Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Happy birthday, Krissy-fer!

You're my older brother,
and that's alright.
Sometimes you're mean to me
and sometimes you're outta-sight.

You cried and screamed when I was born
and the nurse carried me away.
You were super scared she was taking me away for good.
I don't blame you.
I would've been pretty scared, too.
I was a really cute baby.

We used to share bunk beds
and sometimes even our toys.
You taught me how to punch a face
and to like The Beastie Boys.

Now you're all grown up and stuff
and married to a super cool lady.
You're still pretty funny and kinda cool and stuff.
I can't really think of anything that rhymes with "lady"
except for "Katy".
'Cept that's not about you, that's about me
Which, really, it's kinda how it's always supposed to be!
Just kidding.

So Happy Birthday, Kristopher!
If I were a wise man, I would bring you gold, frankincense and myrhh.
But I'm not.
Pop lock and pop
lock and pop
Pop lock and pop pop pop.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Pretty much the best blog ever.

Confession time: For about a year now I've harbored the secret fantasy of becoming a critic for a magazine or newspaper. Only, a reviewer with an angle...I would title myself, "The Lazy Critic". Let's say, for instance, Metro Magazine assigned me to review, say, Bar Abilene. My sparkling review would be written as follows: "Last night I went to Bar Abilene and I had ____. It was just okay." Or, "I saw "The Pineapple Express" last night. It was funny." Variations would have to be made, of course, depending on my wealth of critical expertise. Such as, "It sucked", or "It was fine.", or "Maybe go if you're bored." Because, I mean, let's face it...when you're a tastmaker in this town like I am, you don't need to stuff it all up with a bunch of details and shit.

Which is why I love this blog so much. I have to give credit to David, Mary, and John for alerting me - and now you - to the outstanding awesomeness, which I feel I will now never be able to come back from.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Still doing my part to get Neil Diamond love songs stuck inside your head.

So I know it's been, like, 17 whole days since I've posted. There's this curious point that I get to with some people...where, so much stuff has happened but it's so much stuff that you sometimes don't even bother to tell that person about it? That's what we're going to do here. I'll give you the highlights, and then we can move on from there. Like nothing ever happened. Like I never left you. Like you never had to wait around for me to miss you enough to come back. Like I never had to say "I'm sorry". Which, actually, I never had to, because I'm not. You should just be happy for me that I have a life that is so amazing and exciting that I don't even have time for silly little video posts, instead of giving me this big huge guilt trip where you're all "where were you?" and "who were you with?" and "what were you doing?" and "why don't you ever bring me any thing good like flowers or candy or a baby?"
Anyway -

1. Autumn, aka Dirty Bird Noble, got married three weekends ago. The wedding was down in Okoboji, IA, where I used to live back in the early days of my college-dropout years. The weekend was amazing, I got to wear another brown-colored bridesmaid dress (I'm pretty certain it's just because everyone who's close to me knows how great I look in brown and realizes that it's paramount that I look good at their wedding), Autumn only pulled out the "It's my special day" card on me once (I totally deserved it, though), and a certain gentleman and I gave an old couple a run for their money when it came time to polka at the wedding dance. Yeah. We were that good.

Pictures may or may not be posted soon. (I can't make any promises. It took me 17 days just to post about the freaking wedding.)


3. I still haven't seen Dark Knight. And I really don't want to talk about it, because apparently no one in the entire universe cares enough to invite me to go with them to the blockbuster hit of the summer. You might remember that this also happened last summer with Transformers, which I was the MOST EXCITED OUT OF ANYONE to go see, PROVEN by the myriad of blog posts I wrote about it MONTHS BEFORE IT EVEN CAME OUT. But it's cool. I think you guys should just make a habit out of this stuff: "Oh, remember how much Amber wanted to see that movie and couldn't stop talking about it? We should go as soon as it comes out and forget to invite her with, and then talk about it for weeks when she's around. That'll make her feel really awesome, I bet." And it's not like I'm opposed to inviting someone else to go with me or to even go by myself, but now that everyone else has seen it without me, now it's become a stubborn point. I'm not going to go see it now. Wanna know why? Because it will only make me bitter, that's why. Going will only remind me that everyone else went to Dark Knight without me, and then I'll start thinking about Transformers again, and then I won't even enjoy the movie like the way I would have if my friends would have taken me with them. And now I can use this bitter disappointment in ways that are convienent and amusing to me, but annoying and irritating to you. Because now I can be that person...the one person who, when you're just about to say something about Dark Knight and you ask out of reflex if everyone's seen it, I'm going to be the one person in the crowd who loudly responds with, "Nope. No, I haven't seen it yet. Nope, sorry, guess you'll have to wait to tell that story until after I leave."

4. I went to the Renaissance Festival last Sunday. You know how, when other kids were little they dreamed of running away and joining the circus? I dreamed of running away and joining the Renaissance Festival. Howeva, I haven't been since I was six. And in my memories, I remember a magical world of fairies and knights and princesses and a parade with a big fat redheaded guy who kinda looked like Henry the 8th and he was eating a huge turkey leg and spitting beer out at the crowd, so of course I was psyched to go back.

'Twas fun. I recommend staying until around 5, when most food booths are doing 2-4-1's on the food. I also recommend not getting your hopes up for the quality of belly-dancing or acting to be had at the gypsy hollow thing. Also, there is a rumor that orgies are goin' down after the fest closes for the night. I'm 93% sure this does actually happen, as I can't imagine another place in the entire world where RenFest type geeks could possibly come into contact with anyone else who remotely understands them.

5. I also went to the State Fair on Sunday. A couple of highlights that I need to share: 1. The chocolate-covered bacon at the Famous Dave's booth is pretty freaking amazing. 2. You HAVE to check out the crop art in the agricultural building. Both hilarious and mind-blowing. 3. Wanna make out? Go on the Ye Olde Mill ride. Seriously. It's an entire ride built solely to provide a private make-out point for horned-up couples. John and I had a horrible time on it. 4. The "Elvis" - a grilled peanut butter and banana sammich with powdered sugar on top - is also pretty freaking amazing. 5. The Fine Arts exhibit is pretty rad. Be prepared for a pretentious dick alert or two while taking it all in, though. Why is it that some of the most ardent "art-lovers" are also huge dicks? Shouldn't being all artistic-like and soulful and starving make you more compassionate and open-minded to others? One of the great mysteries of the ages, my friends. 6. The JFK memorabilia exhibit was also pretty cool, even for people who aren't really huge JFK buffs.

And that's it. You don't get to know the rest, because you're never there for me when I want someone to make me a sammich or bring me some coffee or change my engine oil. Maybe start doing more stuff for me and then you'll get to know the good details of my life and stuff. That's how real relationships work. Donahue gets it. I don't see why you don't.

Friday, August 08, 2008

I leave you with this. Because I love you. But not that much to post everyday while I'm out of town for a wedding.

Still one of my all-time favorite commercials EVAH. John also does an amazing dance routine to this song (Chelsea and Meredith, you know what I'm talkin' about...):

When I watch this one, no matter how many times I've seen it, I cackle. CACKLE!

And of course, we can't have a post about commercials without this one. BECAUSE I LOVES IT, THAT'S WHY.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Maybe not the best way to get my point across...

Anonymous guy, at bar, after realizing that he knows of and reads Da Blog:

Him: "You seem like a really angry person."
Me: "Oh yeah? Well you seem like a dickwad."


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