Well, love lovers, last night was the last episode of this season of The Bachelorette, and with it, our very last recap of the season. What am I going to write about now?! Where am I going to get my weekly dose of unrealistic romantic settings and dramatic interactions that are more dumb than dramatic?! Huh? Where do broken hearts go? Do they find their way home?
Last night, we finally found out which man would be the one to make it with Emily
Oh, by the way - did you guys know that Emily has a daughter?
It's the last time I'll be able to make that joke, so just let me have it, mmkay?
For the MOST DRAMATIC FINALE OF THE SUMMER, we got to meet Emily's hot mom, get wise to a surprising plot twist, be subjected to a totally ugly and badly choreographed final rose ceremony, and roll our eyes through another all-important and incredibly interesting After The Final Rose show where the bachelorette and her beloved get real about how hard it's going to be to maintain a relationship now that they're no longer running around on a tropical island.
Just kidding. That's never hard to come down from.
More realism after the jump!
Well kids, last night we found Emily, Jef With One F, and Arie all still Cure-A-Spell. That island must have paid BIG TIME to have everyone stay there for not one product-placement episode, but two.
Apparently it's a rich island. Let's all move there!
Emily's family is at the island, too, which means that both Jef With One F and Arie will be auditioning/meeting them so they can judge whether one is a better match for Emily than the other. I think there is only one or two seasons in the entire history of The Bachelor franchise when the Bachelor's family actually had a straightforward opinion about which Rose Bud they felt was a better match (Andrew Firestone's family, who called it on the gold-digging Kirsten - Andrew's older brother literally took Andrew outside and told him not to marry Kirsten, and the last Bachelorette, Ashley, whose super bitchy sister said straight up that she didn't think JP was right for Ash. THANK. GOD. Ashley didn't listen to her, or she would be stuck in the is-that-a-statement-or-a-proposition talking and hair flopping nightmare that is Ben). Every other time, though, this meet-and-greet is typically an exercise in frustration. The very people who are supposed to be protecting the Bach from making a poor decision often tend to be the ones who are like, "Yeah, Courtney's so great! Go ahead and marry her, even though everyone else in America can see that you would be making the worst decision of your entire life. But we've got your back, buddy."
|Thanks for NOTHIN', Family!|
Date time with Jef! Emily and Jef meet on the beach, where they discuss Emily's confusion about whether or not to introduce the two remaining Rose Buds to her daughter. Her initial feeling was to not introduce either of them to Ricki, which was kind of like, "Really? You're still not going to open the gate on that one?"First, it's Emily's daughter and she needs to do what she thinks is best. And I am all for waiting until you know someone is going to be a big part of your life before bringing them into your child's life. I get that she didn't want to introduce both of them to Ricki just to have to say later, "Oh, remember that other guy? Yeah, you'll never see him again." But you also can't control the universe, either, and I think it's easier on kids to get to know adults without the added pressure of "This is your new daddy. Hope you guys like each other!" Jef says as much to Emily, and she decides to bring him over to meet Ricki. That day. That very afternoon. Without telling Ricki about it first.
Seems weird, right? Like you're so worried about introducing guys to Ricki because you don't want to upset her or rock her universe, but then you just bring over a strange guy without even telling her first? Huh.
This was the part of the show where my b-friend and I had a serious discussion over whether or not Ricki might be a...."special buddy." Because...well, because she runs and walks like a backwards duck, and she stares at everything with wide eyes and an open mouth, and pretty much the only sound that comes out of her mouth is a "Hunh." I mean, did anyone else not think this? Not trying to be cruel or mean at all...it just. The more we saw Ricki, the more we wondered if maybe Emily was so protective over her because she has...special gifts? But then Jef came over, and after Ricki was done doing her "Hunh" giggle at every single thing he said, then she actually started talking (using real, actual words and sentences!), and then it was like, "Oh, you're not Special. You're just a really awkward little girl." Which could be a good thing - she might feel so loved and protected and accepted that she is just completely without self-awareness, yeah? Which is good. You almost cringe at the struggle she has ahead of her, when it comes to people comparing her to her mom and her boyfriends asking to come over just so they can try to get a sneak peek of Emily in her bikini. Hard road, that Ricki has in front of her.
Anyway, golden boy Jef totally won her over, which I gotta give him props for - trying to make a kid like you in any situation is tough, but doing it A. In front of her mom/your girlfriend B. doing it in front of a camera while knowing this was going to be broadcast in front of a national audience? Holy shit. I would've broken out into hives.
The next morning, Emily stands on a bridge looking out onto the ocean while she has some thoughts and then meets with Chris Harrison to discuss those same thoughts. Mainly, that she already knows that Jef is "her guy" and that she knows she's going to have to break Arie's heart on their date later that day.
|Pretty girls can be sad, too, you know.|
I don't think anyone saw this coming. Especially for those of us who are so jaded from watching previous final rose shows and know how the producers like to edit things up so you think you know who they're going to choose and then they don't, I felt for sure that things were going to be shown as going so great with Jef and then Emily meeting up with Arie and deciding ultimately that, nope, she wanted to try it again with another race car driver. I have to give Emily props, though, for not drawing it out. Even though Alie bugged the shit out of me, I had to respect her for letting Chris go the day before the rose ceremony. Nothing makes me more angry than a Bachelorette who lets a guy go to his knee and propose before she tells him to get lost (looking at you, Deanna Pappas and Ashley Herbert).
So as Emily tells Harrison, her mind is made up, and she goes to meet up with Arie. Who, by the way, is absolutely giddy about their date, which is just so freaking heartbreaking to watch. He's at some botanical garden, mixing up A LOVE POTION FOR EMILY, when she arrives. They sit down to talk, she starts crying, does a horrible job of explaining herself, and Arie is kind yet upset. I gotta hand it to some of the men of this season - both Sean and Arie were total class acts when it came to getting the boot (unlike Psycho Chris, who acted like he was going to sue Emily for dumping him). All in all, it's pretty heartbreaking to watch, because you know Emily feels awful and you know that Arie is completely heartbroken.
|I love you, but I'm not IN love with you.|
|Emily, waiting in her gorgeous dress at Pier 1 Imports.|
For about ten seconds.
Emily just stands there, staring down at him, smiling, not saying anything.
And then - finally! - she says yes.
|Let's do this. Let's have sex on national television. Let's give these people what they paid for.|
During the After The Final Rose, we find out that Arie was so torn up about Emily's choice that at one point he flew to Charleston to see her. But he didn't see her - instead, he left his diary for her to read.
|And then I cut off some of my hair and sent it along with a pair of my underwear! You know, as a keepsake. Of our time together. SO THAT YOU WOULD REMEMBER ME ALWAYS.|
Emily didn't read it, out of respect for him and Jef, and gave it back to him, much to Arie's relief. Yeah, because that's weird, Arie. I know heartbreak can make you do weird things, but...keep those private thoughts to yourself from now on, okay? That's why they're called private.
Jef comes out, Emily and him kiss and hold hands and talk about how great everything is, and pretty much everyone in the world nods and lets their eyes glaze over as they remember all the other couples that sat there before, kissing and holding hands and talking about how great everything is. Jef is going to move to Charleston, where they will live apart while they plan a wedding (that's right, folks! They are planning a wedding, which is totally different from everyone else who's gone through this show). So that will be fun.
|Let's pretend that everything is going to stay perfect.|
I'm actually kind of sad that this season is over. I know tons of people (aka, my friends and partner) thought that Emily was super boring, but I personally thought she was total pleasure to watch. And now how am I gonna get weekly updates on her great outfits and ridiculous body?!! Hot damn, you guys. I have a total girl crush on that girl.
Maybe I should fly to Charleston and let her read my diary, too....
|Up next, on the Lifetime Movie Network...|