Monday, March 29, 2010

"For all those who are fascinated by the bewitchment of the infinitely small, there wait in the bosom of the living being millions of palpitating cells which, for the surrender of their secret, and with it the halo of fame, demand only a clear and persistent intelligence to contemplate, admire, and understand them." - Santiago Ramon y Cajal (1852-1934)

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Let's talk about something super boring, like health.

So tomorrow I am starting at two-week detox. The details are super boring, so I won't share them with you, but basically it's no sugar or alcohol for two weeks.

Here's the scoop, G-thangs: Sugar. I love it, my friends. I love it so much. It's probably the only digestible substance that I actually crave, and it's the only thing that's caused me to suffer through withdrawal when I didn't have a regular dose of it. There were days when I was in elementary school when I would come home from school and literally pour an entire small plastic container of Kool-aid mix into my mouth. Or I would rub it on my gums and pretend it was cocaine (I watched a lot of inappropriate TV when I was younger, mainly because I was a latchkey kid who didn't have any friends), which, for me, it practically was. And now what do I do? Um, drink White Chocolate Mochas from Starbucks, which is practically the same thing. Which I'm lovingly drinking right now, because I felt we needed to spend some time together today before I put it on an airplane to You're Not A Regular Part of My Life Anymore.

And guess why this love of sugar is bad? Oh, because diabetes totally runs in my family. It's as common as dark hair in this clan. So tonight I will be saying goodbye to all of my favorite sugar friends - wine, chocolate, etc - before I try this new thing tomorrow called Being More Healthy. It's an adventure, my friends. Albeit a totally lame and boring one, but an adventure nonetheless.

And knowing how crabby I get when I go through sugar withdrawals, I apologize in advance to everyone who has to be around me during these two weeks. Also, if you are within 6 feet of me and happen to be holding anything resembling a cupcake or doughnut, your mortal life will be in grave danger. I'm totally serious, I will fucking kill you.

My recommendation to you, because everything I like makes it automatically awesome.

"I had to get a new phone because my last one decided to go for a swim in the toilet earlier this week. You should have seen me thrust my hand into the water to recover the black log that was then my incapacitated phone. Gross. The screen was shot, and no matter how much Mrs. Meyer's Clean Day I used on it, I couldn't bring myself to put it up to my ear. The next day my phone rang. With the screen broken, answering it was kind of like picking out the mystery flavor Dum-Dum sucker- you just hope it isn't pina colada. It wasn't pina colada! It was Carlos, calling from Sprint to tell me my 2-year contract was up. I was due for a new phone! Awwwseem! Lemme-lemme-upgrade from a poopy phone to one that I'm pretty sure can text, surf the web, and cook me breakfast all at the same time! New phones are sweet. See you, bye, poopy phone."

This blog is written by a former coworker of mine who just happens to be hilarious and a stand-up guy. He just started it today. You should check it out.

Monday, March 22, 2010

"It is sometimes said that scientists are unromantic, that their passion to figure out robs the world of beauty and mystery. But is it not stirring to understand how the world actually works - that white light is made of colors, that color is the way we perceive the wavelengths of light, that transparent air reflects light, that in so doing it discriminates among the waves, and that the sky is blue for the same reason that the sunset is red? It does no harm to the romance of the sunset to know a little bit about it." -- Pale Blue Dot, Carl Sagan

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Script Frenzy!!!!

So April is Script Frenzy month and I am so excited. I missed out on it last year because I was still in the trenches of trying to get my NaNoWriMo '09 book ready for proofing at the end of May. I was pretty sad about missing out - I really wanted to try the new challenge of writing a script, but I knew I wouldn't truly enjoy it if the book project was still looming in the back of my mind. And now that my book is finally done, I'm now free and clear to load even more projects on my plate that will ensure I become a social hermit and incredibly boring to be around unless all you like talking about is character motivation and plot lines. So, awesome.

I know almost nothing about writing a script, beyond the ones I read for Chasing Windmills and the amateur ones I wrote for Adult After-School Special. Which is actually one of the best parts of doing Script Frenzy - I've been meaning to learn about writing a screenplay for a long time, so this is the perfect opportunity to build some new writing muscles. And, the two screenplays I'm flip-flopping between writing for this are totally different from anything I've (seriously) written before - they're both comedies. It's going to be hard, toning down the angst, but I'm just not going to listen to Tori Amos this month and see how it pans out.

And like with NaNoWriMo, I'm also asking those who love literacy to support the amazing organization - The Office of Letters & Light - that not only puts on great events like NaNoWriMo and Script Frenzy, but also organizes free creative writing events for kids and adults in classrooms, communities, and libraries around the world. In return for your sponsorship, I'll be your best friend and send a huge shout-out to you on the blog, Twitter, and Facebook. I'm also totally open to bartering: For NaNoWriMo I exchanged a book reading (get on it, James Larkin), lunch dates, and even a dance routine for sponsorship. There's really no limit to what I will do for literacy, aside from prostitution (unless your name is Jason Segel. Then we should tawk).

You can sponsor me here. Do it!

I want everyone in the world to read this interview.

It is the most hilariously arrogant interview ever. Nicolas Sparks is so delightfully delusional that he makes even Miley Cyrus look halfway smart.

And that is one amazing feat.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

My feelings on fish tacos.

Every time someone mentions something about fish tacos, I wanna yell so bad, "FISH TACOS ARE THE TITS!" But I don't, because I'm afraid that instead of knowing that I'm quoting one of the best movies of this decade, they'll just think I'm being really vulgar.

And I know it's never really stopped me before, but that's not the point. The point is that you should just make sure that you see every movie that I see so that you can relate to every word I say.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Weekend Video Treats - I NEED TO GO TO MY QUIET PLACE!

From the movie Hot Rod (now one of my all-time favorite movies) where Andy Sandberg spoofs one of the most iconic scenes from Anodda One of My Favorite Movies, Footloose.

Monday, March 08, 2010

My thoughts on hot tubs.

So apparently the hot tub question I got on formspring was a big hit. Apparently everyone in the cities is dying to know where to find a private hot tub that can be accessed by public people.

Except for this girl.

I don't really get the whole thing with hot tubs. I have a friend who, with the mere mention of a hot tub, tilts her head back a little bit, closes her eyes, and whispers, "Oh my tuuuuub..." Here's what a hot tub means to me:

1. I have to wear a swimsuit. Around other people.

2. Everyone just sits there, drowsy-eyed, breathing heavily, and staring at each other.

3. There's always someone rubbing someone else under the water, and it never gets to be me.

Now, I know we all have different visions of what hot tubs can be like - I can still vividly picture the scene in a Harlequin romance I read once where the author poignantly described what snowflakes looked like melting on bare breasts after the brooding Colorado cowboy slowly removed the bikini top of the Aspen rich-bitch ski bunny in the hot tub they curiously found themselves in. But it's never really like that, is it? No one pulls you onto their lap in a hot tub to make sweet non-lubricated love in hot steaming water. They just sit there and drink beer from a can and complain about their sore muscles, looking at you pointedly while you try not to fall asleep because hot water makes you drowsy.

Or the other scenario, where we all get crazy and wild in the hot tub, drinking wine coolers and trying not to take our tops off because hot tubs are that awesome. Do boys sit around at camp, telling legends of The Time When Four Chicks Got Into a Hot Tub Together? And I'm not going to mock this scenario - you show me a hot tub, a crate full of Bartles & James and a crew of non-judgmental people, and I'm in. But that's, like, the mythical hot tub party. That's the Unicorn Hot Tub Party. The regular hot tub party is the one with cans of Bud Light and really boring people or people who just get really boring when they're sitting in a hot tub. It's like Quiet Time in kindergarten, but with alcohol.

But everyone wants this! I answered one question about a hot tub and I literally had ten people telling me, "Yeah, uh, if you find that hot tub, let us, um, know, alright?" Who knew that so many people in this city felt this hole in their heart, this draining in their soul because of the lack of easily accessible private hot tubs to be found in this metropolis?

And I don't know if I want to do this for you. There are so many things that I will do, for you my dear readers, but this one? I don't really know. Because you know what's going to happen, don't you? I'll find you one, and then the next day at lunch I'll hear you talking about the sweet time you had with all my other friends sneaking into the hot tub at midnight and how things got totally crazy and wild, and when I ask to reconfirm the fact that you went to a hot tub with our friends without me, you'll just glance at me and gloss over the question and continue on with your great stories. WHY DON'T I JUST HAVE A PARTY WHERE I PLAY ALL SLOW SONGS AND INVITE 20 GIRLS AND 19 GUYS AND SEE WHO'S LEFT STANDING AGAINST THE WALL WHILE MY FAVORITE BILLY OCEAN SONG COMES ON? HUH?! ANYONE OUT THERE WANT TO ME TO DO THAT, TOO???


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