|This is me, trying to be fancy.|
My gentle fellow womenfolk:
I have found the cure for Total Sucktown Lady Time Cramps.
A couple months ago, I attended this super awesome doTERRA class, where I learned a bunch of really awesome stuff. (I will tell you more about this in said post mentioned above) From that class, I learned that ingesting lemon essential oil helps to cure a hangover, rubbing lavender and/or cedarwood helps with deep sleep, and that lemongrass keeps mosquitos away.
About a week later, I slathered myself with lemongrass before attending a party in the woods. When I got to said party in the woods, I watched in abject astonishment as troops of mosquitos swarmed me, yet not a one even touched my skin.
So that was awesome.
The next day, I sang the praises of this miraculous discovery to my family and friends, and have used it on every buggy day ever since. I don't even mind, anymore, that I smell like lemongrass. I'm bug-free! And at least I don't smell like patchouli, so, you know. You pick your battles.
But probably the biggest, most amazing thing with the oils happened today:
Today was the beginning of Mah Lady Days. Probably one of the ways I am Most Cursed By Thy Lord is that my body likes to make sure that I am fully awake when I start riding the crimson wave, so as to reap the full, painful, excruciating benefits of the accompanying abdominal cramps. Seriously - even if it's the middle of the night and I am asleep, my body will be like, "WAKE THE FUCK UP, PRETTY LADY, BECAUSE IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO PAY FOR ALL OF THE SINS OF THE UNIVERSE, BOTH IN THIS LIFETIME AND IN THE NEXT."
Or, you know, it will just wait for the moment I wake up in the morning to Bring The Pain. There is no slumbering blissfully through these cramps, my friends. I never get to wake up, yawn and stretch blissfully and be all, "Oh hey, guess I'm not pregnant from all the sex that I didn't have this month. Those cramps must have just came and went while I was parading through dreamtown! Let's dance!"
And that's not even the worse part: These camps are often so painful that it actually hurts to talk or move. Until I started working from home, it was a necessary occurrence that I would have to call in sick to work. One month they were so bad that I literally threw up.
So yeah. Super fun! See why I don't have any sympathy for men and their "But why do I have to initiate/pay/take charge of everything when it comes to dating?!" BECAUSE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO KNOW THE MIND-NUMBING PAIN THAT IS THE MENSTURAL CRAMP, THAT'S WHY. Also, you get paid more than us for doing the same work and you also seem to still somehow slide out of doing The Second Shift when it comes to family and kids, and you live longer and reap more health benefits just by being married, SO YEAH, YOU GET TO FREAKING INITIATE THE BEGINNING PROCESS OF THE THING THAT ULTIMATELY BENEFITS YOU AND NOT US.
So totally sucky cramps: It was just a part of my life, kids. It was simply the lot that I had been given, to bear alone.
Until now, that is.
This morning, The Pain was brought'en, and it was The Bad Kind - I can tell it's going to be bad because my lower back starts to ache before the actual shit show even begins. So, knowing I had a full day ahead of me and desperately racking my brain for anything that could stop the cramps in their torture tracks, I broke out my rollerball of ClaryCalm and rubbed the oil on my chest and abdomen.
(Sidenote: It was pretty hot. Basically it was a scene straight out of your favorite soft-core Skinimax)
I had initially bought ClaryCalm because of its effects on emotions: It's a blend that has Lavendar, Bergamot, Roman Chamomile, Cedarwood, and Ylang Ylang, all of which are super calming, super great oils to use in meditation and yoga. But the teacher of my doTERRA class had also mentioned that ClaryCalm is popular with a lot of women because it helps with PMS and other rad Lady Business Stuff like cramps and hot flashes. So I figured this was probably the primo time to test that out.
5 minutes later, not even lying, the cramps were gone.
That shit doesn't even happen with Amber's "Holy Shit This Is the Worst" Menstrual Cramp Power Attack Pack (mega-dosage of Midol, hot bath or heating pad, ice cream and magazines, and a lot of moaning and whining). Midol and other related substances will alleviate some of the pain, and the hot bat and heating pad will make it more bearable, but I've never had anything else just completely erase the cramps from my body.
You guys know I don't pimp out a lot of stuff on here, and I'm not what you'd call a seller - trying to sell someone on something kind of makes me a little sick to my stomach (unless it's like, you know...the value of high self-esteem or this really cute guy that I think you should go on a date with). But I gotta tell you - this stuff is amazeballs. I was already into essential oils and doTERRA after the delightful discovery of the magical uses for lemon, lavender, and lemongrass, but now with this ClaryCalm stuff, I'm totally freaking hooked. If you get Lady Cramps, you gotta get this stuff. It's seriously like magic, only it's NOT.
Which is also MAGIC, but just REALLY SMART LOGICAL MAGIC.
** If you're interested in trying ClaryCalm, Lemongrass, or other doTERRA oils, feel free to hit me up in the comments or send me an email to get hooked up with some super sweet knowledge on how to save cash money on the oils. I signed up as a wholesale member right away because A. I enjoy congratulating myself for being super smart and not having to pay full-price for stuff B. the wholesale membership pays for itself after only a few oils, and C. you can also earn loyalty points, which translates into free oils (I love being rewarded for doing stuff I was going to do anyway). AND, there's a super sweet deal going on this month for peeps who sign up as a new wholesale members ($50 in free oils!). And no pressure - I promise I won't try to sell you on anything you don't want - but if you want to try doTERRA, this is honestly the best way to do it. And then you'll have money left over for other stuff...like this, or this, or thiiiiiis.