If you're moving to MPLS and looking for an "authentic neighborhood", you should probably just go get fucked.

This statement was made last night while at Anchor Fish & Chips with a one James Larkin. First, we were discussing the various reviews we had read concerning Anchor, and I was making fun of one I had recently read that went like this -

"Picture this: a fresh fillet of flakey cod dunked in an airy batter and deep fried to a perfect, bubbly, golden brown crisp. Then picture this: bluntly cut slabs of gloriously greasy fried potatoes doused in such delights as malt vinegar, curry sauce or a thick, savory gravy..."

So the fries are good then, right? That's what you're trying to tell me?

And then we got to talking about Northeast (since that's where Anchor is located). I like Northeast. My favorite part about it is the very fact that most of the bars there remind me of the bars in my former home of Wisconsin - comfortable, fun, easy (some are fond of calling them "townie" or "dive" bars, as if they are deigning to grace the establishments with their presence, which is exactly why I will often refuse to call any bar by that name. It just sounds incredibly snotty). However, for the past four years, I've run across a particular internet persona - usually named "Northeaster" - who loooves to comment on any article about neighborhood development with the same disdainful pretension. They obviously live in Northeast (I don't know if you got that from their screen name) and are fond of reminding everyone to death that Northeast is really the only "authentic neighborhood" left in Minneapolis, and all the other neighborhoods are just "consumer Disneylands who are fooling themselves if they think they have any personality or authenticity."

And that was what my statement was in response to. I am glad that this person is proud of their neighborhood. However, I don't understand what their baseline is when it comes to an "authentic neighborhood." Old houses? Check. The ability to walk to the grocery store? Check. Knowing your neighbors? Reluctant check (I know my neighbors, but mostly because the wife is crazy and the husband is kind of a peeping tom). Accessibility to drinking establishments and entertainment? Check check. Pretty sure that almost every neighborhood in Minneapolis, with the exception of some neighborhoods in North, could check off this list. And all of this is besides the point. I don't know you guys have noticed this, but Minneapolis is a city. Thus, I don't really understand the people who move here and expect that their neighborhoods take on the look and shape of a small town. You don't want to move to a small town because then you would lose all the other things that you find so convenient about a city, but yet you want to take advantage of all that a city has to offer and whine and bitch about how there are almost "no authentic neighborhoods" here. You are also quite possibly the same person who swirls your wine and entertains your dinner companions with stories on how your mechanic is the "salt of the earth" because what he does is "honest work with his hands" and how you know that cargo pants look "great with stilettos and a silky top", but there are people out there who actually wear them when they work "out in the fields" (these are actual quotes, by the way. I am not making that shit up) and people like that don't really know anything about fashion and art and architecture, and yet they're happy.

And that, my friends, is when I stand up from my chair, place my napkin delicately upon my seat, stroll over, and punch you in the face.