Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Sometimes I just get annoyed by stuff.
I'm kind of mystified by all this outrage over KFC's new Double Down Sandwich. "Rolling out this sandwich is exactly like selling heroin to kids," says Andrew Zimmern (according to an Emily Says So blogging post. I didn't actually read the linked article, mainly because Andrew - well, not really Andrew, but just food people in general - bug me).
Get this - it's a sandwich. And the only reason why it's different from any other sandwich is that, instead of using two pieces of sugar-loaded, nutrition-bare pieces of white bun, it uses two deep-fried pieces of chicken. The audacity! How DARE KFC use revolutionary tactics like using more chicken in their meals to induce the rage of the American public. I mean, it's not like chicken is their premier money-making product or anything.
And let's break it down even further - the thing is basically like a chicken strip basket, only with some bacon and cheese and gross sauce. I don't see Andrew Zimmern going up to kids and smacking their chicken strip baskets away from them, yelling, "Heroin! Oh my god, it's exactly like HEROIN!" And he wouldn't, would he. Because that would make him look hysterical and ridiculous.
It's just that things like this are exactly why I hate people. People who love standing around on sidewalks, holding their bikes and pushing up their ironic 80's eyeglasses and talking about this shit..."Oh my god, did you hear about that new Double Down sandwich? Just what America needs, another fast-food sandwich to make them fat so they can go drive around in their earth-killing cars and live empty lives in their McMansions." (direct quote, btw). Yeah, it is what America needs. Wanna know why? Because for one, small, tiny moment it makes them happy and helps them forget that they have to share a country with pretentious, annoying, and preachy windbags.
I'm gonna eat a Double Down Sandwich every single day, I think. I'm going to stand on a street corner and eat one, and then throw up the wrapper like Mary Tyler Moore and yell something about being free from the tyranny of food jerks. I'm gonna drive in my car with the top down and eat it when I'm at the stoplight and then toss half of it at a passing biker. I'm gonna take one to the new documentary at Lagoon and eat it in the theater and then when a homeless-looking couple scowls at me I'm gonna yell out, "YEAH, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THAT NEW DOUBLE DOWN SANDWICH? IT'S PRETTY GOOD, YOU WANT SOME? NO? OKAY. I'LL JUST KEEP EATING THIS, THEN."
And then I'm gonna work out a lot, because even though I would want to prove a point, that fried chicken stuff is f-a-t-t-y.