Welcome back to Bachelor In Paradise, Bachelor Babies, where some of the most beautiful people in America have gathered to live in a bunch of Slut Huts for the next 12 days and attempt to
Our 3rd episode picks up at the end of last week's rose ceremony, where One Armed Sarah tells us why she picked Robert instead of Dylan - because she wants to get to know Robert better, and when it comes to Dylan, she is like, so not trying into get involved with all that (all WHAT, Sarah? Those smoldering eyes? That mysterious intensity? That chiseled bod? That rare yet hilarious sense of humor? STOP TALKIN' TRASH ABOUT MY BABY!).
|Let us take a brief moment to remember the gorgeousness that was my baby Dylan.|
Elise, for her part, is soooo happy that she gave the rose to Chris! And now she feels triumphant - she feels good knowing now that Dylan was not the guy for her, that he wasn't ready. She really wants to fall in love with Chris now. Through the storm comes rainbow, and she wants Chris to be her rainbow!
Seriously, this girl would want to fall in love with a chipmunk if it looked at her right.
In a case of the best foreshadowing ever, Michelle and Marquel are walking back from the ceremony to the Slut Huts and Michelle is telling us that "there's nothing that could get in the way of us." OH SNAP, BUT THERE IS! And her name is Danielle, the yoga girl from The Bachelor: Juan Pablo Has a Daughter. And of course she has a date card. Michelle practically pushes this girl to ask Marquel on the date - "just ask who you want to ask, don't worry about who has a connection yet or not!" - and so, she does. Marquel, of course, accepts, telling us that it feels good that Danielle chose him, and that he's going to take that run with it. OH HOW THE TIDES TURN ON BACHELOR ISLAND. He and Danielle go and sit outside and have basically the most boring conversation ever.
Graham and Michelle are walking on the beach the next morning, catching up Friendship Style. To sum up their (boring) conversation, basically Michelle feels dissed and dismissed by Marquel, and is starting to regret the way she dissed and dismissed Robert, so she's gonna go see about maybe trying to win Robert back, because what guy doesn't love being yanked around by a girl every time she feels like she just got dissed and dismissed by some other guy? Sounds like a great, solid plan!
Marquel and Danielle hop onto a plane. Danielle tells us that this could be the first date with the man she's going to marry. Fucking COME ON, Bachelor ladies. Why do you ALWAYS do this shit? YOU ARE GETTING ON A PLANE WITH A GUY THAT YOU BARELY KNOW. The chances that he is NOT your husband and that you'll never see him again are a zillion kabillion times greater than the chance that this is your soulmate. Fucking get some cool and stop being Disney Princess morons already.
Back at the Slut Huts, Michelle is talking to Clare and Robert is talking to Graham. Clare assures Michelle that Robert is super into Michelle, and that she is so his type (how the fuck does CLARE know that? Yeah, Michelle, go ahead and take advice from someone who is pretty much the worst in the world when it comes to character judgement). Robert says some stuff to Graham about Michelle, but I'm not really paying attention because YAWN.
Elise gets the date card, and is giddy at the thought of going on a date with Chris. Lifetime Original Movie AshLee, meanwhile, is pissed that her fake eyelashes are going to have to stay confined to a tropical beach for one more day. Clare is like, "Nobody cares about you so stop being a biznatch" which makes me laugh because I love that the two girls who are known for being blonde, big boobed, and delusional crazies basically hate each other for being exactly that.
Elise goes to find Chris to ask him on a date. Chris is lying on the hammock, and as soon as he sees Elise running toward him, he's like, "Yes." She giggles and is like, "What? I haven't even asked you yet!" Thankfully, this is the exact point where my Directv goes out due to a thunderstorm.
Based on my Twitter feed, I can surmise during this power outage that these things happen:
Chris sprains his knee. HAHAHA.
Danielle and Marquel go on their date and go swimming or something. Snore.
My reception kicks back right as Michelle goes to talk to One Armed Sarah about the fact that she and Clare have decided to plan a double-date that night with Robert and Zach. I think it shows character that Michelle has the guts and heart to *tell* Sarah that she's going to do this, but I also side with Sarah when she says that she feels a little like Michelle is swooping in, BECAUSE SHE IS.
Elise and Chris are on the other side of Mexico, on their date. Apparently everyone is taking private planes to the other side of Mexico this week. One of the best shots of the entire episode is of Elise, walking down the street with Chris, holding hands and talking her face off while Chris just smiles and pretends to listen. Her and her tight crop top and skirt sit down at a "romantic" table set for two, and Chris tells us that even though he's in agony (because of your knee or because you've just had to endure an entire afternoon of listening to Elise talk?), Elise is super hot, so he can deal. "I like to talk and I feel like I'm doing a lot more listening than talking, which is fine," Chris tells us - HAHAHAHAHA. Two of the most self-absorbed people in the world on a date together...so awesome. Elise gets a card, and tells us that she is ecstatic that it says "Elise and Chris" on the front of the card, because "our names look REALLY good together." I swear to god, ANYTHING could be a sign for this girl that she's meant to be with the guy she likes - someone could throw a stick at her head that reminds her of a guy's penis and she'd be all, "See? This stick looks like his penis and it hit me in the head, so that means that my head and his penis should be together forever!" The card is a note from Chris that also contains two keys to two separate suites. Chris admits that he wants them to spend the night together (um, of course he does). Elise, surprisingly, tries to play it coy for once and tells him that she'd like to wait and see how they feel when they're in the pool.
How do they feel when they're in the pool? Well, let's see - Elise disrobes to reveal a green sequined bikini, and Chris basically kisses her and tries not to grab her boobs right then and there, and they're in the pool for literally five seconds before Charmer Chris says, "Let's go to the suite." Elise enthuses that Chris is such a gentleman as we see her and Chris walk into the suite together. I'm not sure what her definition of a gentleman is? Also, I totally feel like Elise is that girl from 18th century Penny Dreadful novels who is so gullible and dumb that even after she gets bamboozled by some handsome rake and sold to a pirate captain to be the pirate ship's whore, she's still like, "But he only did it because he wants me to have an adventure!"
Clare, Zach, Michelle, and Robert go on their double date, which I guess consists of maybe some food and sitting around a fire? I wasn't paying that much attention, because again, yawn. One Armed Sarah tells us that she feels like some prettier, more well-put-together girls just swooped in on her and Robert...which I could totally relate to, because it does kind of remind you of that time in middle school when a new guy shows up to school and he's super cute and actually really nice and by miraculous chance you guys become friends on the first day, but then by the end of the week he's made friends with the guys on the football team so now all the popular girls want to go out with him and now you know that you'll never get a shot with him because who's going to turn down the effortless beautiful and naturally cool Kelly Fairbanks for some girl with thick glasses and braces who races home every day to watch reruns of The Highlander?!
So I get it, One Armed Sarah. I am with you, and I get it. However, even her crying about it was kind of heartbreaking, she totally did it to herself - Dylan was all ready to choose her over everyone else in the house, and she was like, SEE YA, so I guess it's time to lie down in that bed you made, Sarah. Even with only one arm, you still made that bed.
Marquel and Danielle come back to the house from their date, and Michelle feels even more sure that she's happy about closing the door on Marquel and focusing on Robert. Danielle digs Marquel and feels like this is just great, "but of course there's always that little twist of other people coming in."
DUN DUN DUN.
Suddenly, everyone is like, "Who's that girl with the slammin' body?! At first I thought it might be Courtney Robertson, but instead it was Jackie! I love Jackie - she was on The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, & You!, and she was one of the most naturally beautiful and sweetest girls on that season. She got kicked off when she went on a 2-on-1 with Temper Tantrum Tierra, one of the dumber moves that Sean has ever made, so I'm hoping that her second chance at Bachelor love ends up much better.
Zach mentions that Jackie is one of the girls that he had been hoping would be here. And it just so happens that Jackie has a date card! She asks who's paired up with whom, and Michelle tells her that they kind of have a rule - just pick who you want to pick, don't ask questions. However, Clare TOTALLY does the thing where she leans her head on Zach's shoulder and put her hand on his thigh, essentially making her mark on him, which is hilarious because it's the most non-subtle Making My Mark So Don't Pick Him move I've seen this entire season. Poor Zach - no sweet redheaded Jackie time for that one, I guess.
In a twist that cements the fact that this episode is just going to go around and around in circles, Jackie asks Marquel on the date. Marquel, of course, says yes, because who would think about saying no after you've just come from what is supposedly a great date with someone else? Danielle was like, "To come back from our date, and to have Marquel say yes to another date, I don't know how to feel right now." Uh, may haps you and Michelle should go make a cocktail and talk some more about that.
Marquel and Jackie take off on their date, on ANOTHER private plane. I love that producers aren't even pretending to try anymore. It's just like, "Snore, let's just get them all on planes and fly them somewhere else."
Back at Whore Island, AshLee humbly tells Danielle that she doesn't "wanna waste someone else's time wanting to like me, because I'm probably not going to like them." Graham tells Michelle that he feels annoyed because he feels like doesn't have any choice in the matter (whether he's paired up with AshLee or not). For instance, AshLee is already talking about him meeting her dad. "Oh yeah, we're gonna have hot babies," we hear AshLee say.
Oy. Men of the earth, I feel like it's my duty right here to tell you that not ALL women are like this.
Just the really, really pretty ones with slammin' bodies and huge boobs.
Because holy crap, does AshLee have a slammin' body. SLAMMIN'. She gets the date card and walks down the beach in this purple bikini to ask Graham on the date, and all I can think about is Googling her to find out what her fitness routine is. That girl is cray, but if I were a guy, I think I could probably put up with it for a while just see her hanging out on a beach for a week or two.
Meanwhile, Marcus and Lacy go swimming and a bunch of people tells us that it feels like Lacy and Marcus have a real relationship, and then *they* tell us that they feel like they have a real relationship, and I just don't give a shit so I start flipping through a magazine until The Pool Party For Two is over.
Jackie and Marquel check out some temple ruins on their date (AGAIN, PRODUCERS...let's go over the options for dates thus far on this show: 1) Romantic dinner on a rock or beach somewhere 2) Exploring temple ruins 3) Flying on a plane to some town to explore temple ruins and then have a romantic dinner. You guys are in MEXICO. You could do stuff with bullfighting, or riding dolphins, or making enchiladas, or weaving baskets, or dancing to mariachi bands. Let's start planning these date ideas like champions, okay?). Marquel feels like Jackie could be the girl he's "been waiting for this whole time." Don't get too comfortable, playa - Jackie is the kind of girl A LOT of guys have been waiting for this whole time.
Chris' knee hurts. Which is great, because Elise is a caretaker, so she loves to take care of her man. Which means that she is going to take care of him ALL THE TIME. She will never leave his side! Pain is actually the turning point in their relationship, you guys (her words, not mine). "This moment is actually the reason why I came to paradise!" Really?! You didn't come to paradise to swim in the ocean with hot guys or sit on the beach with hot guys or go on tropical dates with hot guys, but you came to sit on a bed with a so-so looking guy who's moaning in pain from his sprained knee? Because that's weird. But luckily, according to Elise, this all means that "Chris is my man now, forever."
One Armed Sarah, for her part, tries to talk to Elise about not rushing into anything with Chris, and Elise is all, "yeah yeah." Nice try, though, Sarah. Then we see Clare sobbing on the beach with Zach, telling him that she misses her dad. Oy. Glad you brought that subject up, eh, Zach? Good news is that now Clare feels even more bonded to you, which is just the thing you needed in order to gently extract yourself from Clare's clutches so you could get to know Jackie better. Good going!
It's time for AshLee and Graham's date, and whaddya know - they are ALSO hopping on a private plane and going to Campeche! They sit down to a nice romantic dinner and AshLee makes Graham uncomfortable right away by letting him know that she followed his Instagram to see what kind of man he is. Graham makes a zinger about AshLee's breakdown per Clare's date card during episode one...it was hilarious that he called her out on it, until AshLee says, "hashtag, embarrassing" - you are not allowed to make those jokes anymore, AshLee. No more "hashtag ___" jokes for you.
Graham is like, this is our first date, I just want to great time, I don't want to put a lot of pressure on forever right now. AshLee bats her fake eyelashes and pretends to agree while she mentally plans the floral arrangements for their wedding. The infamous Suite Card arrives, and Graham makes a comment that he doesn't feel comfortable sharing a room yet. AshLee, for her part, acts all demure about it, but we all know that she's secretly dying for him to put it in (after she stealthily poked holes in the condom) so they can make "hot babies" (who the fuck says that?!). Since they're not going to do the hibbity-dippity, they go out to a courtyard somewhere and shake it to a mariachi band. I gotta be honest, Graham's right - all AshLee has to do is move her hips a couple inches in each direction and everyone in the room is happy. The camera person obviously agreed, because there were MANY shots of us looking UP at AshLee's butt as she shook it to the band. You can tell that she's doing her best to seduce Graham so she has a chance to "love and kiss on him" (why does she keep using that phrase? "Love on him", "kiss on him"...it just sounds so dumb, coming from her), but props to Graham for thinking that it seems inappropriate for them to spend the night together. That's a stand-up guy, that Graham.
Cocktail hour! The guys have to carry Chris from the Slut Huts to the Cocktail hHut, and when he gets there he uses a walking stick to walk. HAHAHA, what a douche. Also, why THE FUCK does Marquel keep wearing dorky glasses to the ceremonies? STOP IT MARQUEL, YOU'RE MAKING WANT TO HATE YOU WHEN YOU WEAR THOSE DUMBASS GLASSES.
One Armed Sarah and Robert talk about stuff, and then Robert goes to find Michelle to talk about stuff. Except that he doesn't really actually wanna talk about stuff, and Michelle is all like, "Uh, I WANT to talk about stuff, so we're GOING to talk about stuff." She basically tells him that if he doesn't give her a rose, he's dead meat. Guys love that stuff, don't they? Being forced to talk about stuff, and then being back into a corner and basically threatened with mental anguish if they don't do what a girl wants them to do. I'm surprised that those tactics haven't worked for Michelle in the past and that she has to go to Paradise Island to find love.
The Rose Ceremony begins. Chris momentarily presses pause on whatever it is he's been up to in paradise (lots of massages, probably. I also like to think that he's taken up deep water fishing, and he does this on a yacht while some hot tropical lady suns herself on the deck, and then when the sun goes down he has these great parties with more hot tropical women - Elan's invited, too, probably - and then Chris goes below deck with one or three of these women and they help him get over his divorce with their super delicious brown skin and soft "I don't even have to pretend to know what you're saying because your accent is so thick" Mexican voices, and then when he wakes up and gently extracts himself from the embrace of one or three of those naked hot tropical women, he goes out to drink some pina coladas and do some investigating about this one treasure map he found when he was snorkeling off the coast, and he does all of this while wearing a jaunty straw fedora and blasting Michael McDonald and Kenny Loggins from his aqua blue Mercedes convertible)
The boys are giving out roses this time, and matches go as follows:
Zach - Clare. Jackie mentions something about liking Zach, but I don't really catch it because I'm too busy reading my Bachelor Twitter feed.
Marcus - Lacy ("I'm seeing Marcus and Lacy fall in love right in front of my eyes," Michelle tells us. I, for one, am not falling in love with Lacy's hair and makeup game, though. Not a'tall)
Marquel - Jackie. Lacy tells us that Danielle's face is devastating. Marquel says that it's bittersweet, having to decide between two beautiful girls, so he just went with his heart. He probably would have sounded more sympathetic if he would have just said, "Yo, don't hate the playa, hate the game!"
Robert - One Armed Sarah. YES. Score one for the underdog! Michelle starts crying. I didn't want her to not get a rose, but it does kind of feel like she swooped in on Robert when it looked like Marquel was giving her the shaft, and that kind of sucks.
Chris - he calls Elise to him. "You put the biggest smile on my face," he tells her, "and I can't explain to you that you make me feel in a way I've never felt before. With that being said, I can't give you this rose." WTF?! "As you know I'm hurting a little bit here, and I'm ready to go home, but I want you to go with me. So I hope that you accept my invitation to come with me." And of course Elise doesn't even hesitate - not even for a moment, not even to just, you know, maybe contemplate that she's only know this guy for, what, three days? WHAT IS THERE TO THINK ABOUT - before she tells him yes, of course.
"There's a storm and then comes a rainbow!" Elise tells us. "He doesn't want to be away from me, he wants me to meet his family, he wants me to come with him, he looks extremely handsome and he smells amazing." I seriously love this girl's stream of consciousness - ridiculously grandiose conclusions rounded out with, like, the dumbest details ever.
So Chris stands with Elise and makes a speech about how he still has a rose, and how there is one person here who deserves true love more than anyone. Michelle starts crying, and so does everyone else, because we all know that he means Michelle (meanwhile, Danielle is just standing there, all "Yeah, cool, shut up already so I can hop this limo home."). It's literally the one good thing that Chris has ever done in his life. I'm actually surprised by it.
I still hate him, though.
Chris and Elise leave together, the producers make this misty-lens montage of them throwing back a shot, running into the ocean, Elise wheeling Chris out of the hospital after he sprained his knee, etc, which is hilarious, because they obviously only had three days of material to work with and are totally not-so-subtly hammering that point in.
Danielle leaves in the limo, covers her face with her hair, and says, "This wasn't paradise, this was Marq Hell."
HAHAHA MARQ HELL.
Next week - two episodes over two consecutive nights! (WTF, ABC, stop messing with my schedule! I already have to carve out two hours on Monday night specifically for you, and now you're making me do it on Tuesday, too? SOME PEOPLE IN AMERICA HAVE TO WORK. Not everyone can just sit around, waiting for you to call us up and tell us to pack our bikinis, we're going to a tropical island for another shot of love. We're not all Chris Bukowski, mmkay? Some of us have JOBS). And it looks like crazy town has come to the island - Clare and AshLee fight about something, and then from what I can gather, Graham disses AshLee at the rose ceremony, so she disappears into the jungle and probably attempts to injure herself in some way to get his attention again. Like I said - she's not called Lifetime Original Movie AshLee for nothin'.
It's gonna be GREAT!
See you then, Bachelor Babies!