Welcome back, Bachelor Babies! It's the second episode of Bachelor In Paradise this week, and of course, every "dramatic" moment that you thought would happen tonight? Happened...but in the most underwhelming way you could imagine
Goddamn you, Bachelor editing team. Sometimes I love you, and sometimes you are cruel, cruel magicians.
Anyway, we pick back up at the Rose Ceremony, where Lifetime Original Movie AshLee is waiting to give her rose (and her heart, and her body, and her first born child) to Graham. Graham leaves, comes back, and...accepts her rose.
Kalon and Marquel are sent home, BTW. Marquel is sad about it, and I kind of feel bad for him, but then again, not really - playa got played.
After Graham accepts the rose from AshLee, Lacy is SO DISGUSTED that she feels PHYSICALLY ILL. Really?! Really?! She has to go throw up in a bathroom somewhere. It's so bad that they call an ambulance (really?! REALLY?!). So the whole "there's been a fight! There's an ambulance!" preview ploy is all because Lacy drank some shower water earlier that day (and shame on us for even thinking that it would be anything else - how many times have we been fooled by the whole "And THEN! The ambulance came!" ploy on The Bachelor? And it always ends up being about somebody falling down a couple of stairs?!). Marcus, however, is sooo worried...of course he's worried about the worst! LIKE WHAT, Marcus? That she'll puke herself to death?! I mean, it's happened before, that people have died from food poisoning, but I think it's gonna be okay for Lacy. Call me when something serious/awesome happens, like she gets bit by a jungle python or something.
Christy's here! She was on The Bachelor: Juan Pablo Has a Daughter, and she barely got any screen time before she was sent home.
One Armed Sarah pulls her to the side to let her know which people are already coupled up (a.k.a., tell her to step off when it comes to Robert), but Christy decides to just go with her heart and do her own thing, a.k.a ignore the established couples. The man in her sights? Crazy Clare's boy toy, Zach. Sarah is like, "I told her that he was, like, completely spoken for", which makes me laugh - who gives a shit? No one's engaged, and the whole point of the newcomers is to shake things up. I love that Christy is like, Fuck That.
Christy pulls Zack aside to talk to him about the date card, and he's like, "I like you, but I'm kind of dating this crazy chick who would seriously cut both of us if I went out on a date with you." Clare comes in to the living space only to be told that there's a new girl here, and that new girl is talking to Zack right that second. When Zack's done letting Christy down easy, Clare and Zack go and "talk"...otherwise known as Crazy Clare Interrogation Time. She even does that thing where she wipes something off his face while he's talking to her, which is a total "I own you, you are mine" Girl Code thing. Zack tells Clare that he said no to the date with Christy, and Clare is like "AAHHHH I can trust him we're getting married this is wonderful."
Christy, for her part, tells us that Zack saying no really throws her off. She's not here to just date some douchebag like her ex-boyfriend. At which point One Armed Sarah introduces her to Jesse, she asks him on a date, and all of America laughs because Jesse is EXACTLY like her douchebag ex-boyfrind.
Christy and Jesse's date is pretty much the most boring Mexico "adventure" ever. They eat some chocolate and then do some tequila, and then have a really boring conversation about Christy's ex, who cheated on her. She found out by finding another girl's bra in his bed (btw, what girl leaves her bra in a guy's bed? The Walk of Shame is hard enough without your boobs bouncing all over the place) Jesse's like, "Oh yeah, I've done that before" while pretending to Christy that he would never, ever do that.
When it comes to Michelle and Cody, Lacy tells us that CODY is moving too quickly when it comes to Michelle. Really, Lacy?! YOU'RE giving relationship advice?! You're the worst. Cody tells Michelle that he's into her and that it's her or no one. Michelle says that it's hard because it's all happening so fast...uh, yeah. You LITERALLY were nothing a day ago, and now you're talking about all or nothing. Cody, however, wants someone who will make him The Best Cody, and for him, that's Michelle. Michelle is nervous about it, but not so nervous that she doesn't want to feel up his massive quads.
According to Christy and Jesse, they had a great time on their date. According to America, it was the most boring, vapid date ever. They come back to the house, and party girl announces that "I could be leaving in two days, I wanna get wasted, what the fuck!" Jackie notes that ever since Christy came to the island, Jesse's been acting totally different...yeah, I'd say. Christy brings out Jesse's true colors, which is Slimeball Green, Douchebag Yellow, and Asshole Red. To prove the point, Christy and Jesse totally start making out.
Clare and Zack are sitting at a campfire, and Clare tells Zack that she "hopes" Christy doesn't feel weird being around them, being that she basically tried to move in on Clare's man even though she was fully aware that Zack was CLARE'S man, and NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION WHEN IT CAME TO DATES WITH OTHER GIRLS NAMED CHRISTY. This whole conversation is so hilarious, because we all know full well that Clare wants to make sure that Christy feels as uncomfortable as possible. Unfortunately, we don't get the chance to witness what would surely be the most entertaining part of this whole series, because Zack unwisely takes it as an opportunity to tell Clare that he's still "figuring things out" between them. "You were, like, all in right away, and I tend to take things much slower." Oh shit. Clare is pushes him on it, and basically tries to make the point that he should know what he wants, and if he doesn't, then he doesn't want it with her. "I'm going to bed," she tells him, which is basically code for "I am so mad at you right now, and the best way to punish you for it is to make you worry about it all night long." Zack tells us that he's confused. Yeah, buddy, you are confused - you are confused about how girls work. Girls don't want to hear about how you're still "figuring things out." Keep that shit to yourself, okay? Or just talk about it with your bros. DON'T tell the girl you're seeing, completely unsolicited, that you don't "know" about the two of you quite yet.
I feel like you guys are getting both a reality tv recap and dating/relationship coaching all in one.
So Clare goes into the bathroom and cries, and then she runs off into the jungle (followed by Elan. ELLAAAAAAAAN!) and cries some more. The jungle animals, alerted by the sound of her tears, gather around her the way they would a Disney Princess, but quickly dart away when she starts to talk like a crazy person again. "I don't want this! It's all drama! And here I am, looking like a fool, AGAIN, and I just wanna leave!"
It's pretty amazing.
After a while, Clare comes out of the jungle and finds Michelle to Whisper Talk about it. "It's not paradise for me. It's torture." WE ALL FEEL THE SAME WAY, CLARE, WHEN IT COMES TO YOU. She tells Michelle that she's leaving. No one believes her, until she goes to find Zack (queue scary-movie music, which is SO hilarious). Waking him up from a deep sleep, she makes him go sit outside with her while she cries about how he hurt her and she's going home now, which is every guy's dream, right? Like the best moment in his entire life.
"It's never easy to hear a man say that you're not what he's looking for, that he's not sure about you," Clare tells us. OF COURSE HE'S NOT SURE, CLARE: YOU'VE KNOWN HIM FOR ONLY A WEEK. Get the fucking net! "Like I know I'm going out crying with a stuffy nose and puffy eyes, but it doesn't stop me from wanting a perfect love for me," she asserts, later. Zack carries her bags out to the van while simultaneously high-riving himself on the inside, and Clare gives him a hug and a parting shot: "I just wish you could have seen what I saw in you." Which is awesome, because I've totally done that kind of thing to guys, too, and it's like the best passive-agressive move EVER. "I'm so tired of feeling these feelings," she tells us. "It's exhausting. It's not good." And then, in a sad little voice, she ends with, "This is why I just wanted to do Dancing With The Stars."
HAHAHAHA. That was pretty much the most adorable thing she's ever said. Too bad Dancing With The Stars is also still "figuring out" their relationship with Clare.
LUCY'S HERE! The shoeless flower girl from The Bachelor: Juan Pablo Has a Daughter is here, and you know what that means:
BOOBS OUT TIIIIIME! She shows up wearing a huge flower crown, because of course she does. She's also literally there for, like, ten minutes before she strips down to her birthday suit, apparently with the goal of finding someone to go on her date with her (I wonder if that would work for me, too? I feel like if I bounced around naked, I'd maybe get asked out on more dates, too?). She has really pretty gold and silver tattoo jewelry on, though, which I fully enjoy, so I'm not even all that annoyed. She bounces up to Jesse and asks him if he wants to go on a date with her. He obviously says yes. Then we find out that Christy and Lucy are best friends, which you would think would be complicate things, but with these two, it really just means that there's probably going to be threesome.
Also, I thought Kate Upton was your best friend, Lucy.
Jesse and Lucy go see some more temple ruins. GOD these dates are getting boring. Jesse is all, "Lucy is blah blah blah, I can't wait for her to take her top off again, blah blah."
Michelle and Cody go on their date, which takes place at a hotel, and apparently they're doing a mock pre-wedding photo shoot. WTF? Sometimes Bachelor reminds me of that well-meaning but also really annoying best friend who purposefully puts you in really awkward situations with that guy you like. The photographer asks them to do a clothing change, so they go off to separate suites, and Michelle walks into her room to find a wedding dress waiting for her. She freaks out while the rest of America wonders why they didn't give this date to Clare or AshLee. Let's start playing like champions, producers.
So after she "totally freaks out", Michelle puts the dress on and comes walking out onto the beach toward Cody, who is ecstatic and not even trying to hide the fact that he's totally cool with pretending that these are their wedding photos. Which is kind of weird, right? Also, Cody, you GOTTA get another hair cut. Like, seriously. You look like a comic book character with that hair.
AshLee walks into Graham's bunk and is like, "I have something for you." AND THEN PULLS OUT A DAGGER AND STABS HIM! Just kidding, even though that scenario is totally realistic for AshLee. She has a date card, and for their date, they pull up to race car driving course. "Please tell me that we get to drive these things!" Graham exclaims. Why is there no one smart on this show?
So AshLee drives first, and she drives like a grandma. "AshLee proved to me tonight that she is ready for a minivan." YA THINK?! Then he makes this really long metaphor for how racing a race car is like a relationship/date, and every woman in America gets wet from being compared to a motorized vehicle. (we don't even have to hear you doing it...it's like a bat signal for us. "Someone in America must be comparing women to a shiny metal object that they can steer, need to learn how to maneuver, and have to maintain, because I am suddenly, inexplicably aroused.")
Back at the Slut Huts, it's campfire time! Robert and One Armed Sarah are cuddled up, Marcus and Lacy are murmuring to each other about how they can't wait to go to bed (so go to bed? WTF), and Christy's over there, sitting by herself, all, "There's so much booze and no one's drinking it! WHY! It makes me so mad." Calm down, there, Party Girl.
(Un)Luckily for us, Marcus and Lacy are feeling True Love. Apparently brains isn't everything, ladies - men will still fall in love with you if you jump into the ocean with just about anybody, play two guys against each other, and continue to mispronounce everything. Marcus tells Lacy that he loves her and she's like, "That makes my heart skip a beat." Can you stop it with the cliches already? First we had to hear you tell us that "You're never fully dressed without a smile" on The Bachelor, and now this bullshit. Also, I am actually totally jealous and dying with envy that they get to sit on a beach and make out in front of a campfire while I'm sitting on a couch, wondering when, exactly, my vagina will just decide to close down shop and lock down the shutters due to business having dried up in the ghost town formerly known as Sex City.
To make things even better/worse, Lucy and Jesse are kissing, and they do this weird thing where Lucy stands in front of Jesse and puts her arm back and basically gives him a sexy little handshake. It's gross and weird. They return to the campfire, Lucy makes a spectacle, and I realize for the 100th time that Lucy is totally that girl that I would want to punch in the face - she always has to be center of attention and be The Fun Girl, and if you, for one mini second, *don't* feel like being The Fun Girl with her, suddenly YOU'RE the one who's uptight and not cool and has a problem with life. Like, that's the opposite of what fun hippies should be - they should just let you chill and have the coolness to leave you alone when you wanna be left alone, man.
The campfire ends with Jesse and Christy and Lucy doing shots, and Lacy being confounded by the very idea of shots ("Shots? On a beach in paradise? During a campfire? With a bunch of hot young people? I just, like, don't get it. It's confucious to me.").
|Apparently, though, doing shots in broad daylight ISN'T confusing to Lacy.|
Christy and Jesse end up in bed, kissing and rubbing on each other (seriously, we got to see it, and it was gross), and Lucy goes to find them, because of course she does. Lucy believes that sharing is caring. "It's natural, it feels good, why not do it all the time?" Yes...why NOT have a threesome with your "best friend" and the biggest slime bucket in America all the time?! Especially on national TV - what better place to demonstrate these particular beliefs?! And you know what really pisses me off about this? Lucy gets laid ALL the time. You know she does. That's the beauty of not having any sexual morals - you get to have sex, like, a BILLION times before your adult brain kicks in and is like, "Uh, maybe we want to start taking this stuff seriously." So it's like, I wanna hate her because she's dumb and annoying and basically shows off her sexuality in a way that is also dumb and annoying, and yet...I also feel like, Go On Wit' Yo' Bad Self, Girlfriend. I ain't gonna slut shame you, because that's not what I do. I only slut shame people who use sex to hurt other people, or do it for selfish/manipulative ends, and you use sex for neither of those things. So welcome to your threesome on national TV, and let's hope Jesse wasn't too drunk to make it worth your while.
BOTH your whiles, I should say.
Cocktail party! A bunch of people have conversations - Jackie and Zack (he basically gives himself another internal high-five for chasing Clare off the Island so he can hang out with Jackie now), Christy talks to Jesse, then Jesse talks to Lucy. Lucy apparently tells Jesse something shady about Christy, because even though Christy is Lucy's Best Friend, all is fair in
Rose Ceremony results are as follows!
Robert - Sarah
Graham - AshLee
Marcus makes a long and boring speech to Lacy...so boring that everyone starts to sigh and roll their eyes - even Chris Harrison looks bored - and then he kisses her for an uncomfortable amount of time. Take it down to the beach, you two!
Zack - Jackie (YAY)
Cody - Michelle
Jesse - despite the "drama" of who Jesse will pick (do we actually care?) he gives it to Christy, which is actually kind of surprising - Lucy IS more fun, you guys - until he explains: "Christy likes me. But with whats-her-nuts...Lucy...she's not really giving me the vibe" and he wants to make sure he gets a rose next week. Wow, isn't Jesse SO NICE? Like, WHAT a gentleman, you guys. Lucy says it makes her sad for Christy because he's a jerk. NOW she's concerned about Christy?! These people are the worst.
Next time on Bachelor In Paradise, we see that someone shows up to throw One Armed Sarah off her game with Robert (dude, take what you can get and stick with it, Sarah), and that Zack's head is also turned by yet another newcomer. Cody and Michelle get closer, AshLee probably does some more crazy shady shit, Lacy and Marcus make out some more, and Christy continues to be the Resident Skank Party Girl of the Island (seriously, when she was on Juan Pablo's season, she was all cute and wore pretty outfits and actually brushed her hair, and now on Bachelor In Paradise, she looks like she could legitimately being hiding a drug problem).
Or, that's what I just assume will happen based on the past episodes of this show.
Tune in next week to find out if I'm right!