In which mouth-breathing is mistaken for the act of thinking...

I haven't been watching The Hills much lately. I know that this shocks and dismays you, but I'm sorry...my relationship to Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill is just more important right now. And I just don't know if I can stomach one more instance of Lauren's big doe eyes widening as she asks, "I just don't know how a friend could do that to me." Get the net, Lauren...you don't have any real friends. And when you make some, and other people tell you that maybe the person you're becoming friends with might be a little shady, I think it's time you believed them. After fifty million seasons of your show and countless rides on the "I thought she was my friend and she betrayed me" Drama Llama, maybe it's time to catch onto the fact that you might not be the world's best judge of character.

But enough of Lauren. Lo's a total bitch, but I don't wanna talk about her, either. And I don't even really want to talk about space-case Audrina, either, but then Perez brought her up today and I had to post about it. Because, well...because I've known since the first season that Audrina wants to get into acting, and these were, in all complete and total honesty, my exact thoughts about this future aspiration, too -

"Beyond (reality) television, Audrina aspires to get into acting. Like, with a script.

Like a script with a plot. Like a movie. Where she plays a character, not herself."

My family really likes to plan life-defining events on the same weekend as the Zombie Pub Crawl. We'll see if I decide I love them more than zombies.

The Zombie Pub Crawl IV: Spawn of Death will be taking to the streets on Saturday, October 18th. The crawl will begin at Seven Corners, end at the The Cabooze, and, according to the ZPC, here are some highlights to look for:

• All ages zombie party
• Zomb-e-oke (Karaoke for the undead.)
• Artwork by Dwitt
• Music
• Mayhem
• Human Flesh

You can check out their website, complete with details, makeup tips, zombie-educational video clips, and media from the past crawls here. There's also a Facebook page to be found here.

Image is courtesy of Busted Tees (link on the index to the right)

Proof positive that porn really can be art. Really, really, really ironic art.

"Artist Jonathan Yeo created the above portrait of Paris Hilton using nothing but old porn magazines. He's currently exhibiting the work at a London art gallery along with a portrait of George W. Bush using the same medium. This Yeo fellow clearly has a knack for knowing when not to waste paint."

[From]

For someone who makes a point of not posting about politics, I sure have been linking to a lot of other peoples' posts about politics.

But, I guess that's cool. I like it when other people do my work for me.

[From]

I wanna work out tonight, but I think I sprained my elbow or something. Is that possible? There's muscles around your elbow, right? RIGHT?!

It's like this blog constantly starts off an international internet firestorm. But you knew that.

Lookey what made the A-List Searches on MSN.com today: Breast-Feeding Dustups.

The article includes links to a story about what happens when H&M and breastfeeding collide; one Swiss chef's epic quest to use local breast milk in his culinary cuisine; and, my personal favorite, the saga of PETA urging Ben & Jerry's to use breast milk instead of cow's milk in their ice cream. (for your reading amusement, the letter in question is even included in the article).

I'd be cool with that. I've tasted breast milk before, it's not that bad. It tastes a lot more like soy milk than one would imagine.

If anyone would like a New Kids On The Block ticket to their MPLS concert on Oct. 21...

Let me know.

As rumor has it, it's a really good seat.

God damn it, Gossip Girl. Why are you so good? Why can I never say no to you? I love you, Gossip Girl. I really, really do.

This is cool...

Found this on Colin Kloeker's site and on the Creative Review blog...

Stan’s Cafe theatre company has created Of All the People in All the World, a touring exhibition where grains of rice are used to replicate a different population. Together the single grains, hills, and mountains of rice tell - with the sheer force of their number or lack of it - the stories of our world, past and present.

You can also check out the Flickr set of the project here.

NOMI

Last night WCCO covered a story about the NOMI's Home Buyers Tour that took place this weekend. The next tour will take place on October 26th. The goal of the tours is to showcase homes as a way to rejuvenate the Minneapolis' Northside, an area that has been hit hard by the recent home foreclosure panic.

This girl right here lives in North...it gets a bad rap (mostly from people who don't even dwell here, I might add) but it can be a pretty great place to live. Show your inclination for believing me here.



A flood of home foreclosures has hit hard in Minneapolis' Northside

Weekend Video Treats: Gov. Palin and Katie Couric get real and adorable.

For serious.

Via Ang

There's something you should know about the new Nicolas Sparks movie. But I'm not going to be the one to tell you.

Listening To: Stepping Stone by Duffy

What's your motto? Do you have one? One that comes easily to mind, I mean?

I'm filling out this book that asks a number of..."soul-searching" questions. And I'll be honest: I could think of a number of witty and self-deprecating mottos to fill in the blank with, but I want my answer to be thoughtful and defining. So it got me thinking...do others carry their mottos around with them? Is it easy for you to come up with a phrase that defines your thinking or being? I tried out the six-word memoir a while back, and it was unbelievably difficult...a welcome challenge, but unbelievably difficult.

So I'm going to put some thought into this whole motto business, but in the meantime, I'm curious about everyone else's. What's yours? How did you come up with it?

Weekend Video Treats: If only my grandma lived Florida instead of Twin Valley, MN

Sarah Silverman gets political, and calls Jewish grandchildren to arms. I live with Jews, so it's okay for me to act as if this personally relates to me.


The Great Schlep from The Great Schlep on Vimeo.



(The rad Chels is responsible for alerting me to this Weekend Video Treat.)

Mutual Design Playground

My friend and artist extraordinare Jesse alerted me to the site Mutual Design Playground, a site for designers, illustrators, and artists in general. All are free to join and contribute, and so far there's been some fairly radical submissions.

Weekend Video Treats: Dan Savage wants to be Sarah Palin's gay best friend.

Secretsssss...

PostSecret, Frank Warren's revolutionary community art project, will coming to the Minneapolis Central Library from Oct. 4 - Nov. 30. Details on the traveling exhibition can be found here.

It's FALL!

Pumpkins
Dark jeans and boots
Crimson leaves
Hooded sweatshirts
Bonfires
Apple Cider
Books
Autumn-themed scented candles
Scarves
New music
Pumpkin Spice Lattes
Creepy movies
New goals
Puffy vests
NaNoWriMo
Chili and biscuits (made by other people)
Apple orchards
Hay rides
Haunted houses
Oktoberfest
Zombie Pub Crawl
Costumes
Halloween candy
Football games

This is my list. What's yours? Oh my god...I'm actually asking you how you feel about stuff and to share it here! It's like our relationship has just been taken to a whole new level.


Photo courtesy of me. I made it yesterday at work.

And just in time for Daniel and Autumn's birthdays!

My friend Sasquatch is having an auction.



If he's not really real, then how come he knows about eBay? HUH?! HOW COME?

Someone build this for me.

The most amazing geek library in the history of our existence. One day, when humans 5,000 years from now find the artifacts from this place, they're gonna think we were all really smart and into some pretty cool shit. But nope...It was just this guy.



Via MNspeak




Photo courtesy of Wired

It would be like wearing Jason's heart on my sleeve, only on my FOOT. Which is cooler, and also less creepy...kinda.

If some people were really my friends, they would have told me about this right away. But no. They had to keep it from me, not even thinking of the delight I might experience from this invention or even the mere mention of it (since it keeps getting rejected by Zazzle. Why Zazzle? First Slayer, and now DeRusha?!...Are you really God in disguise, Zazzle?).

But that's cool. When I develop a cure for cancer and you're dying from the pancreatic kind, I won't tell you about it for a couple of weeks, either.

This post is about breasts.

Lactating ones.

I read a post today about the Jami Lynn Spears scandal involving her and pics of her breast-feeding that her dumb boyfriend took and then had processed at Wal-Mart (DUR). In this post, the author mentions the fact that she's uncomfortable seeing women breast-feed in public, and had issues with a woman she sighted recently who was shopping in Bloomingdales with a baby sucking away at her breast.

Imagine, if you will, being in the fifth grade and at the mall with your mom and baby brother. Then think of how you might feel if your mom sits down at a bench in the middle of this Red Wing Mall, tucks your baby brothers' face under her shirt, and proceeds to breastfeed him. Right there. In front of everyone. Maybe even in front of people you know.

And you know what? I wasn't embarrassed. Not of her...I was mostly embarrassed by the people who walked by and acted like they had a problem with it. What is the big deal?! Breasts, by function, are not designed to be sex organs...they are designed to manufacture and deliver food to our newly born. "My newly born is hungry. I had to make an unplanned stop at the mall, oh crap, I don't have a bottle of breast milk with me. Oh I know, I'll just deprive my ravenous newborn baby so that you don't feel uncomfortable. "

It wasn't that long ago that women weren't even supposed to go out in public if they were pregnant, and I think many will agree how ridiculous that sounds and how grateful we are that those cultural norms no longer exist. And the thing that gets me riled up about this is that it's similar to the menstruation issue...no one is supposed to talk about having their periods and if they do, they better make a self-deprecating and mocking joke about it because it's not like almost every woman in the world has one.

And don't even get me started on that new stupid fucking Burger King commercial.

And I know what someone will say: "Why can't they just go into a restroom?" Why should they have to? You plaster magazines, films, and websites with our bare breasts, but we can't actually choose to bare our own organs for their original purpose when we're in a park somewhere? Men pee in alleys and on the side of roads all the time. It's considered at least somewhat socially acceptable, and no one's tapping them on the shoulder or writing editorials about how they should use a bathroom or wait until they're home to spare the rest of us the shame of their choice. And let's get one thing straight...men peeing in alleyways or roadsides benefits no one, no matter how beautifully they write your name in the snow for you.

Why do women still have to hide their basic bodily life-giving functions? Why is it still okay to make women feel ashamed for having them? And the worst thing is, it's often other women who are the worst at judging other women for their personal choices: For staying home with their children, for going back into the workforce...for breastfeeding in public, for not breastfeeding at all. Why can't we just celebrate the fact that all of us have choices now?

Because if you don't like Chuck Palahniuk, then the terrorists win.

Choke, a film based on the novel by Chuck Palahniuk, comes out on Friday.

I know all you coolies out there already saw it during the advance screening this summer, but whatevs. Some of us had stuff to do that night.

'Tis a little preview:

Peace Coffee's 1st Commemorative Poster

Created by local favorite Adam Thurman

You can get one here.

Things I read yesterday.

In an attempt to deftly edit a post where I link to Jesse Draxler, I Googled his name to pull up his site(s). I then noticed that this lovely little blog right here came up as the fourth result...even better, here's the quote that has been cached for all the Google world to see:

"wow. i didn't know you put this up. much appreciated. lets have fun soon...maybe john can even pretend hump you in my kitchen again."

In the book, "Ways I Make My Mom Proud" by Amber L. Carter, this would be Entry #112.

Like you really have anything better to do.

[Jesse Draxler]

We like poses.

This weekend I hung out with The Old Skool Crew (we spell it like that because we went to Red Wing High, one of teh bets skools in Minnsota) and, as we invariably do, we posed for some pictures. To give you a taste of the history and evolution of our posing strategies, let me take you back. Way back. Back into time...

And now for the magical present:

God damn it. I love my friends.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAN!!!! (I know this picture is old, but it's still my all-time favorite of us)

You are my baby brother
and that's no lie
You're pretty lucky
to have a sister so fly

When you were born I was super pumped
Plus Growing Pains was on that night
So the homecoming football game was easily dumped
Kris still went, though.
Just thought I would mention that again.

Then you were a baby and I hated you
You cried a lot, which was annoying, yo.
But then you grew up
and I did, too.
Now I like you very very very much
The most, even.
Though I'm really bad with keeping in touch.
Sorry, bro.

In high school you were popular and stuff
which was weird because you never talk
Guess people just like the way you stand around and stuff
And the way, with your costumes, Dolly Parton you would mock.

You're popular with me, too.
Dan is #1!
I would yell that when I would drive you through town.
Remember?
But instead of smile, that would make you frown.
Guess we know who's funnier!
(The answer is me)

Now you're in college
and I'm kinda sad
My little baby brother is all growed up
and college chicks can be bad
Wear a condom.
And don't take home the one who's dancing on the table.
She's bad news.

So here's to your birthday, Dan
You are the best.
You're my favorite little brother
Congratulations!
You passed the test.
Woot woot woot
woot
woot woot
woot!

Some other stuff I read the other day.

I don't know why I love Jim Anchower so much. Secretly, just between you and me, I think it's because it reminds me of an old boyfriend I had once, back when I was young and impressionable. It was like dating a guy from Detroit Rock City: You know you shouldn't. You know one day, and soon, you're going to look back and groan from your bad decision-making. However, you also know that once you get over that initial regret, you're going to look back one day and realize how far you've come, and you can't buy that kind of affirmation at the corner store. Plus guys like that will make out anywhere, any time of day. And they're grateful for it. Sometimes, that's pretty much all you need for the approx. three months before the smell of engine oil and the taste of Old Milwalkee gets to be a drag.

And so, welcome to my past.

Weekend Video Treats: The Pity Card

This is a little longer video treat than I usually post, but it's got Zach Galifianakis in it. So there you go.

Tonight's Deep Thought by Amber L. Carter.

There's something I really hate about back-up dancers trying to act like zombies. It seriously grosses me out.

(For example:)

I have many complex emotions to work through.

I'm busy this weekend. So, I'm just going to link to some stuff other people wrote and call it good.

Smoove is waiting.

Weekend Video Treats: Teaser Trailer for "Twilight"

So, after about two years of staring at it in the Young Adult section of Barnes & Noble and telling myself that it could wait until I finished the 50 other books I have waiting on my nightstand, I finally got around to reading "Twilight" by Stephanie Meyer. It's one of those books you know you're going to love, and when you finally pick it up (and carry it with you everywhere, even reading it while you're pacing around your kitchen, making coffee) you wonder what the eff took you so long.

And apparently I'm not alone: When I called the Minneapolis Public Library earlier this week to see if they had it, the gentleman at the front desk informed me that there was a 400 person waiting list for the 111 copies the library had in its entire system. "It's a very popular book," he said. "Yeah, I think I'm might just go and buy it, maybe..." was my reply.

Insofacto (my new word, KEVIN, which I purposefully wrote this way and means "in fact" and IT'S MY NEW WORD SO YOU CAN'T CORRECT ME ON ITS USAGE OR MEANING BECAUSE IT'S MY NEW WORD), the movie is due out in December. It looks fuckin killer, too: It stars the rad Kristin Stewart (awesome in In the Land of Women), and seriously...maybe get a less hot lead actor so I don't feel like a 29 yr-old perv lusting after a character who's supposed to be 17 (...times a hundred years, but whatevs).

Check it -

So that all of your dreams can finally come true...

Sarah Palin now has her very own action figure!

Also available: Beach Blanket Obama, John McCain "CandyDate", and Sen. Larry "I'm Not Gay"Craig (he talks!).

Another unfortunate graphic design.

I think I will title my new novel, "A Book About Feelings". People love to read shit like that.

Just got the first e-mail of the season about this year's NaNoWriMo! The site will be "locked on Sunday (9/21) for scrubbing" and will relaunch on Oct. 1st. It also happens to be the 10th Anniversary Year for this crazy writing institution. I'm so freaking excited I can hardly wait...I've even started training for it, because I'm a gigantic nerd-o and we do things like train for a National Novel Writing Month.

Like you're super cool.

Let me break it down for you, homies: There are 30 days in November. And in order to be a NaNoWriMo "winner", you must have written 50,000 words or more between Nov. 1st and Nov. 30th, correct? So, in geek terms, that means I need to write 1,666.6666 (or 1,667, if that many sixes bothers some of you) words a day in order to fill that requirement. I don't know if you've ever tried to write that many words in one day on just one subject/topic/story and then keep doing it for 30 days straight, but that shit ain't easy. And I have a life. And a blog. And some friends. Also, a job. Sometimes, hobbies. Occasionally, errands.

But enough about my amazing life...so. I've been practicing. I'm also preparing the blog for what may be a month-long absence in November. And also, friends and family. I'm probably not going to be around a lot. What I mean is, I'm probably not going to be around a lot to entertain you, or ask you about your day, or be available to watch 90210 with you and stuff (I'll totally make time for Gossip Girl, tho'). However, if you would like to be around a lot to, you know...bring me coffee, tell me how great I am, rub my shoulders when they're sore from the stress of creating a masterpiece, cook me dinner, pull me away for a much-needed Writing Break Beer or Make Out, I mean...that could be okay, I think. As long as it doesn't interfere with my writing, I mean. And feel free to lend me your moral support by buying me this. Or this. Or this.

Not that you have to buy me stuff to show me that you care. It helps, though. A LOT.

I love Lil' Wayne. That really has nothing to do with this post, but I just felt like sharing it.

(Karah's Twitter feed alerted me to this.)

I already loved the Cho, but this post makes me love her even more. The only point I would add to her fantastic, well-placed, and timely remarks is the one about people who "hate" Christians for being "judgmental" but then try to constantly call them out for something as stupid as swearing or using God's name in vain. I know it's hard to resign yourself to the fact that you don't get to decide who's a Christian or who's not (strangely, that position has been filled already. By God.), but them's the breaks.

And me thinks "God bless you, you fucking fucker" would make The Raddest bumper sticker.

Mine is Rock Crane Palin.

If Sarah Palin was my real mommy - and sometimes, a girl is allowed to dream! - she would have named me Rock Crane Palin.

How do I know? Because the name generator tells me so.

(Thanks, Snooker Hinge and Taupe Armageddon Palin, for the hit-up)

It's WAKE 'N' BACON!!!

Chele sent me a link to this. You might have seen this before, but I haven't, so shut your mouth and pretend like it's the first time for both of us.

And just in time for Halloween!

From Jill Greenberg

I once dated a guy whose nickname was "Birdwatcher". Take from that what you will.

My best friend Katy sent me this last week in her quest to keep me updated on what was goin' down on da streets during the RNC (she works in downtown St. Paul, which was a good thing when we thought we were going to get to stalk Jon Stewart but turned into a bad thing when we realized the RNC was really gonna suck). She writes:

"The RNC has really expanded my global awareness of social issues. This is the best handout I've received yet!"

If I had known about this earlier, I would have paid more attention to that "For the Birds" show that I used to have to listen to when I was a DJ for public radio. I bet my listeners knew, though...

StopBirdPorn.org

Weekend Video Treats: SNL, Gov. Palin and Senator Clinton address the nation.

If you haven't seen this yet, you really do have to watch it. I'm not posting it because of Palin and Clinton, per say...but more because of the two female comedy powerhouses playing them.

My life is exciting.

So today, after an excellent and lovely day with my #1 lady friend Katykins, I came home to find a letter waiting for me.


"NOTICE OF CRIMINAL CHECK FRAUD RECOMMENDATION

CHECK PROCESSING BUREAU
LEGAL SERVICES
130 Church Street Suite 276
New York, NY 10007
1-888-238-3290

Dear Amber Carter:

Criminal check fraud charges are being formally recommended as a result of your issuance of fraudulent check(s) in the state of Iowa.

We are required by law to advise you of this action. A copy of this notice shall be forwarded to our local Prosecutor/District Attorney and become part of your permanent record. This record will be made available to you and your attorney prior to commencement of criminal proceedings.

State law requires service of such notice....this process will being upon receipt of your signed acknowledgment. Check fraud is a felony in the State of Iowa.

If you have already been contacted by local law enforcement officials, please do not call this office.

Sincerely,
Doug Lewis (Extension 104)
CHECK PROCESSING BUREAU
LEGAL SERVICES
1-888-238-3290"

The check that it listed was a check for Midas. I haven't written a check for a Midas existing in Iowa for SEVEN YEARS. How do I know? Because that's when my car broke down in Iowa when coming back on a church trip, and I had to write a check to Midas for a catalytic converter. Yeah. That tapping sound you're hearing is me, tapping my head as a reference to my amazing memory.

So. I mean, I'm not perfect...I've bounced a check before. But to get a letter about a check I apparently bounced SEVEN YEARS ago and the first I hear about it references criminal charges?! I whigged out for about a minute, and then, as I usually do when I'm facing a crisis, I got on the horn to try to figure out what, if any, recourse I had.

As it turns out, thanks to my excellent internet sleuthing skills, the LETTER is a fraud. Apparently this is the new form of those "Your long-lost relative in Africa left you a million dollars, please send me money so I can be a nice lawyer friend and help you collect it" scam letters that were all the rage a handful of years ago.

Besides being pissed off about the two heart-attack-inducing stressful hours of my life that I lost because of this and can never get back again, I am relieved. I am also posting this because the letter ends with a perforated bill-like form (an blank business envelope is also included) with which you can apparently send your "bounced check amount" to the bureau. I assume most people would do that just to make this all go away, just in case it's real (esp. since, apparently, the "fraudulent check" amount is usually only for a few hundred dollars).

And so. Because I was initially dumb and freaked, and then regained my original and ever-lasting brilliant senses, hopefully I can save you and your grandma some time and energy if you get a letter such as this.

This blog does good. Say it.



Edit: Jason, if you would like to do a story about me and how smart I am for uncovering the truth about this scam through a simple Google search as well as performed a Good Samaritan act in alerting the public by posting about my personal crisis and subsequent proof of my brilliance on my blog in order to gain more readership and therefore lucrative sponsorship, I accept.

Weekend Video Treats: Charlie Bartlett gets his period.

Last weekend Katykins and I watched the movie Charlie Bartlett, and while the majority of the movie was excellent (esp. since it had, like, 50 actors from Degrassi: The Next Generation in it), this is the scene that was the most bacon ("bacon" is my new slang-term for something that's really super swell. Like, instead of saying "that movie was tits" or "that car is money", I would say, "That joint is bacon". Yes, sometimes it is exhausting to be a trendsetter, but I do it for you. And for me, mostly.)

Weekend Video Treats: For Slawson. And, I guess it's okay if everyone else watches it, too.

Cover of Ayo Technology by Belgian artist Milow.

Milow - Ayo Technology (Music Video)

Weekend Video Treats: Because anything with "Boogie" in the title is a sure-shot to hilario city.

Max is responsible for this. Why? Because he's a man who knows good dancing when he sees it.

All bacon, all the time.

I was cleaning out my inbox the other night, and I came across some old e-mails I hadn't done anything with yet. One of them included a delicious link that Maxy sent me. It involves bacon. Feel free to make these and then invite me over to eat them for you.

Also from Max: Bacon Lollipops!

And, the most amazing undergarment eva created. (A-gain from Max. He's good with the links about bacon, no?)

It's like...like...fairy princess porn...I can't tear my eyes away...

From Ebe's Art Gallery (alert courtesy of Jeremy)

Must watch: Gus Van Sant's Milk Trailer

Pretty freaking fantastic.

Voting is the American Way. Even if it's for stuff like photo caption contests on blogs and stuff.

Jeremy over at Afterglide is having a photo caption contest. So go over there and fucking vote. I think we all know by now that if we all don't do our part and throw in our buck o'five on photo caption contests, the terrorists win. Freedom isn't free.



Oh, yeah, and Jeremy's a good friend of mine, too, by the way.

Being well-connected is hard sometimes. Just kidding. It's really not. Ever.

Listening To: You Don't Know Me (featuring Regina Spektor) by Ben Folds
Photo courtesy of Max Sparber

I actually got to watch this Good Question segment when it aired (look at me! I was at home watching TV! Even when I don't do it for months, I still catch the hip and rad segments that all those other losers miss. Stick with me, guys...this blog'll take you places.) and was rolling when I watched this campaign video about DeRusha, so I'm glad he decided to isolate it and link it up so I can show it to all of you.

But mainly, I'm really only linking to it because I would like to pound home, once again, that Jason and I know each other. We've exchanged e-mails on occasion. Sometimes we even get invited to each others' parties. I have pictures of him that I didn't have to steal or copy from anyone else. I just want to make sure you guys know this and get the full gist of what an important and well-connected person I am, so that I don't have to do the whole thing where I post pictures of myself with semi-celebrities on the blog for absolutely no valid reason, Twitter-name-drop, make sure that everyone gets the mini-feed that me and so-and-so are now friends on Facebook, etc. Let's just get all of this out on the table so that we can save each other a lot of time. I mean, I know it's super cool and fascinating that I'm friends with so many amazing people, and I know that you might think that I get a big head about it and everything...but really, I only get a big head about it when I talk about it on here, to you guys. I just want to make sure that you know that I still keep it real, even when I'm bragging about all the awesome people I know and am semi-friends with.

And if you think I'm mocking someone with this post...you're right. Good work.

On backpacks and bears.

So this weekend I went with an unidentified male and his family to the Minnesota State Fair on Saturday and then to the Minnesota Zoo on Sunday. This summer I have been to both the Como Zoo and the Minnesota Zoo and both have been huge let-downs. I don't know necessarily what expectations I have in mind when I get pumped to go to the zoo...I think I'm secretly visualizing this non-stop, action-packed journey through amazing exhibits filled with animals who are there to entertain me and fill me with an overwhelming respect for the animal kingdom. Like fireworks, only with animals who are there against their will.

And, remember all that huge promotion surrounding the Russian bear exhibit at the Minnesota Zoo? About how they spent about a trillion dollars building these exhibits that would knock tourist socks off? BOOOORRRINNGG. There's one bear. ONE BEAR. And he's swimming, and you can see him in the water on the other side of the glass wall, but you kind of expect that he's not swimming and playing because he's a sweet and fun-hearted bear...it's because he's trying to find a way to break that glass wall so he can eat the thousands of screaming kids that are pressing their faces up against the glass and yelling at him to do a trick.

I mean, don't get me wrong...I had a great time that day. I got a really creepy picture of John's brother Nick engaging in the Meerkat exhibit -

and I also got to contribute this to Overheard. So I guess what I'm trying to say is...the bears can't let me down. I let me down. And I'm pretty sure you'll agree that I came through for myself in every way this time.

Stick that in your back pocket, BEARS.

Reports and commentary from the frontlines of the RNC protest ridonkulous-ness.

This is why I loves me some Ang.

Aaron's our renegade scenester. Sometimes that comes in handy.

I hate myself a little every time I order pizza. But...

...since no one as of yet has offered to come over to my house and make me dinner for the rest of my life, a girl's gotta just forgive herself and move on with her stuffed-crust chicken supreme.

I'm all about self-love.