After the overwhelming number of single females who read this blog get sight of this, he's gonna have to change the title.

Oh wait.

Sorry, Nate: My stats show that the majority of my readers are middle-aged divorced men (nobody tell my mom, kay?), not young and/or single chicks. That's kind of a bummer.

But, everyone should check out The Singleton (in case you're not in the know, Nate was nominated for the vita.mn Most Eligible Bachelor contest. And I totally voted for him, Taylor. Your peer pressure has no influence on me). Nate's not too hard to look at, either.

I just totally objectified him.

Yesss!

Linkity-Links.

Wax On Wax HOFF.

Stuff White People Like.

Top 10 Rap Songs White People Love

"I don't understand why people think it's okay to set their MySpace page to private when I'm trying so hard to stalk someone."

Hullo, my lovelies!

I know I need to post something...maybe not so much for you or me but for all the visitors who have come here from Diablo's blog, apparently hoping for some delicious dish on one of my favorite hometown girls (hello, Greece! Hello, Princeton University!). Sorry, yo.

Sidenote: FUCK YEAH! So proud and excited for you, lady.

But, it was a big weekend. Birkie weekend, which is big enough anyway (and, um, this year was a big one. Wishes-realized-big) but add in the Oscars and the anticipation and excitement over that (and not just because my husband was hosting. Nice work, baby!)...and well, I'm kind of spent.

I'm also doing this thing where I'm sighing wistfully a lot and staring off into space, so unless you want a slew of crappy poems about feelings and stuff, it's best if I just take a chill pill for a few days. Consider this my note excusing me from gym class.

Turrah!

I don't really think there's any "you" in this marriage, either.

Remind me why you decided to get married and have kids again?

This post, wherein I take pleasure from others' mock pain.

Heidi from "The Hills" just recently spilled that the backlash from her HORRENDOUS video has caused her "to cry herself to sleep at night":


Perhaps now you can understand why.

And just to prove it, she decided to show us how horrible it is to cry. Or, more to the point, how horrible it is to see her pretend to cry -

My favorite is the one of her standing. I know that when I'm really messed up - you know, just bawling my eyes out - all I can really stand to do is pose in front of a white chair placed strategically on a sidewalk, too.

It helps to ease the pain.

Because you totally care.

So I went to this site tonight (thanks, patiomensch!), and saw this -

Which I totally passed up at Goodwill two weeks ago because I have this "thing" against impulsive buying.

I've gotta get over that.

Let's get to wrasselin'.

So the Guy Week portion where I tell you how to do stuff is over. Now we're going to turn it halfway around into Girl Week, but with a twist: This will be the week where we talk about things pertaining to girls that you've always wanted to get off your hairy chests.

First up: Women's fashions.

What do you hate? Uggs with denim skirts? Me, too (except on one of my coworkers, who can totally pull it off because she makes it look laid-back and snowboarder-esque instead of uptight and poseurish). What do you love? What don't you understand? What trend do you wish would come back or what trend do you wish would disappear from the face of the earth, never to be seen again?

This is your chance! Your chance to be heard by all women (who read this blog)!

Grab it.

"Apple Bottom jeans, boots with tthe furrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...."

What I love this week -

It's Birkie Weekend on Friday! * The movie Rocket Science * Laying around, drinking coffee, and reading gossip rags on Sundays * These over-the-knee Chinese Laundry boots that I totally bought last night as a gift to myself for being so awesome * New episodes of Degrassi * Olivia Thirlby, who plays Juno's best friend * Reece's Pieces * "Nothin" by Robert Plant & Alison Krauss, off their collaborative album Raising Sand *

They met, were engaged three months later, & just (happily) celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary. None of that compared to birthing me. YES!

This is a written replay of my mom's Happy Birthday voice mail, which I still have saved on my phone:

Mom: "Hi, Amber, it's your mom. Just calling to wish you a happy birthday. Hope you had a good day...hello? Hello? *sigh* Is someone there? Who else is on the line?!"
Dad, with a touch of annoyance in his voice: "Me."
Mom, exasperated: "Well, David! What are you doing?"
Dad: "Well, I want to talk to her, too!"
Mom: "But Dave, Amber's not even on the phone. I got her voice mail."
Dad: *click*
Mom: "We love you, Amber. Hope you had a good birthday."

I love my parents.

Perhaps an overhaul of our mental health and social services is overdue.

This would be a good example.

My special Sunday morning blog post...made special for you...SPECIAL!

This Sunday's video treats will follow the theme of the videos (with a few adult variations, of couse) that I have to watch every day at work.

First, Kermit. I love Sesame Street, and I love it when people take Kermit and make him do things that he would not do on Sesame Street. And yes, I've seen the "Hurt" video but I like this one more -


This is usually how it plays out in all of my relationships, too -


This is one of my all-time favorites. I also have three non-verbal clients who absolutely LIGHT UP every time they see this video -


Who DOESN'T remember this one? Get it...I said "remember" when talking about this one -


All-Star -


John John!

Happy Valentine's Day to the person I love the most in the entire world:

Love ya, Katy.

Check it.

Arabian Monkey has posted a flow chart that should be able to tell you whether or not you dress like a douchebag.

Party all the time. ALL THE TIME.

We had an '80's party for Melanie's 25th birthday this weekend. Pre-party at Nic's, then to Throwbacks in Woodbury to see Hairball, a totally rad '80's cover band. For real. They'll knock your pom-pom socks off.

TIGHT!

Leg warmers by Athena (No, for real. She knit them herself!) and note the Styx shirt worn by Stacey.

Which is totally unfair, because she's never even seen them in concert LIKE I HAVE.

Our show deals with real teen issues of today.

Back in the day, they called these shoes 'fuck me pumps'. Not so much today.

Nothing says 'cool' like leaning up against a brick wall.
Melanie had the best senior photo in the entire '86 graduating class.Underneath it all, she was wearing Love's Baby Soft.


Nic's got the moves.

Who knew people got so emotional about Valentines Day?

The public has spoken! You love my Valentines Day posts!

So here's another one that I had planned to write anyway but now see an even greater need for -

1. What has been your best Valentines Day?

2. What has been your worst Valentines Day?

3. What are you doing for Valentines Day?

I'm asking number 3 because I received two emails from men who asked for general ideas, specifically for the new relationship. I would answer them myself, but my throat kind of hurts from everyone jumping down it just because I dared to state my own opinions.

Aaand...I was going to save this for the upcoming Girl Week, but it's timely and so I think we should discuss in the present:

Guys, what are some things that you would be down with when it comes to receiving on Valentines Day?

And nobody better jump on my back about "It all depends on the person" because we're talking general here. Don't make me repeat myself.

Mama don't like repeating herself.

A Valentine's Day mish-mash.

Before we go any further, I just need to get this off my chest because I read a comment like this in vita.mn today and Katy can attest to my venomous reaction to it.

DON'T BE THE ASSHOLE WHO SAYS "Valentines Day is just a Hallmark holiday / Every day should be Valentines Day."

You know why saying this makes you an asshole? Because the only guys who say these things are the very ones who don't make any day Valentines Day. If they did, they wouldn't have any problem celebrating Valentines Day because then it would be just like every other day. Also, Christmas has also become a commercialized holiday but no one hears any of you chumps expounding on how everyone should stop giving you gifts and celebrating the day because 'every day should Christmas day'.

Aaaaand big breath out.

And no whining about how guys like to get roses and surprises and feel special on Valentines Day, too. We're not talking you right now. We're talking about us. We'll talk about you later, when we remind you of all the things that we do for you every single day and how you can't even do the dishes, not even once, not even when you know how much it would mean to us for you to do it just once without us having to ask you to.

I don't love the traditional Valentines Day stuff. I don't think this comes as a surprise to any of you, but I thought I would state it anyway. Most guys can figure this stuff out: Dinner at a romantic restaurant, limo ride, candles, roses, the gig. Which is why I can't understand why guys complain about Valentines Day so much...if you want to go the traditional route, it's a no-brainer. I'm a fan of smaller, more meaningful gestures. Maybe don't even do anything for Valentines Day, because then I'll get the point that your heart's not in it and then I can extract myself from a sure-to-be-doomed relationship and that might be the best Valentines Day gift of all! But again, my point: If you're looking for some left-field ideas, here are some that you can stick in your back pocket if you so choose (ladies, feel free to also contribute your tips):

1. Send roses to her place of employment.
Not every guy knows about this, but every guy should: If you really want to make a girl feel swell, send her a dozen roses while she's at work. I will admit that even I love this, and I hardly ever love anything that deals with the romantic stuff so you should know this is a big thing.

*Also, before we go any further, let me also state this: Unless she is genuinely allergic to them, hesitate to believe most girls who say they don't want or like getting flowers. A lot of girls only say this because A. She wants to seem low-maintenance, B. She wants you to know that she doesn't expect anything because for some reason us girls think that you're more likely to do stuff if we don't expect you to, or C. She doesn't have a pressing need for flowers and would rather you do other personalized, more heartfelt stuff. Don't call her on her bluff, though. Pretend that you believe her and count yourself lucky that you're not dating a self-proclaimed Princess, and then promptly send her some flowers when she least expects it. She's a girl. Deep down, apparently most girls secretly love to be surprised with flowers.*

The biggest positive about sending flowers to her workplace is simple: It's a surprise. A thoughtful, sweet surprise. The second thing is this: It shows everyone she works with that she's dating a stand-up guy who thinks she's pretty great...so great, in fact, that he wants to surprise her at work with flowers. I can't even think of a possible scenario where this would be a bad thing. Not even if she's married (and by married, I mean married to someone other than you)...even then sending flowers to her workplace would just declare to everyone that she's so desirable that other guys want to woo her even though she's married.

2. Hershey's Kisses. Personalized, yo.
Probably the best gift I've ever seen a guy give his girlfriend for Valentines Day was when my friend Craig was dating my other friend Bridget during our first year at NPU. He took a bag of regular Hershey Kisses, meticulously unwrapped every one and removed the little "Hershey's" wisp of paper inside. He then replaced the paper with his own, upon which he had written an attribute that he loved about Bridget.

It's hard to get more thoughtful than that. You are welcome to steal this idea, though, because even though the framework is Craig's, you can't do it without putting your own creativity into it.

3. White Castle.
It would take a special kind of girl who would be delighted with White Castles' Valentines Day dinner. But if you find one, hold onto her...she sounds like a hella cool girlfriend. I think I also want to be her new best friend.

4. Gift Basket.
This particular avenue has loads of potential. It can be inexpensive, creative, and most of all, it's completely personalized by design. What does your S.O. like? Movies? Books? Crocheting? Precious Moments figurines? Create a gift basket around it: Think of it as an adult Easter basket of sorts...fill it with themed goods selected around her preferences. Better yet, design it around a future date that you and your S.O. can share together, such as a movie night (a DVD both of you want to see, bags of microwave popcorn, some candy, a coupon to rub her feet or some crap like that...). Chicks love gifts that speak of spending future time together.


That's all I got. I don't really sit around all the time trying to think of great things for you to do for your girlfriend for Valentines Day. Sue me.


Here are a few things that can be great ideas but also have a great capacity to backfire, so I'm wording you to the wise so you don't fall fool to them:

1. Cooking her dinner.
The first rule of this is that you have to make every effort to appear as though you're not doing this because you're either A. Cheap or B. Lazy. Guys tend to be under the impression that this is the most romantic thing you can do. Some girls tend to relay "He cooked me dinner" to their girlfriends with the accompaniment of rolled eyes. Yes, cooking dinner takes effort and planning. We love that about cooked dinners. However, keep in mind that the thing about restaurant menus is that we can get what we want because there are choices at a restaurant. Most men, when cooking us dinner, tend to only make what they want. They also expect us to help them clean up afterward, which is just so wrong.
**Exception: Making a really easy dish but accompanying it with posh service. For example, setting up a lavish picnic area and serving pizza/mac & cheese/Taco Bell if that's her favorite.

2. Making a Mix CD.
All I have to say is that if you're going to go this route, please put some thought into songs that you think she'll really love versus songs that you want her to have because they say so much about you. Unless she specifically asks for a Mix CD like that, getting one is really very transparent and akin to us getting you a life-size teddy bear because it was "so cute".

3. Lingerie.
Oh my god. So many men have gone wrong with this that I don't even think I should advise anyone to even attempt it. You get a size way too small and she's embarrassed and humiliated because she can't fit into it. You get a size too big and she thinks you think she's fat. You get the grossest lingerie evah and she feels like maybe you think there's something lacking in the bedroom and she now wants to talk about it all night. This present is best for the girl with a high libido because it sends the message that you think she's a hot little minx that you only want more and more of. So, if you must, make sure you know her size (check her underwear tags, Sherlock). Make sure you go somewhere that specializes in lingerie, like Victoria's Secret (or if you want to really knock her knickers off, La Perla or Agent Provocateur). Ask a saleswoman to help you - they get guys like you in there all the time and they'll know to steer you to something sexy, not skanky.

*Kind-of-but-probably-not final word: You do not have to spend a lot of money to give the girl you like/lust/love a great Valentines Day. Most of us, in fact, would prefer that you don't. Creative and homemade gestures mean so much more than anything store-bought or phancy-pants. The key here is ensuring that the focus of the day ends up feeling special rather than cheap, because when it comes to Valentines Days...girls can always tell which one you cared about the most.

Also, when thinking of what to do for occasion, you are the best expert. You're the one who's dating her. If you don't know, shame on you for not listening because she's probably already dropped a million hints, but now you know to do better next year. In the meantime you can call her best friend because god knows she's been listening to your GF's romantic fantasies for years.

If you are completely in blissful serious-relationship existence with your lovely S.O. or think that this might be the girl that you want to spend the rest of your life with, please do me one favor: Please give her at least one really grand Valentines Day during her time with you. You should already want to do this, but I tell this to all of my guy friends and I really mean it. Keep in mind that it's not just for her: For the rest of her life she'll be telling the story of how you completely swept her off her feet that one Valentines Day. That story will also keep you in good stead when you really fuck up and forget an anniversary or something.

Alright now...off with you. I know this might be half-assed compared to what you were expecting, but then that's pretty perfect because that's probably the tone you're gonna give for Valentines Day anyway, so we might as well be on the same page.

Love ya!

V-Day also stands for Victory. And Vagina.

Sigh.

I'm really not in the mood to write today. My focus is off, I'm not happy with anything that I've started to write, and thus I can't seem to finish any posts. Which makes me cranky.

Which means that I'm in the perfect mood to write about Valentines Day for Guy Week.

Awwww YEAH!

Hold your breath. Unlike your girlfriend, it's coming soon.

Just in time for Valentines Day!!!!

New designs:

I also tried to make a "Listen to Air Supply" shirt, but it was copyrighted. WTF.

And this is my favorite part of that shirt -

Two things:

1. What are you giving up for Lent?

2. What are your feelings on the boxers vs. briefs debate? (BTW, Guy Week is not over...it got interrupted by social obligations and other stuff...will continue until I'm done talking about it) I'm preparing my dissertation on this and I'm interested in your thoughts.


No, really. I am.

Bacon Birthday Bash.

It's my birthday on Wednesday (you can go to the links on the right to get to my Amazon Wish List), and on Friday night two of the ladies I love most in the world, Karah and Chelsea, threw this girl a smashing party at the NE Bulldog.
I'm not going to pull the "I have the worst birthdays in the world" bit...okay, I'm gonna, because I do (along with Valentine's Days. Those also have a knack of ending up being tremendously horrific). I almost died on my very first birthday - I had pneumonia - and I didn't get any presents, either (according to my mom, she was too busy "saving my life" to go out and buy me stuff). Other birthdays have been much of the same. Even last year, which was supposed to be super awesome because Kimmy and Katy took me to Mexico, ended up being an atrociously bad birthday.

So when my birthday rolls around, I've learned not to make a big production of it. It's not wise to tempt fate. Also, I just don't ever want to be someone who forces everyone to fawn over her when it's her birthday. I'm fine with letting the day pass quietly. However, it does mean an incredible amount to me when someone else decides to do something special for my birthday (with me included in those plans).

Also, when they know enough to center the party around bacon, I know that I've struck Friendship Club gold.
Matt had finally had enough with Karah's comments regarding Women's Golf.
But then they made nice for the camera. Crazy nice.
Ted, Deb, and Meredith: Quite possibly the sweetest and cutest threesome ever. In a non-porno kind of way.
NO MATT! NO MORE BACON! WE HAVE ENOUGH BACON ALREADY!
I'm sorry, Matt. I didn't mean to yell. You just upset me so much sometimes. Please put down the knife. Please don't kill yourself at my party. Suicide is a party downer.
That Karah is one hot dish.
I also took three pictures of Chelsea and I, but Chelsea promptly deleted them. BUT YOU CAN NEVER DELETE THEM FROM MY HEART, CHELSEA!

When I arrived at Bulldog Northeast, I asked the hostess if she knew where a party for a girl named Amber was. "Follow the unicorn," she said, pointing to the ceiling.
Jeremy makes eating look dirty.
ANDREW!
I told Katy that night that I would marry her if I didn't like guys so much. She took it well, I think.
Dave gets bored sometimes. Even though everything I have to say is fascinating.
Seriously. Future bridesmaid material all the way.
Aaron was once on the cover of "Maxim" and tries to not let any of us forget it.
Courtney demonstrates the correct insertion method. Aaron suddenly realizes, to his horror, that he's been doing it wrong all along. Chris wonders if Amber will be discussing this topic during Guy Week.
Pretty Pretty Princess: Dave Loomer.The End.

*Special thanks to Oliver and Paul for waiting around so late. You two are perfect - also charming - gentlemen.

What Chelsea and Karah got me for Christmas:

This is a teaser. When Karah and Chelsea said that they would plan a birthday party for me, I suspected, if their gift-giving was any sign, that it would be brilliant.

Chelsea's Christmas present:
(Chels & Matt also gave me a gift certificate to the Smitten Kitten...at first I thought it was because they were just being optimistic about my future - don't ever give up on me, guys! - but then I realized that, after reading "Sex Talk" for a few hours, a girl's gonna need an outlet for frustration. They're always thinking about my feelings.)

Karah's Christmas present:


Seriously. The Chronicles of Amber. And it's only a Volume 1, which means that there are more volumes out there.

Happy birthday, Dad!

Thanks for still wanting to go out in public with me even when I looked like this.