Since the moment it was announced and confirmed, I have been suuuper excited about Emily Maynard's debut as The Bachelorette. Her power was first recognized when, while watching the premiere of The Bachelor: Brad's From Texas season, a male friend made us replay her saying "I'm Emily. I'm from Virginia" in her sweet southern lilt over and over (and then over) again. And then...her story! Which made us all cry. And then...the way she looked! Which made me want to hate her. But then...the way she acted and dressed and smiled! Which was sweet but not dumb, sexy but not slutty, pretty but not vapid. She was perfect. If I believed in robots, I would say that she was a Nexus 6 and should probably be retired for the good of the universe.
I just threw down not one but TWO Blade Runner references, a movie that I just watched this week but have decided to casually reference all the time so that you don't question my upbringing or the quality of my parent's child-rearing skills (because really, parents. That's the one movie that I didn't get to see as a kid? But Night of the Living Dead was cool when I was 5 and we lived across the street from the cemetery?)
So anyway. Newly-Separated-From-His-Wife Chris Harrison opens the season by announcing that this season of The Bachelorette will be very different than any other season BECAUSE THIS TIME HE'S SINGLE AND WILL FINALLY BE THE ONE TO BANG THE BACHELORETTE!
Just kidding. It's because she has a kid. Which is actually not that different, since The Bachelor: Jason Cries had a kid, too. The only thing that makes it different is that Emily didn't jump at the chance to do it and they moved the production to totally boring Charleston versus totally boring Somewhere On The Beach In California.
This Is Emily's Life. It's Probably A Lot Better Than Yours, Besides The Whole "The Love of My Life Was Killed In a Plane Crash & Then Afterwards I Found Out I Was Pregnant With His Child" Part.
As we all know, every season opens with a segment of "I'm about to embark on a journey that leads to true love." This one finds Emily wearing an unfortunate sweater and doing stuff with her daughter, Sammy or Jesse or Ricki...some little girl who has a boy's name which was also her dad's name. Who's cute. Which is a relief, right? We've all seen that really pretty mom and her ugly daughters - Demi Moore comes to mind - and it's never an arrangement where we're like, "Oh. Well good. Hopefully all those comparisons about your mother being prettier than you will drive you to do better in school." The one unexpected twist of this reliable "This is my life" season opener is that Emily sums up her story in about 3 sentences. Which is a surprise, since you'd think the producers would want to draw it out as to build sympathy from viewers who didn't watch her on Brad's season, and to also cement that whole "I've been hurt before" backdrop that seems to be crucial when we're 10 episodes in and trying to remember why the hell we're supposed care about this fickle fuck who keeps kissing everyone and but then gets rid of all the good ones (Aka, The Bachelor: Ben Doesn't Have a Dad).
But then, later, as she's talking to Chris Harrison, she mentions that she doesn't want to dwell on her story that much because she's tired of talking about it and she's moved past it. Which is refreshing. You guys remember Tenley? The dancer girl on The Bachelor: Jake Flies a Plane who used every single moment to talk about her "past" as a divorcee? Yeah.
Hey Girl, I'm Just Like That Guy You Loved Who Died
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First, we meet Kalon, a "Luxury Brand Consultant" who got his start dealing cocaine to the popular rich kids at mansion pool parties and tries to ignore you when you ask him if his mom ever told the Halibut she made love to that she named their love child "Kalon."
Then it's time to meet some athletic guy who runs with his dog, whose name I forgot when he took his shirt off.
Then we meet Tony, who has a kid. You will be surprised to know that his son is the best thing that ever happened to him. Usually guys go on TV and say, "I thought it was going to suck, this whole having a kid business, but it turned out to be alright." But not this guy! Kids are great, everybody. Emily gets it. Tony also has two thumbs and is going to end up with Emily, just in case you were wondering.
Oh my stars, it's a black person! Lerone - who is black! There is a black person on The Bachelor - is a black businessman who is also black.
And then there's David. David is a singer songwriter from New York who wears scarves. And! GET THIS - he actually writes songs about trying to find true love! He's fucked.
Charlie, you should know, was in an accident recently. I'm sure we'll hear more about this throughout the entire series. Seemed like a nice guy. But then he ended with "I may have a head injury, but there's nothing wrong with my heart!"
...And that's when I knew he had to die.
Anyway! Then there's Jef. Not "Jeff"...this guy? He doesn't conform to your bullshit standards about what names are supposed to have one "f" or two. Jef looks like a baby, and he LIKES THAT about himself. He knows that because of the way he dresses and acts, nobody takes him seriously...BUT THAT IS FINE WITH HIM, because he LIKES being underestimated, everybody. And he proves it by being the CEO of a bottled water company that sounds a lot like Ted's shoes but is about water that you can drink instead of ugly shoes you can wear. Jef also skateboards. And still looks like a baby doing it. A very rich, hip, skateboarding, non-conformist baby.
Cue in Arie, the "I'm just like the guy who died" race car driver guy, and then that's it with the "Hey, here's a look into the lives of the bachelors you may or may not get to know better later, depending on a very complex algorithm of chemistry and ratings."
Meet My Millionaires!
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There were the usual antics, like how Jackson hit his knee and told Emily that "life was not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." Surprisingly, Emily did not pick up a nearby stone and smack him across the face with it. Then Tony came in with a pillow and glass slipper. Yawn. Stevie The Dancing Elf came in with a boom box because he wanted to make Emily smile. The cameras, thankfully, did not show Emily puking into the bushes, even though we all know that's what happened. Randy did the "I brought my Grandma" gag which was actually hilarious and creative, and Travis brought an ostrich egg, though I didn't pay attention to why he did that or what Emily said about it because it was fucking dumb. Chris brought a bobblehead of himself and one of Emily, so they could act out their feelings through dolls. I don't really feel the need to add my own commentary to that.
Then the helicopter comes. I, personally, was hoping it was Lou Ferrigno, coming to tell us and Emily that he gives a hundred and ten percent and that he's more than just the Hulk, he's also a motivational speaker and a driven person who, by the way, gives a hundred and ten percent. But alas, it was Kalen The Kraken, who didn't realize that by arriving on a helicopter, he would make a sworn enemy of Stevie The Dancing Elf, who obviously has something against helicopters and luxury brands. Despite his best efforts to arrive in a helicopter, Kalen does not get the First Impression Rose, proving once again that sometimes the producers of this show are not total assholes.
And then there was Doug. Doug, according to my domestic partner, looks like a cross between Sven Svengaard and Cro Magnon. Doug also has a kid, you guys. And he REALLY wants to connect with Emily on this. So much so that, during one-on-one time, he showed Emily that he had his "kid" write her a note about how awesome "his dad" is. And won the First Impression Rose because of it, which was annoying for the fact that now we have to keep hearing about his kid.
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There's a guy, John, whose nickname is "Wolf." And yes, he's hot, even though HIS NICKNAME IS WOLF. #Top5
Jef, the baby CEO of water and charity stuff, chucked his skateboard into the bushes like a baby rebel and then strolled up to Emily, all cool and charming and confident, and suddenly he didn't look so much like a baby as the guy you have a huge crush on despite yourself. He is smooooth, this one. Before you can even blink, Emily's confessing to the camera that she hopes he doesn't think she's a nerd and that he likes her too. Oy. This game is over before it even started. #Top5
Michael, aka, Music Mike from Austin, aka Cut Your Damn Hair, is another #Top5 pick. Ryan is a Pro Sports Trainer and must have been the guy we saw earlier who took his shirt off. He's super cute. Totally Emily's type. Wrote some dumb note for Emily which was really just a ploy to flash a piece of paper that read YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL to all the girlfriends he left at home. #Top5
Arie meets Emily and Emily's like, "heeeey there" and things look good until they get some one-on-one time, when Arie decides to confide in her. He's worried that the fact that he races will bother her and drive them apart (get it? "DRIVE them apart." Hope you got that joke). Emily looks at him and is like, "Have you ever heard of The Google? Did you not do your research like the rest of the Americas?" Because if he had, he would know that Emily is a girl who likes boys who likes cars. "It's not that I'm worried that you're fast," Emily purrs, as she presses her body closer to his, her pert yet soft bosoms rising and falling faster with every beat of her heart, with each intake and release of her warm, sweet breath. "It's that I'm worried you're not fast enough." And then Arie cries out and ejaculates into his pants and the camera pans back to a group of guys talking about "the journey" again.
So then the rose ceremony begins and everyone make the cut except for singer/songwriter David, which is sad because I was kind of looking forward to referring to him as Douchebag David. Also eliminated from True Love Forevermore is this guy Brent, who has as many moles on his face as he has kids (6), marine biologist Jean-Paul, Black Lerone (two Latin guys are enough diversity, everybody. Let's not go crazy with the Equal Opportunity and force ABC reflect the outside world against its will), Grandma Guy, some guy I didn't even notice, and another guy who ends up taking his shirt off during the Camera Time of The Dumped and is like, "this is what you're missing, Emily." Or maybe the guy I didn't even notice and Dumped Chest guy are the same person. Who cares. They're/he's gone, as is their will to live and love again...
Then the preview for the season comes. There's some drams with a faceless guy insinuating that Emily has baggage because she has a kid, only someone says takes it to mean that Emily's kid *is* her baggage, and then it cuts to EMILY TELLING SOMEONE TO GET THE FUCK OUT!!! Then there's a lot of kissing and castles and beaches and Jef obviously wears skinny peach pants at some point during all of this.
Tune in next week (to the blog. This one. The one you're reading right now) and all season to get the extremely accurate and non-biased run-down on The Bachelorette: No She's Not Baby, She's Emily, Miss Maynard If You're Nasty!