcony jumping (SEE THE END OF THIS POST), jungle crying, tearful heart-to-hearts with raccoons, and contemplative horizon gazing. I have to say that this season was a little bit less dramatic than Bachelor Pad (and, sadly, less skanky) but it also kept the focus on the inherent purpose of The Bachelor franchise, which is to put people in totally unrealistically romantic settings and then pressure them to "fall in love" and commit their lives to total strangers they only met 6 weeks before. 

Well done, Bachelor In Paradise

In the beginning of this week's episode, Chris announces to our "couples" that each one of them has a decision to make: Do you want to live, OR DO YOU WANT TO DIE? J/K, that was what I was hoping he would say, but it really ended being some variation of "Hey, you guys have been making out for free on our tropical beach here for, what, 7 weeks? Time to put up or shut up." Each couple must decide whether they're ready to commit to each other "in the real world" (what is "the real world" to a Bachelor franchise star, exactly? Paid vacations to sunny locales, cruise ship excursions with other cast mates, occasional guest spots on new Bachelor series, paid club appearances, and highly visible blogs based on shaky business premises? How is that different from this show, exactly?). If they're not ready to say "I love you" or can't see themselves spending the rest of their lives with that person (it's at this point in the show that I'm praying that Chris has arranged forced marriages for all of them at the final rose ceremony. "What?! You SAID that you guys could see yourself with each other for the rest of your lives! Is that not true? Then it shouldn't scare you to make this legally binding agreement with them in front of 10 million people, now should it?") then, Chris tells them, it's time to pack their bags and get the fuck out of paradise, losers. If the answer is yes, then in lieu of a mental health screening, they will be sent on a Fantasy Suite date where they will be allowed to bang each other without the producers all watching them on hidden cameras and high-giving each other in the control room. 

After Chris' announcement, AshLee, Michelle, and Lacy are sitting around on the couches, having gal pal time. Except! They're not really gal pals, because Lacy and Michelle hate AshLee. Except! They don't actually tell her this to her face, preferring instead to say bitchy things behind her back to the confessional and, in Michelle's case, to Graham. Which, normally, would make for some juicy TV, except that, this time, it kind of goes too far. AshLee makes some Bible Camp Cliched speech about wanting to serve Graham more than he serves her, blah blah blah, and Michelle gets irritated with the platitudes and decides to go talk to Graham - literally announcing to the room that she needs to go find him. Lacy is all like, "AshLee, doesn't that make you nervous that Michelle is going to go talk to Graham?" And AshLee is like, "No, Michelle has been such a great friend to me." 

And this is the point where I get kind of mad, because AshLee is crazy and we all know that, but watching Michelle run to Graham and pretty much convince him to break up with AshLee...that's the lowest common denominator of the term "frenemy." This especially bugs me later when we see AshLee literally crying in the confessional about how Michelle has been so good to her and has been such a great friend to her. That is just straight up cruel, to allow someone to think that you've been a good friend to them and then betray them in that way. Why couldn't Michelle just talk to AshLee and say, "Look, I have a hard time believing that you're genuine, and this is why"? I bet The Lord Our Beyonce would never play somebody like that. 

So Graham finds AshLee and they go off to The Famous Picnic Table ("Remember the first time we came here?" AshLee says, and you immediately feel bad for her, because it's like finding out that the girl at work that your boyfriend always said he didn't have feelings for is now his new girlfriend, and now you know that the whole time that you thought you two were in love he was probably thinking about her and how he couldn't wait for Monday to come so he could go to work and tell her all about that annoying thing you did over the weekend, and so now you're just all NOW I DON'T EVEN GET TO KEEP MY GOOD MEMORIES OF YOU, YOU LYING FUCKFACE) to talk stuff out. He tells her that he doesn't feel good about where the two of them are at and that he worries about "us after this." AshLee states that she doesn't think they need to be as intense as Chris made it sound, and that she thinks that they have what it takes to make it in "the real world." Graham tells her that he doesn't think he can continue on. Stunned, AshLee murmurs, mostly to herself, that this was way too good to be true. I'm momentarily terrified that we're going to have hear her "I was abandoned" speech again, but instead she make a remark about him leaving the relationship, which is kind of the same thing but not quite as Lifetime Original Movie awful. Graham cops out by protesting, "We're leaving the relationship. There's no me, you, etc" which is a TOTAL copout - that's like saying, "This wasn't anybody's fault" when you break up with someone because you've developed feelings for the girl at work, which invariably leads your ex-girlfriend to fantasize about running you down with her car while yelling out the open windows, "This wasn't anybody's fault!" AshLee, to her credit, doesn't back down: "No, you're leaving, because I still wanna be in this." 

Later, Graham tells us that he feels sad. "I thought I would feel a little more relief, but I just feel really sad. I don't really feel any relief right now. I feel 100% that it was the right thing to do for both of us, but it sucked. For me, this is paradise lost."

PARADISE LOST, everybody. I find myself incredibly impressed when anyone on this show knows to use that phrase and in a context that actually makes sense.  

AshLee packs up, and then sits at an outdoor table and cries. And honestly you guys...that bitch is crazy, but it kind of broke my heart, because this wasn't crazy tears: This was sincerely heartbroken tears. Also, she's a really pretty cryer, and it's also at this time that I notice just how subtle her honey brown to light blonde ombre is on her long hair, which makes me want to Google search her to see if she's dropped the name of her stylist anywhere, because I will fly my hot ass to that stylist if that's what it takes to get that kind of perfect color.  Another girl with great hair, Jackie, comes over to talk to her, and seems genuinely concerned about her, cementing my belief that Jackie is seriously on the most genuine people to cross the Bachelor threshold, not to mention the fact that she has one of the most banging bodies EVER. 

I mean, seriously. Look at that hair. 
Meanwhile, Lacy tells us, "I would be really embarrassed if I were AshLee. I think she's just delusional. She made it out to be this great fairy tale relationship, but I don't think that was real." And that makes me want to grab Lacy by the hair and yank her to the ground (GOD, even the thought of that is so satisfying), because talk about kicking someone when they're down. And it's not like Lacy is any smarter or more deserving than AshLee - she was just lucky to pair up with someone as desperate to have the idea of falling in love as she was. 

AshLee climbs into the van, and as it drives off, she tells us that she's walking away...walking away hurt. "But I was still the lucky one, because he liked me." 

Like I said, the bitch is crazy...but just that remark, right there? If that doesn't tell you that her feelings for Graham were real, nothing will. And it makes me really sad for her that someone whom she thought was a friend deliberately went out and wrecked that for her. 

Christy and Tasos, for their part, have the most amicable, laid-back break up ever. It basically goes like this: 

"So, should we just break up then?
"Yeah, I think we should." 
"Cool. See ya later."

Jackie, meanwhile, tells Zach that the timing just isn't that great for them - they started later into the season, and haven't had enough time to really cement their feelings enough to want to be committed for the long term. I'm actually kind of bummed - I liked Jackie and Zach, and I really want Jackie to find someone great, but you also gotta respect a girl who's willing to let a hot-ass guy like Zach go because of logic. 

And then there's a bunch of back and forth about Michelle not being sure about Cody, blah blah blah. You know how, on The Bachelor, they do a lot of filler in the last episode regarding how each couple first met and the highlights of their time together, etc? For this one, it was a bunch of filler with Michelle staring contemplatively at the horizon and walking along the beach, trying to sort out whether or not her feelings are strong enough for her to want to take the next step with Cody. 

Cody, for his part, just raps about it, "If it's meant to be, it'll be, so just let it be." 

So, to help her with this dilemma, Michelle calls her daughter, who, tbh, sounds like a pretty smart girl. She tells Michelle to chill already, maybe just relax and get laid tonight (she doesn't really say that last bit, but if I had been her, I totally would have). 

So Michelle and Cody, Lacy and Marcus, and One Armed Sarah and Robert gather on the couches and wait for Chris, who arrives and is basically like, "Good going, guys, on not breaking up reward you, we're going to send you to a ridiculously beautiful suite for you guys to bang it out in." 

Probably the funniest part of the show is how ready the girls are for some serious deep dickin'. Like, we don't see the guys talk about it AT ALL, but all three girls are like, "I CAN'T WAIT to sex it out with my psuedo-paradise boyfriend tonight." 

One Armed Sarah is practically shaking with giddiness: "There are implications that come with an overnight date," she tells us, and as she walks out with Robert, I can't help but wonder at the implications of grooming oneself with one hand? I's tedious enough to shave your legs with two hands, but getting your prize rose bush ready for some pollinating? Sure, having a handicap makes a lot of things difficult, but these are the things that I would be fascinated to know about. "Tonight is the perfect opportunity for him to get to know me in every way possible. And I hope he goes there...I hope he digs deep."

Lacy, who is done up like a drag queen, continues with the Harlequin Romance Hints at what's going to really happen in the Fantasy Suites: "We've definitely been looking forward to this," she tells us. Marcus and Lacy tell each other "I love you." - omg, you guys, Lacy finally told Marcus she loved him! It's the moment that none of us has been waiting for -  "Marcus has my heart. And more." 

Meanwhile, Michelle and Cody, the only two people that I can even stand to think of having sex, are busy yapping about what their future would look like if they left paradise and continued "in the real world." Apparently something Michelle's daughter said convinced Michelle that she was all in - sorry guys, I stopped paying attention, because YAWN - and she tells Cody that she's excited to stay in the Fantasy Suite with him. 

"Does that mean we're doing this?" Cody asks. 
"Good. I'm looking forward to doing this." 
"Did you know you were getting laid tonight?" 

Michelle, to us: "Maybe his dick is very muscular, like the rest of his body. Like the HULK. 

HAHAHA. The best. 

The next morning, Michelle and Cody walk into the living room of the resort where all the other couples are waiting, and Michelle tells us, "After spending the night with Cody, I am very sore." HAHAHAHA. Cody, for his part, says, "I'm marking things off my bucket list after last night, I'll tell you that right now." 

Uhhh. Like what? What the fuck happened in that suite? 69'ing? Anal? WHAT WAS ON THAT BUCKET LIST.

Robert and One Armed Sarah look super awkward as the two other couples basically brag about popping each other's cherries. Sarah tries to be all, "HAHAHA, I got a great night's sleep", but then she notices the hicky on Marcus' neck (dude, gross. Except, not surprising...Lacy is totally that girl who thinks that stuff is hot) and suddenly she realizes that the whole time she's been talking about "French kissing" Robert in the jacuzz, her friends have been busy getting finger-banged in Jesse Scofield's basement during "movie parties." Apparently, according to Sarah, after they "French kissed" in the jacuzz and then slow-danced to some Jodeci at the 6th grade dance, she walked into the bedroom to find the lights out the candles blown out, and Robert in bed with his jeans still on. Robert barely touched her all night, and when she reached to unbuckle his belt (with one hand? this girl's got some serious dexterity going on. I wonder if guys with one hand are really good at taking off a girl's bra in one swift motion, too? THEY SHOULD ALL HOLD A WORKSHOP SO PEOPLE WITH TWO HANDS CAN LEARN FROM THEIR HANDICAPABLENESS), h
e stopped her. 

Find out what happens next by picking up my newest YA Teen Novel, "Why Doesn't Robert Like Boobs?", available through Putnam Books this winter! 

Now, there's a couple ways you can go with this. My first thought was that Robert is impotent. Or, maybe Robert's a virgin? OR, maybe he's just the type to go really slow...they have only really known each other for 6 weeks and have been dating for what, maybe 4 of them? And if you're anything like me, you like to wait at least 3 months before you sleep with someone*. But I can't help thinking about this guy I dated last summer who wore his jeans to bed, too, which I always thought was weird...but whenever I reached over to unbuckle his belt, he was all about it, which made just assume that he didn't like to appear presumptuous (although, guys...if a girl's all, "hey, let's get into my bed", pretty sure you're clear to take your pants off) and/or liked the whole slow-build thing that happens when you have to undress each other. 

So it's a mystery. One that, unfortunately, isn't solved for any of us, because Sarah basically pulls him aside and tells him that last night was not at all what she was hoping would happen, and that he seemed like he didn't have any interest in touching her at all. She also said some stuff about wanting to be with someone who wants to stay up until the sun rises, talking and getting to know each other (blegh), and he's like, "I know, I wanted that, too." And it's this huge roundabout conversation where he apparently thought they had an amazing time, and she tells him that she didn't, but she doesn't demand any explanation from him for why he didn't want to be intimate, and then it ends with them essentially breaking up. 

Robert, for his part, tearily tells us that he kept using the phrase, "I like you," because "I'm a little scared, too." He's crying as he leaves, and it's actually really sad. Sarah feels like she maybe didn't make the right choice, and I kind of want to scream at her that she didn't. Also, I want to know how long it takes her to pack her bags with having only one's gotta take her hours, right? (I wonder if one of the producers just jumped in and was like, "Lady, Chris is due to appear in three hours, so let me just do this so we can get you out of here by then."). "So now I'm wondering if I let one weird night go to my head," she says, as she drives off in the van. And I kind of feel like she did? I feel like they really needed to talk about it more and sort out what each of their expectations were and why they didn't connect on that stuff. Like, mainly: "Hey, do you maybe like boy bodies instead of girl bodies?" and "If we were in bed together and we were both naked and the world was going to end tomorrow, what would you do?"

Meanwhile, back at the Island, Couples of Bachelor Past show up to give the remaining two couples some advice for taking their relationship from paradise to the Real World. Those couples are Jason and Molly (YAY), Des and her finace (BOOO) and Sean and Catherine (YAAAY!). They basically all interview the couples couple-on-couple, and come up with the verdict that both couples are really into one another and are really great couples. 

Look at how dumb Des looks.
Then it's the last rose ceremony! Cody and Michelle go first, and they both make long speeches to each other. 

Then it's Marcus and Lacy's turn. Marcus is sweating all over the place and literally dabs at his forehead with a tissue like he's a Southern Matron, which is hilarious. They go to stand at the rose station, and Marcus is like, "I can haz a minute?" Chis, acting like he doesn't know what's going on, is like, "Sure! Take alllll the time you need to do the thing that we all know you're going to do but are trying to pretend like you're not going to do."

Marcus tells Lacy he just needs a moment alone with her, which we quickly realize to mean, "I'm going to make the worst decision in the history of the universe and going to propose to you, right here, right now." 

Lacy, of course, says yes. "I will be the greatest wife to you, and the most amazing mother to your children." 

So then everyone comes out and starts cheering, then Chris kicks everyone out (seriously, he was like, "Okay guys, it's time to go."), and they all walk down the beach, with Lacy screeching, "I'm engaged! Oh my god I'm engaged!" which makes me hope that it all crashes and burns so I can record my own "I would be really embarrassed if I were Lacy. I think she's just delusional. She made it out to be this great fairy tale relationship, but I don't think that was real." confessional statement. 

But THEN: The show totally redeems itself with an amazing montage set to Elise's dumb speech about having to go through a storm to get to a rainbow, complete with updates on the Paradise People (everyone's still single except for Michelle and Cody...and Marcus and Lacy, amazingly, are still planning to have their wedding this spring). 

All in all, 'twas a fun season. To end it, let me leave you with one of the most amazing moments of the show, which you absolutely must watch if you didn't see it the first time around. I give you...

The Ballad of Ryan Putz

See you in January, Bachelor Babies, for The Bachelor: Chris Is a Farmer!

* Just in case my mom's reading this.

Tuesday, September 02, 2014

Bachelor In Paradise Recap, Episode 6: Stalagmites, bae bites, and a douchebag flight!

Welcome back, Bachelor Babies, to Episode 6! 

Our episode opens on the tail-end of last week's rose ceremony/cocktail party (who cares), where Marcus receives a date card (who cares x 2). He and Lacy go on YET ANOTHER CAVE/POOL DATE (seriously, producers! What is your problem? Do you need me to take your jobs? How hard it is to come up with novel date ideas in Mexico?! I could come up with more novel date ideas stuck in a cornfield in Iowa, or a prairie in Kansas. START PLAYING LIKE CHAMPIONS). They basically climb down a hole, where they magically appear again, clad in swimsuits, lifejackets, and head lamps (apparently this is called spelunking), and swim through some seriously questionable water (like, is anyone else not worried that what they're swimming in contains a water dragon or some monstrous water spider that's been left alone in perfect water spider conditions for hundreds of years, enabling it to grow to massive monster size and lie in wait until some stupid singles decide to dive into it's habitat for "fun"? Or, more realistically, that it's been used as a urinal or a body dump for Mexican natives for hundreds of years? Because, I mean...the entrance is A HOLE IN THE GROUND IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE). And then there's bats! Like hundreds and hundreds of bats. Which is cool, because I've never been scared of bats, but it's not cool, because if I were those bats, I'd be seriously pissed that two of the dumbest people in America just woke me up in the middle of my beauty sleep. 

Then, apparently, they stumble onto these magical things called STALAGMITES (not to be confused with STALACTITES, which Lacy also probably couldn't pronounce) that are hanging from the ceiling of the cave, only Lacy The Brain is finding it impossible to pronounce STALAGMITES, even with multiple prompting from the camera guy/producer (whom, for clarity purposes, I'm just going to pretend was Elan). 
Lacy: "What do you call it?" 
Elan: "Stalagmites." 
Lacy: "Staligamites?" 
Elan: "Stalagmites." 
Lacy: "Steegamites?" 
Lacy: "So then we saw all these Stalineegmites..."

This is a stalagmite. Which, coincidentally, also looks like a peen. 
Then Lacy and Marcus have this boring conversation about how they're both vulnerable and that Lacy doesn't really show her feelings very often, but she'd definitely on the same page as Marcus and is falling in love with him. I'T CARE about these two. Like, AT ALL. I feel like Marcus latched onto Lacy in the beginning because she had big boobs and doe eyes, and Lacy played around with him and Robert in kind of a sketchy way until she realized that she might not want to do that because it could burn her, and now all of a sudden they're falling in love with each other? How do essentially brain dead people fall in love with each other? It's like the classic line from Clueless: "Two learning permits do not equal a license." 

Meanwhile, Michelle is freaking out about Cody - apparently at the last rose ceremony, Cody told Michelle he loves her. So she's going to JESSE for advice about it (uh, bad move, Money). Michelle starts crying, saying that Cody is moving too fast for her. Jesse's like, "Yeah, you should totally break up with him and jump on this stick instead." At least, that's what I imagine he's saying, inside his head, because it's Jesse and he's a total douchebag like that. 

Brooks from The Bachelorette: Des Grew Up Poor is here! One Armed Sarah was JUST FRENCH KISSING Robert (seriously, Sarah, are you still a virgin? Because no one over 15 who doesn't have their hymen still intact says "I was french kissing him"), and now Brooks is here, who she had the biggest crush on...what is a one armed girl to do?! Brooks, for his part, is also drawn to her. Robert, for his part, is all about the cock block - he literally is like, "YO, that one armed bae down there? She's MY one armed bae, so STEP OFF." (okay, so maybe his exact words were: "If you ask Sarah out I'll kill you. She's my bae." which is hilarious and also means that none of us can ever use the word "bae" ever, ever again and still retain our street cred).

And then she starts crying. Because she's feeling anxious. Because all she can think about is Brooks. SERIOUSLY, SARAH, IF YOU DON'T STOP WHINING ABOUT EVERY THING IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, I'M GOING TO CUT YOUR OTHER ARM OFF. 

In the end, Brooks asks Jackie out for his dinner date. Zack, who was part of the whole "YO STEP OFF MY BAE" convo that Robert and Brooks had, now regrets now doing the same thing when it came to Jackie. Umm, hello men. Let's talk about this thing called "free will" and not "owning" the girl that you like. Maybe let her make her own choices? Just, you know, an evolutionary thought since it is 2014 and women are no longer considered property or cattle or unable to make coherent thoughts or logical decisions for themselves without the help of a man. 

Jackie and Brooks go out on their date, and they're cute together! I personally don't find Brooks all that attractive - especially not since he was, like, in the top running for Des, which means that he might have actually liked her - but he seems funny and genuine and like a straight-up fun guy. 

Meanwhile, Robert asks Sarah to meet him on a beach. Sarah is nervous, because she's planning breaking up with him. Instead, they have this long talk about what will happen when they leave the island, and it all comes to a head when One Armed Sarah shows him that only having one arm is no impediment to giving head. J/K. They just "french" some more, and Sarah tells us that, strangely, the whole thing with Brooks has made her realize that Robert is the one for her. Huh. I don't think I've ever gone in to an interaction fully intending to break up with someone, and leaving it knowing fully that he's the one for me. But. You know. One armed people just do things differently. 

Michelle and Cody sit on the beach by the fire, talking about how Cody needs to chill the fuck out already. I love this scene the most, because Cody just looks at Michelle like, "Yo girl, I got chu. You might be scared right now, and that's okay, but soon enough you'll see that you're truly my bae." (I moonlight as a rapper). Like all totally confident and calm about the fact that he knows that's fast, but that it's meant to be. 

Meanwhile, back in Dumb Girl Land, Christy thinks that Jessee has all the qualities that girl would be SO LUCKY to have in a boyfriend. He is SUCH A GOOD GUY, you guys. Meanwhile, Jesse is sitting in the living room with Michelle and basically tells everyone that he's going to finish his drink and then go back and have sex with Christy. WHT A GOOD GUY, RIGHT. Apparently he also spilled to the other guys that Lacy gave him a hand job (I think - from what I can gather from the bleeps in the conversation and the footage from last week's episodes). Michelle tells Christy about it in a bathroom. Christy is upset, and wants to go home, because there's no one here for her. 

But you know, she's going to leave that in God's hands. 

AND THEN WHADDAYA KNOW, THE SKIES PART, DOVES FLY, AND ANGELS SING (really, but not really - it's another amazing montage by the producers and editors) AS GOD BRINGS TASOS TO THE ISLAND. 

Tasos, you might remember, was on The Bachelorette: Andi Is a Lawyer. He is a delish hipster latino type, and I dig him. He shows up with a date card, and pulls Michelle away to talk to her. There's some hilarious jokes about how, if Tasos tries to ask Michelle out on a date, "We're pretty sure Cody will eat Tasos," Graham says. Michelle, for her part, has already formed a plan, and tells Tasos  that she would love to see him take Christy out on a date, and that he is exactly what a girl like Michelle needs. 

So Tasos asks Christy out on a date, which Jesse, of course, doesn't feel great about. Not because he actually likes her, and not because he actually wants to continue to see her, because he knows that if her and "Taco" make a connection, he'd probably end up going home. What a slime bucket. 

Christy and Tasos are on this really great date on the river - just floating down the water, then having a picnic on a dock - it actually looks really romantic and peaceful. She says that Jesse is half the man that Jesse is. "I hate Jesse." GOOD MORNING. GLAD YOU COULD FINALLY WAKE UP, CHRISTY. 

"The world looks sooo much better with a brain!"
Back at the Slut Huts, peeps are playing on the beach. "I mean, I've got, like, the worst arm ever." - at first my friend Jen and I thought that One Armed Sarah said that - HAHAHAHA! - but really it was Jackie, talking to Brooks. Poor Zach is kind of jealous that Jackie is hanging out with Brooks. You know, though, when you play someone (Hi Clare!), you get played...that's probably the biggest karmic lesson of this show. Zack played Clare, and now he's getting played. I can't feel bad for him.

But all is not lost, because whaddya know, Zach's got the date card. Lifetime Original Movie AshLee (OMG you guys I just watched a movie this weekend about this couple who's pregnant and some girl from their high school shows up at their yard sale and then goes missing and the cops think the husband did it because he was having an affair with her and got her pregnant and then murdered her to hide it from the wife, but it turns out the girl was TOTALLY PSYCHO OBSESSED with the husband from high school, so she framed him and then tried to drug the wife so she could steal the baby. IT WAS AWESOME and I could totally AshLee being the girl from high school) wants to express her ungratitude (really, AshLee?) over the fact that Graham still hasn't gotten a second date card. She just wants him to have the best experience possible, you guys. It has NOTHING to do with the fact that SHE wants to go on a date with him so she roofie him and then try to get pregnant with his babies so he has to marry her. Michelle sees right through AshLee, which is hilarious, because then AshLee wants to cheer Michelle for being so kind to her. Talk about sucking up to your crush's best friend, which Michelle totally catches on to, too (as demonstrated from The Best Confessional Eyeroll ever). "From this point on, my eyes are on AshLee like a hawk." 

Jackie and Zack go on a date....TO THE BAT CAVE. Apparently "swimming in a bat cave" is the new "visiting temple ruins" on this show. Brooks feels bummed that Jackie's out with Zack, and we all know where this is going, so I'm not even going to waste my time. 

Cocktail party! Michelle's faux-mohawk is awesome. Jesse is a total sleaze - he can tell that Christy is all in when it comes to "Tasso", which is a drag for him, since all he wants to do is be on a beach and make out with some girls, and he can't have that if Christy doesn't offer him a rose. "I'm not here to leave paradise, because I'm having a lot of fun, and I'm not ready to start a relationship with a dumb blonde, but Christy has a rose and so it's between me and Tacos and so my fate is in her hand."

This is what a douchebag looks like. 
It's kind of amazing to watch him get played. Even Chris Harrison calls him out when he comes in and make some speech about you might notice that the people still here have come at this experience with a very sincere, genuine place of wanting to create a connection with people. 

But really, Jesse wants to create a connection with people, too - that's what hand jobs are really all about, right? Creating connections

Christy and him go off to a table to talk, and Christy is all like, "I'm sorry, I don't know how to say it." Uh, just say "You're a douchebag, and I don't want to be with you", Christy. Jesse tries to manipulate her by telling her that he wishes that there had been more of a connection: "I wish I would have done something to just make you open up, you know? 
"Lucy was open, no?" Christy says. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Good one, Christy. 
Jesse, realizing that he's not going to win, does the thing where he bows out early so he can try to save face by not getting rejected outright at the rose ceremony. He makes this douchebag speech about how he accomplished everything he wanted to accomplish, and then high-tails it to the van. Lacy and Michelle are talking Christy through her emotions about feeling like she wanted to dump Jesse, but that he turned it around like he was dumping her first (I don't really get the gist of this conversation, and I doubt that anyone in America did, either), which basically culminates in Lacy and Michelle telling Christy to go find him and tell him off once and for all. And I want this to happen, too, so I'm literally shouting "GO GIT 'IM! GO GIT 'IIIIIIMMMM!" (my yelling voice sounds like an Appalachian woman's). So Christy waylaids Jesse as he's sitting in the van, and it's basically this big ol' badass show-down of the girls giving it to him, one-by-one...

And not in the way that Jesse has always wanted three girls to give it to him. 

Michelle is a badass - "The way you've spoken about things you've done with the girls here is cowardly, uncool, and disrespectful", and even Lacy shows some balls: "Here's the thing, Jesse. You come here, and you want multiple things with multiple girls, and then you run your mouth off to all the guys, and it's beyond disrespectful." This is the one moment in the entire show that I actually respect Lacy. 

So soon enough, they finish their Girl Power Speeches and Jesse drives off in the van. "I swear that as soon as I get home, I'm going to have sixty emails with names and numbers and invitations to parties and festivals." That's right, friends! Jesse Kovacs: Coming to a cheap Jersey Shore club appearance near you! 

FINALLY the Rose Ceremony begins, and the girls start handing out the roses. Lacy's first, with another boring speech about how she's falling in love with Marcus. Michelle, AshLee and Sarah also give speeches when they hand out their roses (to Graham, Cody, and Robert)...whatever happened to "Will you accept this rose"?! It's simple, to the point, and we don't have to hear gag-inducing speeches about your feelings. Christy gives her rose to Tasos, and the final drama of the show is when Jackie choose Zack, which means Brooks got the cut. Bumma, son. 

THEN, Harrison shows up, which is only good news at the end of the ceremony if he has a globe-trotting destination to announce. Nope - "This was the last rose ceremony here in paradise. No more date cards, no more new arrivals. Everything is about to change in paradise."


So apparently next week is the SHOCKING conclusion of Bachelor In Paradise. WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN, EVERYBODY?! DO I STILL CARE? DO YOU? 

Not really. But we also know that, according to the pre-season previews, there's still a fight that needs to happen, which means it can only happen during the finale, yeah? YAY BACHELOR FIGHTS!

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Bachelor In Paradise Recap, Episode 5: A Surprise Exit, Cody Flexes It, and Three People Sex It

Welcome back, Bachelor Babies! It's the second episode of Bachelor In Paradise this week, and of course, every "dramatic" moment that you thought would happen tonight? Happened...but in the most underwhelming way you could imagine 

Goddamn you, Bachelor editing team. Sometimes I love you, and sometimes you are cruel, cruel magicians. 

Anyway, we pick back up at the Rose Ceremony, where Lifetime Original Movie AshLee is waiting to give her rose (and her heart, and her body, and her first born child) to Graham. Graham leaves, comes back, and...accepts her rose. 


Kalon and Marquel are sent home, BTW. Marquel is sad about it, and I kind of feel bad for him, but then again, not really - playa got played. 

After Graham accepts the rose from AshLee, Lacy is SO DISGUSTED that she feels PHYSICALLY ILL. Really?! Really?! She has to go throw up in a bathroom somewhere. It's so bad that they call an ambulance (really?! REALLY?!). So the whole "there's been a fight! There's an ambulance!" preview ploy is all because Lacy drank some shower water earlier that day (and shame on us for even thinking that it would be anything else - how many times have we been fooled by the whole "And THEN! The ambulance came!" ploy on The Bachelor? And it always ends up being about somebody falling down a couple of stairs?!). Marcus, however, is sooo worried...of course he's worried about the worst! LIKE WHAT, Marcus? That she'll puke herself to death?! I mean, it's happened before, that people have died from food poisoning, but I think it's gonna be okay for Lacy. Call me when something serious/awesome happens, like she gets bit by a jungle python or something. 

Christy's here! She was on The Bachelor: Juan Pablo Has a Daughter, and she barely got any screen time before she was sent home. 

One Armed Sarah pulls her to the side to let her know which people are already coupled up (a.k.a., tell her to step off when it comes to Robert), but Christy decides to just go with her heart and do her own thing, a.k.a ignore the established couples. The man in her sights? Crazy Clare's boy toy, Zach. Sarah is like, "I told her that he was, like, completely spoken for", which makes me laugh - who gives a shit? No one's engaged, and the whole point of the newcomers is to shake things up. I love that Christy is like, Fuck That. 

Christy pulls Zack aside to talk to him about the date card, and he's like, "I like you, but I'm kind of dating this crazy chick who would seriously cut both of us if I went out on a date with you." Clare comes in to the living space only to be told that there's a new girl here, and that new girl is talking to Zack right that second. When Zack's done letting Christy down easy, Clare and Zack go and "talk"...otherwise known as Crazy Clare Interrogation Time. She even does that thing where she wipes something off his face while he's talking to her, which is a total "I own you, you are mine" Girl Code thing. Zack tells Clare that he said no to the date with Christy, and Clare is like "AAHHHH I can trust him we're getting married this is wonderful." 

Christy, for her part, tells us that Zack saying no really throws her off. She's not here to just date some douchebag like her ex-boyfriend. At which point One Armed Sarah introduces her to Jesse, she asks him on a date, and all of America laughs because Jesse is EXACTLY like her douchebag ex-boyfrind. 

Christy and Jesse's date is pretty much the most boring Mexico "adventure" ever. They eat some chocolate and then do some tequila, and then have a really boring conversation about Christy's ex, who cheated on her. She found out by finding another girl's bra in his bed (btw, what girl leaves her bra in a guy's bed? The Walk of Shame is hard enough without your boobs bouncing all over the place) Jesse's like, "Oh yeah, I've done that before" while pretending to Christy that he would never, ever do that. 

When it comes to Michelle and Cody, Lacy tells us that CODY is moving too quickly when it comes to Michelle. Really, Lacy?! YOU'RE giving relationship advice?! You're the worst. Cody tells Michelle that he's into her and that it's her or no one. Michelle says that it's hard because it's all happening so fast...uh, yeah. You LITERALLY were nothing a day ago, and now you're talking about all or nothing. Cody, however, wants someone who will make him The Best Cody, and for him, that's Michelle. Michelle is nervous about it, but not so nervous that she doesn't want to feel up his massive quads. 

According to Christy and Jesse, they had a great time on their date. According to America, it was the most boring, vapid date ever. They come back to the house, and party girl announces that "I could be leaving in two days, I wanna get wasted, what the fuck!" Jackie notes that ever since Christy came to the island, Jesse's been acting totally different...yeah, I'd say. Christy brings out Jesse's true colors, which is Slimeball Green, Douchebag Yellow, and Asshole Red. To prove the point, Christy and Jesse totally start making out. 

Clare and Zack are sitting at a campfire, and Clare tells Zack that she "hopes" Christy doesn't feel weird being around them, being that she basically tried to move in on Clare's man even though she was fully aware that Zack was CLARE'S man, and NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION WHEN IT CAME TO DATES WITH OTHER GIRLS NAMED CHRISTY. This whole conversation is so hilarious, because we all know full well that Clare wants to make sure that Christy feels as uncomfortable as possible. Unfortunately, we don't get the chance to witness what would surely be the most entertaining part of this whole series, because Zack unwisely takes it as an opportunity to tell Clare that he's still "figuring things out" between them. "You were, like, all in right away, and I tend to take things much slower." Oh shit. Clare is pushes him on it, and basically tries to make the point that he should know what he wants, and if he doesn't, then he doesn't want it with her. "I'm going to bed," she tells him, which is basically code for "I am so mad at you right now, and the best way to punish you for it is to make you worry about it all night long." Zack tells us that he's confused. Yeah, buddy, you are confused - you are confused about how girls work. Girls don't want to hear about how you're still "figuring things out." Keep that shit to yourself, okay? Or just talk about it with your bros. DON'T tell the girl you're seeing, completely unsolicited, that you don't "know" about the two of you quite yet. 

I feel like you guys are getting both a reality tv recap and dating/relationship coaching all in one. 

So Clare goes into the bathroom and cries, and then she runs off into the jungle (followed by Elan. ELLAAAAAAAAN!) and cries some more. The jungle animals, alerted by the sound of her tears, gather around her the way they would a Disney Princess, but quickly dart away when she starts to talk like a crazy person again. "I don't want this! It's all drama! And here I am, looking like a fool, AGAIN, and I just wanna leave!" 

It's pretty amazing. 

After a while, Clare comes out of the jungle and finds Michelle to Whisper Talk about it. "It's not paradise for me. It's torture." WE ALL FEEL THE SAME WAY, CLARE, WHEN IT COMES TO YOU. She tells Michelle that she's leaving. No one believes her, until she goes to find Zack (queue scary-movie music, which is SO hilarious). Waking him up from a deep sleep, she makes him go sit outside with her while she cries about how he hurt her and she's going home now, which is every guy's dream, right? Like the best moment in his entire life.  

"It's never easy to hear a man say that you're not what he's looking for, that he's not sure about you," Clare tells us. OF COURSE HE'S NOT SURE, CLARE: YOU'VE KNOWN HIM FOR ONLY A WEEK. Get the fucking net! "Like I know I'm going out crying with a stuffy nose and puffy eyes, but it doesn't stop me from wanting a perfect love for me," she asserts, later. Zack carries her bags out to the van while simultaneously high-riving himself on the inside, and Clare gives him a hug and a parting shot: "I just wish you could have seen what I saw in you." Which is awesome, because I've totally done that kind of thing to guys, too, and it's like the best passive-agressive move EVER. "I'm so tired of feeling these feelings," she tells us. "It's exhausting. It's not good." And then, in a sad little voice, she ends with, "This is why I just wanted to do Dancing With The Stars.

HAHAHAHA. That was pretty much the most adorable thing she's ever said. Too bad Dancing With The Stars is also still "figuring out" their relationship with Clare. 

LUCY'S HERE! The shoeless flower girl from The Bachelor: Juan Pablo Has a Daughter is here, and you know what that means: 

BOOBS OUT TIIIIIME! She shows up wearing a huge flower crown, because of course she does. She's also literally there for, like, ten minutes before she strips down to her birthday suit, apparently with the goal of finding someone to go on her date with her (I wonder if that would work for me, too? I feel like if I bounced around naked, I'd maybe get asked out on more dates, too?). She has really pretty gold and silver tattoo jewelry on, though, which I fully enjoy, so I'm not even all that annoyed. She bounces up to Jesse and asks him if he wants to go on a date with her. He obviously says yes. Then we find out that Christy and Lucy are best friends, which you would think would be complicate things, but with these two, it really just means that there's probably going to be threesome. 

Also, I thought Kate Upton was your best friend, Lucy.

Jesse and Lucy go see some more temple ruins. GOD these dates are getting boring. Jesse is all, "Lucy is blah blah blah, I can't wait for her to take her top off again, blah blah." 

Michelle and Cody go on their date, which takes place at a hotel, and apparently they're doing a mock pre-wedding photo shoot. WTF? Sometimes Bachelor reminds me of that well-meaning but also really annoying best friend who purposefully puts you in really awkward situations with that guy you like. The photographer asks them to do a clothing change, so they go off to separate suites, and Michelle walks into her room to find a wedding dress waiting for her. She freaks out while the rest of America wonders why they didn't give this date to Clare or AshLee. Let's start playing like champions, producers. 

So after she "totally freaks out", Michelle puts the dress on and comes walking out onto the beach toward Cody, who is ecstatic and not even trying to hide the fact that he's totally cool with pretending that these are their wedding photos. Which is kind of weird, right? Also, Cody, you GOTTA get another hair cut. Like, seriously. You look like a comic book character with that hair. 

AshLee walks into Graham's bunk and is like, "I have something for you." AND THEN PULLS OUT A DAGGER AND STABS HIM! Just kidding, even though that scenario is totally realistic for AshLee. She has a date card, and for their date, they pull up to race car driving course. "Please tell me that we get to drive these things!" Graham exclaims. Why is there no one smart on this show? 

So AshLee drives first, and she drives like a grandma. "AshLee proved to me tonight that she is ready for a minivan." YA THINK?! Then he makes this really long metaphor for how racing a race car is like a relationship/date, and every woman in America gets wet from being compared to a motorized vehicle. (we don't even have to hear you doing's like a bat signal for us. "Someone in America must be comparing women to a shiny metal object that they can steer, need to learn how to maneuver, and have to maintain, because I am suddenly, inexplicably aroused.")

Back at the Slut Huts, it's campfire time! Robert and One Armed Sarah are cuddled up, Marcus and Lacy are murmuring to each other about how they can't wait to go to bed (so go to bed? WTF), and Christy's over there, sitting  by herself, all, "There's so much booze and no one's drinking it! WHY! It makes me so mad." Calm down, there, Party Girl. 

(Un)Luckily for us, Marcus and Lacy are feeling True Love. Apparently brains isn't everything, ladies - men will still fall in love with you if you jump into the ocean with just about anybody, play two guys against each other, and continue to mispronounce everything. Marcus tells Lacy that he loves her and she's like, "That makes my heart skip a beat." Can you stop it with the cliches already? First we had to hear you tell us that "You're never fully dressed without a smile" on The Bachelor, and now this bullshit. Also, I am actually totally jealous and dying with envy that they get to sit on a beach and make out in front of a campfire while I'm sitting on a couch, wondering when, exactly, my vagina will just decide to close down shop and lock down the shutters due to business having dried up in the ghost town formerly known as Sex City. 

To make things even better/worse, Lucy and Jesse are kissing, and they do this weird thing where Lucy stands in front of Jesse and puts her arm back and basically gives him a sexy little handshake. It's gross and weird. They return to the campfire, Lucy makes a spectacle, and I realize for the 100th time that Lucy is totally that girl that I would want to punch in the face - she always has to be center of attention and be The Fun Girl, and if you, for one mini second, *don't* feel like being The Fun Girl with her, suddenly YOU'RE the one who's uptight and not cool and has a problem with life. Like, that's the opposite of what fun hippies should be - they should just let you chill and have the coolness to leave you alone when you wanna be left alone, man. 

The campfire ends with Jesse and Christy and Lucy doing shots, and Lacy being confounded by the very idea of shots ("Shots? On a beach in paradise? During a campfire? With a bunch of hot young people? I just, like, don't get it. It's confucious to me."). 

Apparently, though, doing shots in broad daylight ISN'T confusing to Lacy.
At some point Christy goes into a room to drunkenly cry about Jesse and Lucy supposedly having a more fun time on their date than Jesse and Christy did - not too big of a feat, considering Christy and Jesse had The Most Boring Date In The History of The Universe - but at some point she picks herself back up and goes to find an equally drunken Jesse. "Did you guys drink tequila on your date?" Christy asks. Like it's their special thing or something. Jesse slurs out some semblance of "I didn't want to go but I didn't want her to feel left out or hurt her feelings by saying no, so I said I'd go." Christy is like, "Wow, Jesse is so nice. What a gentleman, right?" OH MY GOD YOU GIRLS ARE SO STUPID. You REALLY think that Jesse gave Lucy a pity yes to a date, Christy? You really think that when Lucy was standing in front of Jesse, tits out, that he was like, "Oh geez, I really don't want to hurt this girl's feelings, so I guess I'll go and pretend to have a fun time with this girl and her boobs." UGH. 

Christy and Jesse end up in bed, kissing and rubbing on each other (seriously, we got to see it, and it was gross), and Lucy goes to find them, because of course she does. Lucy believes that sharing is caring. "It's natural, it feels good, why not do it all the time?" Yes...why NOT have a threesome with your "best friend" and the biggest slime bucket in America all the time?! Especially on national TV - what better place to demonstrate these particular beliefs?! And you know what really pisses me off about this? Lucy gets laid ALL the time. You know she does. That's the beauty of not having any sexual morals - you get to have sex, like, a BILLION times before your adult brain kicks in and is like, "Uh, maybe we want to start taking this stuff seriously." So it's like, I wanna hate her because she's dumb and annoying and basically shows off her sexuality in a way that is also dumb and annoying, and yet...I also feel like, Go On Wit' Yo' Bad Self, Girlfriend. I ain't gonna slut shame you, because that's not what I do. I only slut shame people who use sex to hurt other people, or do it for selfish/manipulative ends, and you use sex for neither of those things. So welcome to your threesome on national TV, and let's hope Jesse wasn't too drunk to make it worth your while. 

BOTH your whiles, I should say. 

Cocktail party! A bunch of people have conversations - Jackie and Zack (he basically gives himself another internal high-five for chasing Clare off the Island so he can hang out with Jackie now), Christy talks to Jesse, then Jesse talks to Lucy. Lucy apparently tells Jesse something shady about Christy, because even though Christy is Lucy's Best Friend, all is fair in love threesomes and war.

Rose Ceremony results are as follows!

Robert - Sarah
Graham - AshLee
Marcus makes a long and boring speech to boring that everyone starts to sigh and roll their eyes - even Chris Harrison looks bored - and then he kisses her for an uncomfortable amount of time. Take it down to the beach, you two! 
Zack - Jackie (YAY)
Cody - Michelle
Jesse - despite the "drama" of who Jesse will pick (do we actually care?) he gives it to Christy, which is actually kind of surprising - Lucy IS more fun, you guys - until he explains: "Christy likes me. But with whats-her-nuts...Lucy...she's not really giving me the vibe" and he wants to make sure he gets a rose next week. Wow, isn't Jesse SO NICE? Like, WHAT a gentleman, you guys. Lucy says it makes her sad for Christy because he's a jerk. NOW she's concerned about Christy?! These people are the worst. 

Next time on Bachelor In Paradise, we see that someone shows up to throw One Armed Sarah off her game with Robert (dude, take what you can get and stick with it, Sarah), and that Zack's head is also turned by yet another newcomer. Cody and Michelle get closer, AshLee probably does some more crazy shady shit, Lacy and Marcus make out some more, and Christy continues to be the Resident Skank Party Girl of the Island (seriously, when she was on Juan Pablo's season, she was all cute and wore pretty outfits and actually brushed her hair, and now on Bachelor In Paradise, she looks like she could legitimately being hiding a drug problem). 

Or, that's what I just assume will happen based on the past episodes of this show. 

Tune in next week to find out if I'm right! 


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