From Single To Insta-Family: A Disgusting Tale of True Love, Part 1

Here's a fact of life that continues to amaze, shock, and delight the hell out of me: When you're brave enough to release your truth to the world, you give others the courage and the permission to be cool with their own truth. It's an awesome cycle. And it's one that I want to perpetuate, right now and all the time.
So we're gonna get down to business when it comes to the beginning of the story, so that we can get closer to the present and then roll with this crazy-making new world I've found myself in.
***

You know those people who say, "True love will find you when you least expect it!"? Or "The minute you stop looking for someone, you'll find them"?

Those people can go fuck themselves.

Let me explain...

Last summer I did the Bon Iver thing and moved northwards to a cabin in the woods to better concentrate on My Art (it sounds so important, when I capitalize it like that, doesn't it?). After a particularly exciting yet exhausting year, the thought of sort of running away to write (and swim in the lake in the morning and take long walks in the woods in the afternoon and meditate on the dock at sunset and read by the fire late into night) sounded like the most amazing idea I'd had in a long time.

Now, I knew that by moving to the middle of the forest, I would be essentially staring down the barrel of a sexless summer. Which was not the most attractive prospect ever, but maybe it was good for me, right? After a couple of extremely dramatic pairings that year, a break sounded good. Healthy, even. Also, I really had to work on this fucking book, and I couldn't seem to satisfactorily accomplish that while being swept up in the social swirl of Minneapolis.

So anyway, to sum up, I ran away to the woods like a pretentious douchebag and even though I knew I probably wasn't going to get laid all summer long, I figured it was okay because I'd already gotten laid a lot the year before.

Good? Okay! Let's move on.

A lot of what I wanted to do that summer was deepen my study and practice of meditation. This could be a whole other story for another day, but the year before I sort of gave myself permission to build out my spiritual life by digging into stuff I had a long-held curiosity about - meditation, the law of attraction, metaphysics, etc (you know, stuff that too-cool people like me usually associate with crystal prism necklaces and long flowy skirts and gross cereal from Good Earth). And the moment I started plugging into that stuff, miracles started to happen. Real, actual, tangible miracles. And the mental and spiritual growth stuff...like, wow. But the effects of that kind of practice wasn't what I loved most about it - it was the act of it. I loved the study of it. Just taking time for it every day felt...good. Joyful. Like both my body and mind were humming along together, both vibrant and thriving. And I love writing, and I really do feel that it's my purpose in this life to write, but this...this made me so happy. 

So it seemed to be a gathering of forces when a Cyber Dating Sidekick client of mine wrote to me about how she had read The Soulmate Secret by Arielle Ford, and asked me to read it while we were working together. I had already heard of the book by listening to podcasts that featured Jack Canfield, an author I really dig (you may know him from Chicken Soup For The Soul, the ridiculously huge empire of books that I still haven't touched. I know him from The Success Principles and the awesomest audio series with the corniest title, Maximum Confidence: 10 Steps to Extreme Self-Esteem), who used to be one of Arielle's clients back when she was a book publicist. He spoke very highly of the book, which piqued my interest. But, initially, the book...it sounded pretty cheesy. While I get pretty jazzed about meditation and spirituality and intentional thinking because I know what those things can do, I'm still that girl who sometimes cringes at the casing. Why we gotta put flowers on everything, kids? What's up with the books covers of sunsets and tree canopies? Doesn't anyone else get tired of wind chimes and flutes? Why can't we just be cool about this stuff?   

Also, buying a book called The Soulmate Secret when I'm known for my disasterous dates and angsty-type relationship writing kind of felt like being 50 pounds overweight and picking up a copy of 10 Pounds in 10 Days by Jackie Warner. Glad you're keeping your chin up, kid, but let's chat about this thing called reality. But three facts convinced me to at least give it a shot: First, if a client asked me to do it because she felt it would help me serve her better when it came to her online dating endeavors, I couldn't really say no, right? Second, I had to admit that Arielle's premise for the book was true - if we use meditation and intentional thinking for other areas of our lives - career, life purpose, etc - and see results, why can't the same be true for our romantic life? Why can't our search for our life partner be just as spiritual as anything else? After all, we do call it a soulmate...isn't kind of defeating the purpose of trying to find a soulmate if we're not getting down with our soul to find them?

And third, it was perfect timing. I had a whole summer ahead of me, a blank slate of a season. A lot of what the book talks about is clearing out space - head space, emotional space, physical space - to make room for the person you want to bring into your life, and lot of that is a process. And if you're serious about finding your soulmate, Arielle wrote, then you have to get serious about it. Telling the universe that you wanted to find the perfect person for you and then going out and dating a bunch of "he's okay" guys sends mixed signals to the universe/God/your inner intentions, and when you're sending out mixed signals, you're going to get mixed results. 

And since I was living in a cabin in the middle of the woods and planning on dating no one, I could hardly fail at that part. 

So I dug in. And found, to my surprise and delight, that the book was fun. You do all these different, fun rituals that help you release emotional energy from your exes or prepare you mentally for someone new or help you get clear on what it is that you really want. That was the part that was radical for me - being a sort of relationship-study junkie, I had of course made tons of lists before of what I wanted in a man. But they were always carefully crafted, "are you sure you want that because what if ___"-type lists. I was making lists of the man I thought I should want. The biggest thing this book did was teach me that I'm supposed to want what I want. For example, tattoo'ed up guys. I am sooo attracted to that stuff. But, I used to always tell myself that that wasn't realistic, since I didn't have or want any tattoos and edgy guys like that didn't tend to go for preppier girls like me, etc. Then, while reading the book, I realized that was kind of ridiculous: If I'm attracted to someone like that and I'm like me, then that means that there has to be someone out there that's like that who's also attracted to someone like me. What you want wants you. So what I did with the list practice in this book was allow myself to just write down everything that came to my mind - and challenged myself to not talk myself out of a single thing. I read it over, copied down the things that really resonated with me - the things that caused a loud shout of "YES!" inside my brain - and then gave my original list up to the universe (aka, burnt it in the fire place while drinking a glass of wine and listening to Ray LaMontagne, because that's how you do things when you're living the romantic comedy that is my life).

The other cool thing that the book taught me was that instead of doing visualizations of what you want, to try doing feelingizations. I'm a super visual person - I think in pictures and my thoughts play out like mini-movies, etc - so visualization is easy for me, but I really connected with the idea that it's so much more powerful to think about how you want to feel in a relationship rather than what you want it to look like. Because relationships can look awesome on the outside but still feel terrible on the inside, right? So I took myself through that process and really started capturing how I wanted my romantic-life-For-Life to feel. I wanted to feel that the moment he walked in the door, the party was about to start. I wanted to feel that when we asked about each others' day, we really cared about what the other had to say. I wanted to feel like every single aspect of each other was totally accepted by the other: Not just liked, not "I love this about you now but in six months I'd like you to change it", but accepted. I wanted to feel that I could let go of the selfish tendencies and self-absorbed living practices that I've culled over the past decade - and let go of them gladly - if he asked me to...which is something I've never felt or wanted with someone before (because fuck those guys and their demands on my time, right?).

Around this time, I started noticing my OkCupid.com inbox had started to fill up when I would log onto the site to do research and matches for clients. While I had absolutely no intention of doing any online dating that summer, I had made a sort of half-hearted decision to keep my profile active on there because, in the past, so many clients had requested to see my profile (I guess there's something comforting about knowing that the person you're hiring to write your profile hasn't totally messed up their own). So I mostly ignored the messages. One online match, however, was persistent and contacted me on Facebook. He wrote a very sweet message about not wanting to be perceived as a stalker but had simply noticed that I was rarely on OkCupid anymore, and since he still wanted to get to know me, he figured Facebook was the best avenue to do so. I noticed we had some mutual friends in common, and he seemed like a cool enough guy, so I accepted his friend request, went back to work, and promptly forgot all about it.
                                                                                                                                                   Part II -->

Oh John.

You're working so hard to win me back.



And you know what?

It's working, John.

*whispers* It's working...

'The Bachelorette' Recap: If The Times Get Too Good, We Can Just Talk About Kids Again

Last night on The Bachelorette: Emily Has a Daughter -

Just as a side note though...has anyone else noticed how the opening credit of Emily holding Ricky in her arms and standing in a field against the setting sun looks a little creepy? Like it's the movie poster for "Fields of North Carolina" or some other movie where a mother and her child are all on their own during a depression or wartime, trying to survive against tragedy, harsh poverty, and savage social mores or something.

via abc.com

 Anyway! Last night's episode was an intense exploration of what it means to suffer through some uncomfortable conversations about being a father and what it means to everyone in the whole goddamn world. It opened up with Emily's mom bringing Emily breakfast in bed in what looks to be like one of the most amazing bed/bedrooms in the world. I paused it to see what kind of food the most perfect woman in the universe likes to break her fast with, and it looks like green grapes, wheat crackers, cheddar cheese, deli turkey slices, hummus, and a bread/muffin-like thing with coffee.

And that, my friends, is why I feel I missed my calling as an crackerjack investigative reporter.

Anyway, Emily and her mom talk about Ricky a bunch while Ricky dances outside Emily's door like a weirdo, and then we go to the guys. The next one-on-one date turns out to be with Corporate Sales Director Chris, who seems sweet but is also really fucking boring. We find out that they're going to climb to the top of a building to their dinner, and it feels like that other season where the producers created risk-taking dates to create unnatural bonds and the inevitable cheesy metaphors about holding on to each other through their fear and overcoming obstacles, blah blah blah.

via abc.go.com

 Chris keeps talking about kissing Emily and then talks about not kissing Emily, which proved my inner prediction that Chris is the kind of guy who fumbles around during body-slappin' time, constantly asking annoying questions like if this is okay or is it alright to do this or "how does this feel? Is your vagina alright? Do you mind if I just slip in right here or would you rather just sit up or talk...?" Emily, however, lays on her magistical charm and flatters him by telling him that he's so cute that she would be too intimidated to go up to him and talk to him in a regular bar scene, which none of the rest of us believes, but if she feels like spreading love to those less fortunate, who are we to judge her? And then Chris admits to being 25 and Emily starts to question whether or not he's mature enough for her and her daughter.

Then we see Tony calling his little boy at home and talking about how hard it is to be away from him. Yawn. Then it's the group date card, which says, "Let's Play..." and everyone scratches their head and beards and tries to philosophize what "Let's Play..." really means, which makes us worry about the future of humanity as birthed through their gene pool.

Emily decides that Chris is so mature that he actually seems older than her, and then declares that she really likes him, much to the confusion of everyone watching. She gives him the rose, he's stunned, and all we can see is the future desolation and despair that will wash over his face when she sends him packing in favor of the other guys who are also attractive but will not talk repeatedly about wanting to kiss Emily without actually doing so.

via entertainment.time.com

 And then there's another country music concert, and Emily and Chris dance awkwardly by themselves while the whole town watches, and then people run out into the streets and start dancing with them, and then I went to a place far, far way, where happiness and sunshine are real and horses dance in a meadow and there is no one there to hurt you...no one to torture you with visions of awful things happening in city squares where emotions are manipulated and fake concerts by someone no one has ever heard of are painfully choreographed for Prime Time Television...

Group Date time! Emily shows some pretty great cleavage and her long legs in a "sporty" outfit while the boys arrive at the park. She holds a football a bunch, Real Housewife Ryan tries to give her tips on how to put the "spiff on" any guys who try to kiss her and Emily lies about not making out with Corporate Chris the night before, which was awkward for everyone who knows that she did (she's probably lying about it because she regrets it, though, which I totally understand. I would regret making out with Corporate Chris, too). Sean and Parent Expert Doug decide not to jump on her like a pack of wolves - Did WOLF hear you say that, guys? Maybe you could be a little more sensitive about your negative connotations and stereotypes. Wolf is REAL LIVE PERSON with FEELINGS. - and Emily ditches the guys to go meet up with her gal pals, aka The Mom Patrol and announces that they're going to meet the guys and will have the chance to grill each one on how good of a husband and dad they would be.

Tony plays the "I'm a dad, too" card again WHICH IS SO BORING BY NOW, Jef With One F gets another reminder from the Mom Patrol that he needs to show Emily that he's into her, and Parent Expert Doug once again flexes his deep, deep insight into what it's like to be a Parent Expert. Stevie The Dancing Elf shows his pop and lock dance routine, Real Housewife Ryan does push-ups, Tony renders us all sterile with his "back it up" moves...

And then Sean walks up.

Via abc.com

 Sean has definitely become the dark horse - we didn't really see anything about him in the first episode, but by now it's become crystal clear that Sean is definitely going to be #Top5. A good old Texas boy who counts faith and family as his two most important things, he's not only got a body that was sent down from the heavens, but he has also yet to say anything that makes me want to throw up, which is a blessing.

Did you get all those puns? There was about five of them dropped into that sentence. Congratulations to me, someone give me a copywriting job at Cosmo.

And then a bunch of kids run out and the guys are set in this really weird situation where they all have to instantly win the trust of kids they don't know by playing with them and pretending to like them, which normally would be a situation for the neighborhood watch or a plot point for an after-school special, but since it's on TV it's considered sweet and fun to watch.

Real Housewife Ryan breaks apart from the pack and goes over to Emily, who's hanging with the Mom Patrol, and says some stuff about how Emily can't get fat if they get married, and then tries to say something about he wants her to be at her best and if people get lazy then there's a problem there, and that he would still love her but he might not love "on" her quite so much. Which is valid, but most of us have learned by now not to say those things out loud, and especially not in front of their friends. Not Real Housewife Ryan, though! Real Housewife Ryan doesn't have to play by your rules, because he's a Pro Sports Trainer and he never goes into a ball game expectin' to lose. Sad news, Ryan - Emily didn't think that was a good move, which means if you're not careful, you're gonna be out of the game. Ryan, of course, confides that he still thinks he's getting the rose tonight. Best leave the thinking to others, Ryan, and stick to the picnic table push-ups.


At the phancy portion of the date, Emily has a hard time being demure in her shiny mini-skirt and has to grab the front hem of her skirt when she sits so her hand blocks her lady tunnel from the prying lens of the camera, which only makes us think "vagina!" even more. Parent Expert Doug fills Emily in on his - totally sad! - background story, which is awful because up until this point I've been okay not liking him but now I feel bad for judging him and now I'm kind of like, "Well, maybe he's not so bad..." so WELL PLAYED, DOUG, YOU AND YOUR SAD CHILDHOOD STORIES.

Meanwhile, back at The Man Ranch, we get to see yet another stupendously shallow side of Kalon The Kracken when he confesses during confessional time that he really hopes Emily has taken enough interest in him..."to plan something really, really over the top for our date." (Sidenote: Does everyone who goes on this show just NOT EVEN BOTHER to watch the other shows? Is there a bunch of Jedi mind tricks happening that I'm somehow immune to? Why is it that every "contestant" fails to grasp the fact that the PRODUCERS plan the dates? Emily obviously had a hand in some of the dates that have happened thus far, but it's obvious from the "let's climb to the top of building in a thunderstorm!" that she's not in complete control. This is fantasy television, everybody. Producers are hired to keep it that way. Get the net.) Oh Kalon. Somewhere inside that shallow, narcissistic, spoiled-little-prince head of yours dwells a sad, angry little boy who did not get breastfed enough as a baby and is now the epitome of douche. Which is okay, because if you weren't like that, then I wouldn't have known the value of the joy I felt when the one-on-one date card was read and it was Arie going on the date instead of you.

And then we're back to the group date, where Tony brings everyone down with his "I miss my son" spiral. And I get it - it's like being homesick at sleepaway camp, where, as soon as you let yourself go to that place, it's almost impossible to get out of it. So Tony does the one thing that could make it worse - he calls his son. We are then treated to one of the more awkward phone conversations I've ever been a witness to. Tony does the whole "I'm talking in a higher-pitched voice because kids are idiots and this is how you talk to them" thing while he asks his kid a bunch of questions like "Do you know I miss you so much? Do you know I love you?" And then he does that gross "forcing affection" thing where he asks his kid if he misses him, so then the kid is forced to say yes, which is always good because what bad could possibly come of purposefully manipulating a kid's emotions to fit your own, right? Finally Emily decides to put everyone out their misery by telling Tony that she knows how painful it is to be away from your child, and that she would never be able to forgive herself if she kept him away from his son when she didn't know for sure if it would work out. Seriously! This woman! Like, can you guys even believe how perfect and honorable she is? And now we don't have to hear Tony talk about how much he wants Emily to know who he is or how much he misses his kid or other stuff that just brings the party down all the time! Hooo-ray for Emily!! Oh yeah, and she gives the date rose to Sean.

via tvrecaps.ew.com

 And then it's time for Emily's date with Arie! Emily's outfit - striped jersey shirt with cutoff jean shorts and knee-high cowboy boots - cause a serious debate between my domestic partner and I about Emily's boobs, because jesus. Appropriately, they end up going to Dollywood, where they play games and ride on a train and ride a roller coaster and then surprise! Dolly Parton shows up. (Boy, they are really putting out all the stops for this season, aren't they?) Emily's surprise is so genuine and sweet, and Emily and Arie slow-dancing to Dolly's songs is actually not awkward (Arie does the whole kiss-on-the-top-of-the-head thing, which is somehow super adorable, even when done on national TV) which is a first when it comes to the ever-present act of slow-dancing on The Bachelor franchise.

And then they have dinner, where Emily admits that she can't just have fun and enjoy things, but always has to make stuff serious again by talking about kids some more. Will the kid talk ever end. I mean, I understand that finding a partner is the most important thing to Emily, but god. Total snooze fest, right? So we get that stuff out of the way and then Emily tricks Arie by making him think he wasn't getting the rose and then gives it to him and we all breathe a sigh of relief because those two are adorable. And then the scene ends with a "this could be a movie, everybody!" scene where Emily and Arie kiss in slow-motion in front of a lit-up merry-go-round which elicts groans from everyone in the entire world. President Obama will most likely use it an example when he addresses this new rampant, blatant kind of terrorism in his next State of The Union address, though, so don't worry about it if you missed it.

The fire burns at The Man Ranch as they all get ready for the cocktail party and rose ceremony to start. Real Housewife Ryan really hits the nail on the head when he explains that Emily's here for a purpose, that she's wanting more than just a boyfriend, but a husband and a father, too. Try not to drop too many of those brain busters, Ryan...the world may not be able to handle your kind of subtle intelligence. Emily walks in and asks Kalon The Kraken to come with her for a little one-on-one time. Kraken once again makes the world grit its teeth in hatred and revulsion when he takes her arm in his and says, "Gentleman? You'll hold down the fort, won't you?" Let me break something to you, Kraken: You are not living in an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel. And neither is anyone else. So stop being a totally ridiculous asshole with your boat shoes and fake glasses and acting like it's bragging when you admit that you've never really had to share much in your life.

via glamour.com

But THEN! THE BEST PART EVER! Kracken is trying to tell Emily all about himself - because it's super awesome when you focus on yourself and telling your story instead of getting to know the person you want to date, right? - and she FINALLY manages to get a word in edgewise to ask him about kids. She expounds a little bit on her points, and then HE interrupts HER and says, "I love it when you talk but I wish you'd let me finish." Which you KNOW is a line that he's used before and has probably even bragged about its perfection - it's one of those lines that seem to compliment the other person while also putting them in their place but really just insults them more because it's so obviously condescending - to his stupid boring friends. The entire nation of America wants to punch this guy in the fact, but Emily simply puts on a polite smile, nods, and says, "okay." Which is scary in it's own way - it's like your teacher talking really quietly about how he's going to fail everyone in the class if they don't stop talking over the lecture, or when your mom puts her hand on your arms and smiles as she says, "We'll talk about this when we get home" after you've just thrown a complete tantrum. It means that you are about to die.

So then Kracken laughs at his little remark like a total asshole choad and goes on to explain further that his mom taught him that he can't try to control everything, even though he's used to being in control and having everything going his way (aka, he's been a spoiled asshole his entire life). Emily says, "I had no idea that you were like that" in a way that Kraken takes as serious but we all knew was sarcastic, and then Kraken lays down some more parenting wisdom with "But when you become a parent, you gotta let go of that overnight. You can't control anything." Like he's not talking to a parent right now who could maybe tell him what's really up because she's actually a parent. Emily admits during confessional time that she wonders if there's something else about him that she's just not seeing yet. To which America replies, "Um, YEAH." And then drops, "I do like tall, skinny, and funny, but I don't tall, skinny, and condescending." OH, SNAP!

Then Travis, Ostrich Egg Guy, lets Emily smash the egg (nicknamed Shelly. Or Shelby. Or Shaggy. I don't care), which is entertaining only because the eagle-eyed viewer spotted Charlie watching and laughing his ass off from a window by the door of the house.

via abc.com

 And THEN! It's Emily and Alessandro. In the past few eps, I've been kind of rooting for Alessandro because he seemed like a nice guy. A nice guy with really awful hair, but a nice guy. Emily drops the #1 Question - How do you think you would be as a dad? (because she has a child, everybody! Did you know? Emily has a daughter. I hope that you caught that from watching this and other past episodes). Alessandro begins on shaky ground by saying how he doesn't have a lot of experience with kids, and we're like, okay...not really winning the pageant here, but then he says, "But you're gonna teach me, right?" and a sigh of relief is felt around the world as he gets back on solid footing.

And then he starts talking about that role being a compromise for him, and all the glass in all the world begins to shatter and break, a woman shrieks long and high, the earth begins to shake, and the ground splits open as hot lava comes pouring out of it, melting and killing everyone.

"The compromise would be me as a dad, as a chief in a family," Alessandro tries to explain in his slight Spanish accent. Emily wonders why he sees it as a compromise and not an honor, and Alessandro tries to explain that marriage is a compromise. Once again, Emily tries to save him by asking if he doesn't see it as a bonus, and Alessandro disagrees with her again, and explains that he would have to tell his company "Okay, I can't travel, I can't move locations, because I have a compromise - I have a wife, I have a family." And AGAIN, Emily tries to save him by wondering if there's a language barrier, to which Alessandro firmly replies that there is not, that he is expressing himself right now. And then we see Sean sharing that Alessandro had admitted to her Emily friends that he had cheated on an ex and had a one-night stand. Then we see Emily walking Alessandro out of the house and to a black SUV, and all the women in Minneapolis and St. Paul gathered to discuss ways to raise awareness on how to avoid the Gypsy King (he called himself that. No lie) that is Alessandro.

Seriously, local ladies. Do not let this bad hair nightmare happen to you. Avoid at all costs. You are most vulnerable in downtown nightclubs, high-scale restaurants, rooftop bars, and anywhere that does valet. He will torture you with his odd accent, embarrass you with the weird hairy spider/octopus thing he's got going on up there on his skull, and steal your self-respect at a moment's notice.

Emily is upset, though, with what Alessandro said, so she slips away to a quiet corner with Arie for amazing margarita-like drinks and Arie says something super cute and then hugs her and kisses her on the top of her forehead and then kisses her for real and it's ADORABLE. And the best is that Real Housewife Ryan sees them making out and gets all botoxed out about it since he hasn't kissed Emily yet. Guess that's one ball game you DIDN'T win! HAHAHAHA!

Emily has time with Sean and Sean dazzles her by praising her dad and announcing that if they were to get married, that he would consider Ricky as his daughter. And all the guys punched a hand through the wall because that Sean guy, right?! He's so good! Where did he come from?!

Rose Ceremonaaay! Everybody's sweating, the camera keeps trying to get a better view of Emily's side boob through the keyhole in her dress, and it slowly comes down to Stevie The Dancing Elf and some guy that I don't even know the name of because we've barely even seen him this entire time (Nate? Kyle? It's not important, I guess, according to the producers). Stevie The Dancing Elf got the shaft, probably because Emily knew that she couldn't bring home a dancing elf to her daughter. He says his goodbyes, and I kind of feel sorry for him because he can kind of be endearing when he's talking instead of dancing. But it's back to the Jersey Shore with him, to get laid a thousand times a thousand by women who watch the show and love a good pop, lock, and drop.

Real Housewife Ryan once again whines about Arie kissing Emily, calling him "more of a dainty guy", and declaring that this is definitely a cat and mouse game and that he's used to winning. Ryan, take your narcissism and go be on Falcon Crest or something. I'm tired of looking at your stupid perfect face.

Next week, the whole love crew hits it for Bermuda, where we should expect a lot of beach walking and talking by the fire and confrontations happening against unfortunate-looking patio furniture. Until next time, Bach Buds...this is Amber Carter, signing off with these words of wisdom... If the good times ever get too good, just suddenly ask a guy if he feels ready to be a dad.

This goes on the wall above my desk.

Today.

Yes please and thank you.

whippedbakedshop's "Parks and Recreation" Ron Swanson cookies.

Talking...talking about stuff...talking about stuff at Ignite...

Ignite Minneapolis happened last night, and with it, my talk on "The Defense of Earnest: OR, Why Twihards Will Be The Ones To Save The Community Rec Center."

Disclosure: While "Pizza Parties & World Peace...Let's Do It, You Guys" got the resounding vote from readers, I wanted to do the honorable thing and get permission the comedian whose tweet first sparked the idea into my brain. Sad to say, I didn't get a response from him in time for talk submissions, so I had to go with the Twihard exposition. Not that I wasn't unhappy about it - like I had stated before, I really liked both ideas. But in case some of you were wondering out there why that one was the talk when a talk about pizza parties is such an obvious choice for world domination, there you go.

After the initial "OH MY GOD I'M GONNA RULE THE WORRRRRRLD!" elation at my talk being accepted for Ignite, I quickly learned that preparing to speak at Ignite is one part exciting with three parts stressballs. Crafting a persuasive argument is hard enough - even though I do it almost every damn day on here, leading you, my dedicated disciples, to my personal glorious gospel of reality, coffee stuff, and book crap - but trying to pack one into 5 minutes, and then break it up into 15 seconds increments that match your slides? Total boner killer.

But with the help of the talented Karah, I got my power point presentation prepped and submitted on time, and then spent the better part of the past week editing and rehearsing and polishing my talk. This included a couple hours of timing myself so each point corresponded with each slide perfectly. I really wanted to have the whole thing memorized so I could do most of it without referencing notes, but alas, by the day of, I knew my brainage space would not be able to take that amount of stress.

But I felt good, going in. My points were as succinct as I could make them. The slides were cohesive enough so that if I talked into the next one or preempted the upcoming one, it wasn't going to be a total meltdown disaster. My outfit was a little bit hooker, a little bit casual business person. I was good to go.

When it was time for my talk, I walked down the aisle feeling the same way I feel whenever I did any kind of public performance - speech tournaments, cheerleading routines for half-time (yeah. Those. Shut up), motivational messages or skits at camp, and currently book readings - confident. Jazzed up. Slightly nervous, but focused.

And then I got up to the podium.

And then my heart started racing a gajillion times a minute.

And then I started to lose my breath.

And then my entire body, along with my voice, started to literally shake uncontrollably. As in, "Hey guys, this must be what having Parkinson's is like!" uncontrollably.

It was a total adrenaline rush, and not the good kind. I had this happen to me at a couple of book readings earlier this summer, but with those, I was able to just take a step back, slow my breath, make a few jokes, and then begin. But this was timed! And I had made the mistake of packing so much into those 15 second increments...during practice I had figured that since I usually talk fast, I could power through them or just take a deep breath and improvise. But seriously, it took all I had to just keep steady my voice enough so that people could actually understand what I was saying into the mic that was also shaking uncontrollably due to my hand.

The entire talk is pretty much a blur. I can barely remember anything that I said, except that I tried to make a joke about the Titanic that I had decided in practice was a bomb and should be cut but somehow I forgot about that and it just spilled out of my mouth. And my slow clap mention came about 15 seconds too soon (I had a Rudy slide that was supposed to correspond with it. RU-DY! RU-DY!). Also, pretty sure that the majority of the audience thought that the talk about me defending Twilight instead of the point, which is that even if something seems kind of dumb (and it does), if it's touching off such a rabid spark amongst so many people, it's worth at least examining why instead of wholly dismissing it because we're 2 Kool 4 School.

So after my talk, I kind of blindly walked into the women's room and talked myself down from a heart attack, and then focused on gathering some takeaways from the rest of the talks that I could learn as tools for how to improve. They are as follows -

1) Be your goddamn self
This wasn't necessarily a mistake, but in my quest for trying to get my point across and do it in a way out loud that didn't make me sound like a total moron, I kind of left out some of the personal touches that make my writing and speeches reflect who I am. Mainly, swearing (I spotted some old people in the line going into Ignite, and decided to maybe leave out the swears since old people don't really love the cursing. But then later I realized that everyone else was swearing and it was an event with free beer, so how uptight could The Olds really be, right?). AND, the best talks of the night (in my opinion) were ones that were completely reflective of the presenter's personality. So while I didn't totally fail at this, I could have injected a little more of my essence (gross) into my talk and had a little bit more fun with it.

2) Pack lightly
Next time (Pizza Party next time!) I'm keeping it light. If it takes 15 seconds to make a single point, that's too fucking long. I will also build in time in the beginning to say hello to the audience or make some jokes (aka, squeezing my belly so it looks like it's talking while I proclaim "Pizza par-tay!" in my best Alanna voice) so that I'm not having a total seizure on stage. Also, the presenters that looked like they were having the most fun were the ones who stood off to the side of the screen and made their specific points in a well-rehearsed but easy manner. They didn't go up there and just riff, but it was obvious that they had memorized what was important to hit and then let the rest of it flow naturally. And they spoke to the slides. That was the big thing - I made the mistake of being so tied to the points on my notes that half the time I was just hoping that the right slide was up there because I didn't have time to pay attention to them.

3) Slides matter
The thing that saved me where the slides. Funny ones. Ones that could stand on their own. I'm glad I had enough presence of mind to realize that even if the talk bombed, if I had the right slides the audience would still be entertained, and really, that's all that matters.

4) Fuck those jerks. 
There was a lot of chatter going around on Twitter about presenters and the points they were trying to make. A lot of self-righteous, extraneous bullshit. The Ignite audience itself was supremely respectful, lovely, and wonderful to all the presenters. Some peeps from the Twitter audience, however, were total assholes. And this isn't about my talk - I actually had one lovely conversation with a Tweeter who disagreed with my point, but that was actually awesome - it allowed me to clarify further what I was trying to do, and I welcomed that. But for the rest of yous...it bugs the shit out of me when others try to hijack someone's else's bag in order to showcase their own authority on a topic. I've seen this in Twitter chats, also (but that's another topic for another day), but mostly when people are tweeting up events like SMBMSP or Java MeetUp Minneapolis. Yes, you're very smart, but you're not the one up there because you either didn't have the guts, didn't make the effort to try to be, or weren't picked to do so, so let that person have their moment, give them the respect to finish what they're trying to say, then state your opinion in a way that is is helpful and edifying and all sorts of constructive and insightful. Or, shut the hell up until you can learn how to say things in a manner that is not condescending and pretentious. There's a way to gently lead someone to a teachable moment (aka, "Sources make statistics so much more powerful / Am dying to know more on that fact you just mentioned!" vs. "EVERYBODY knows to do this, except obviously you, stupid."). Obviously, everyone is entitled to their opinion, and whenever someone is trying to make a point or persuade others to their point of view, that speaker should be open to and expecting healthy discourse and debate. Note that that doesn't say: If someone is on the stage and that person isn't you, then you're entitled to be an asshole about it. So my takeaway was this - fuck those jerks. I had a little bit of fear, going in, that I was going to tarred and feathered over my topic or what I was trying to say, or that people would do the very thing I was arguing against and dismiss it as a stupid talk about a stupid topic...and while I am glad that didn't happen, I never should have been frightened of that in the first place, because that kind of stuff deserves little to no merit.

5) Say Thank You.
After my final point, I kind of just blindly stumbled off the stage and forgot to thank the audience for their time. Also, a couple of cool presenters made their last slide into a "Here's where you can find me" biz-card-type slide, which was totally cool - if I liked your talk, I'll also probably like you on Twitter or Facebook or your blog. So next time you can expect a big smiling slide of my face and a title of "FOLLOW ME, AND WE SHALL RULE THE WORLD TOGETHER..."

I'm really into themes of world domination right now.

All in all, it was an awesome experience - I'm so, so grateful for the opportunity and so glad for the experience. It was also super rad to get to catch up with so many great people at the awesome afterparty - People of Minneapolis/St. Paul, you rock this jam out.

Thanks so much to the volunteers and organizers of Ignite Minneapolis for putting on such a great event. I was supremely honored to be a part of it.

The End.

All I want is all of these.

As most of you know, sometimes it's as if Kanye and I are the same person. Which is why I was so excited to see that his/my thoughts are now available as beautiful embroidered works of art.

And you can pick which tweet you want her to stitch! Homagod.

I love stuff like this.

Up until a few months ago, Dunn Bros was at the bottom of the coffee rung for me. Like any other good citizen who cares even a little about sustainability, I tried to hit local when I could, and Starbucks when I was weak (I can't help it! I am a sucker for lifestyle marketing. And I want that green mermaid logo to define my fancy life). And Dunn Bros coffee was always too dark and strong for my delicate palate and sweet-like-a-rose mouth.

But now that I live in a place where chains are plentiful and local is hard to find (I moved here for love!), I found myself checking out the local Dunn Bros one day while on a quest for a change of environment and strong wi-fi. And while this particular Dunn Bros was located in a strip mall (why does that seem to hurt my soul so much? Even when Quixotic Coffee, the local of local, was in a strip mall in Highland Park, I had a hard time with it. And I'm not even that precious about malls and suburbs and stuff - I prefer to be urban, but suburbs definitely have their charms, too) I was really surprised by the drive to make it feel like the neighborhood coffee shop. They had live music and book readings and the baristas were nice and seemed to remember people. And I found a coffee drink I liked, and their membership program is great. Caribou, you could take a page from their book. Starbucks, go fuck yourselves and your "We reward loyal customers! Wait, we decided to stop doing that now."

And then Dunn Bros does something like this, where not only do you get to score a FREE CANDY BAR (which I can't even eat, but still - FREE CANDY BAR!), but you're helping to support PACER'S, which is just so awesome. Anything that involves coffee and charity is a-okay in my book, and I'll be first in line to give my dollars and a "what's up" to it. And then if it also involves free chocolate-covered candy stuffs? Holy shit, everybody.

So yeah. I'm not getting paid to tell you this (although...Dunn Bros...if you want to pay me to say it...I mean...I'm open to talk about it with you, if you want...), but I think y'alls should try to hit your local Dunn Bros tomorrow, grab a beverage, stuff your face with your free Nut Goodie, and then feel real, real good about the good you're doin'.

I could try to bully you into it, but that would defeat the purpose a little bit this time, right?

'The Bachelorette' Episode 2 Recap - It's Just About Everyday Life, You Guys

Last night's episode of The Bachelorette: Emily Has a Daughter opened up with a crackerjack "news story" on Charleston local Emily and "rumors" that the new season of The Bachelorette was filming in Charleston so Emily could be close to her daughter. This, of course, came as a shock to everyone watching, since WE HAD ALL KNOWN THIS FOR MONTHS. Great reporting, Channel 9.

So we see Emily in the park with her daughter and some Mom Friends, which is nice because we really never get a slice of what "everyday life" looks like for the Bachelor/Bachelorettes. Then Chris cattle-calls all the men out to the courtyard, and DROPS A BOMB: On this season, if you get a one-on-one date, you need to pack your bags ahead of time because if you don't get the rose, you're going home immediately (aka to a local hotel to be in seclusion until filming is over). Then Chris announces that he has the first date card to give them, he leaves, some douche drops "it just got real" and the entire world sighs with disapproval and disappointment.

Chris, a Corporate Sales Director (who's the kind of guy who's so freaky looking that he starts to look attractive after you stare at him for long enough, kind of like those visual eye puzzles with the shapes that jump out of you, only with HIS FACE) really wants that First Date Card. But sad news, Chris, because much like going into a ball game, Pro Sports Ryan is never expectin' to lose, and he didn't lose now - Ryan got the First Date card. "Be my king in Queen city." What does it mean?! The guys all wonder, as they tear their shirts off their chests and pound the cement ground in frustration. Ryan has no idea, but he what he does know is that his Pastor always said that "if you treat a woman like a queen, she'll treat you like a king."

Fun fact: Never goes into a ball game expectin' to lose.

 And cut to the only moment in the entire show where we'll like Kalon The Kracken, who tries very hard to stifle a "shut the fuck up" smile.

Emily's First Date With Real Housewife Ryan

And then it's pool time, pool time, look at all those muscular chests pool time! Kracken thinks that it's like being in a frat house from hell - on steroids, no less! - but no one could really hear him drop that Truth Bomb over the collective orgasm that just erupted from every woman in America. Emily walks in to pick up Ryan, they leave, the guys all talk about how stupid Ryan's hair looks, and then we see Emily and Ryan jump into her white Tahoe and take off.

Ryan has no idea where they're going - all he knows is that this could be the first date with his future wife! Although, secretly, he's hoping for a helicopter ride or a wine soaked jacuzzi session or a private concert in the park. You know, the standard first date stuff. Oh no, though...Emily pulls up in front of her house and tells him to help her bring in the groceries. Which is hilarious, because now Ryan knows what every girl he's ever dated felt like after sleeping with him - major disappointment, veiled by a grin-and-bear-it attitude.

So it turns out that they're gonna make cookies for Rikki's soccer team because Emily is Snack Mom and while The Bachelor usually does dates that are exciting and glamorous, that's not her real life (although, to be fair, she's a 26 yr old single mom who drives a white Tahoe and lives in a brick mansion in Charleston, so her everyday life is pretty okay in my book). Ryan decides to turn off the douche nozzle and warms up to the idea that baking cookies could be romantic. You know, kind of like the Real Housewives do when they're forced to show for the camera how they can be real people, too, despite their good looks, unrealistic lifestyles, and vapid personalities.

Flash to The Guys Left Behind, as they talk about whether or not Ryan will meet Rikki on the first date or not. Parent Expert Doug chimes in his two cents about the way things are done When You're a Parent (did you guys know that he's a dad? He has a son. Just in case you didn't know that yet).

So Emily and Ryan go and drop the cookies off to Rikki and her teammates. Ryan has to stay in the car, HA HA HA! and once again brings up the fact that he would love to taken away on a big jet and on these big adventures BUT this is okay, too. Seriously, the more he keeps bringing that up, the uglier he gets. But, luckily for Ryan, Emily gets back into the car and tells Ryan that the date isn't over. I was kind of hoping that the rest of the date was going to include the two of them helping one of her friends move, just really put the screws on Ryan's Fantasy Date, but no - they're going out to dinner at one of Emily's favorite places. Cut to a bare-chested Ryan ironing his shirt, him saying some more stuff, and then Emily picking him up in a sports car. The rest of the date is pretty boring - dinner at a restaurant and then a concert by some band no one has ever heard of - but here are the high points: 1) Pretty much everyone in Charleston has decided to join them by lining the streets outside the eatery, which was actually kind of creepy. 2) Emily is kind of a tough customer. She doesn't let guys off the hook when it comes to being honest about real life. This is good with guys like Ryan, who are used to charming a girl with a smile, but I also have a feeling we're in for some uncomfortable moments down the line. 3) Ryan bugs me. I still think he'll be in the #Top5, but the more I see him, the more I think of that really good looking guy who's now 50 and has divorced his first wife to run around in a convertible with his 19 yr old girlfriend.

photo via wetpaint.com

The Group Date Card shows up, and it's a big one. The date card says, "Let's set the stage for love" and Stevie The Dancing Elf (did you guys know he's a party MC?! HA HA HA HA!) immediately wows everyone with his brainiac skills by announcing that it's clear that they're going to be on some type of stage. Kraken confides that while the thought of theater might make some of the guys nervous, he, for once, embraces the stage. And then we all puked a little bit and then some guy asked him if he was flying a helicopter to the date and then we all laughed and then things were okay again.

Group Date: The Muppeteers

Okay. Here is the thing that I kinda sort of love about Emily: While she seems very soft-spoken and sweet, the fact that she wouldn't do the show unless it filmed in Charleston so she could be close to her family speaks volumes. Knowing that, and knowing that she actually had a hand in planning the first date with Real Housewife Ryan, we can all pretty much assume that she also had a hand in the group date. As some of you might remember, Emily's real job is an event planner for a children's hospital. What is the group date? It's about putting on an event that's actually a fundraiser...for The Rikki Hendricks Center for Intensive Care. I kind of love the idea of Emily insisting that one of the dates be an event that raises money for her charity and actually be useful for something, instead of just a way to make people uncomfortable by forcing them to be "adventurous" and jump out of a bunch of helicopters. 

So the guys show up, Stevie The Dancing Elf looks like a total douche in a newsie-type hat and his sweatshirt draped around his shoulders, and Emily announces that they'll all be performing today...with The Muppets.

Cue my domestic partner having a meltdown about "those lucky fucks! They have no idea how lucky they are!" Which is true.

The Muppets - Kermit, Miss Piggy, and Fozzie Bear are truly hilarious. Tony triyng to do his Kermit impression is not. Head Trauma Charlie has a hot flash about speaking in public, but all The Guys Left Behind are cheering for him to do well, and like a stand-up guy, he turns it into an honest confessional moment with Emily, who is of course super sweet about it. The show is a hit - both Emily and Chris Harrison show some surprising acting chops - and it's a fantastic event that raises a lot of money.

photo via buddytv.com

Then it's the date part of the event. Tony can't wait to tell Emily all about himself. Chris wants that rose SO BAAAD! Pretty much like the way he wants everything else. Emily calls him attractive and his head explodes, along with everyone else's. And then it's Jef With One F... Oh, Jef. Lady Killa Jef. Jef is starting to kill me, y'alls. Jef is the kid at Y camp that every other girl is in love with so you don't want to be in love with because come on but then he talks to you once while standing in line at the canteen and he actually seems really nice and sweet and he smiles at you once and then all of a sudden you're madly in love with him and crying on the way home from camp because you don't know if you'll ever see him again. And Jef knows this. It is obvious that Jef knows the effect he has on girls, but unlike Ryan, it doesn't seem to be a power that he uses for evil. Instead, he simply plays it cool...and by holding back, he's putting Emily on the wooing side and has got her worrying about whether or not Jef is into her. As the rest of us Bachelor Scholars will attest to, this is a classic yet supremely successful ploy.

Stevie gets gross by slow dancing with Emily, and the guys all sneak up to watch and laugh. Kraken makes Stevie hate him even more by breaking it up. Emily kind of shows that she's also got some game by using the same line of a couple of guys "Today I was kind of like, 'Where's ___?' What's going on with him?" Which is annoying but works like a charm. Kraken admits that he's never really had to compete for the attention of a woman, which is just so...god, this guy is an asshole, right? Like, he's a complete asshole. And then Biology Aaron tries to break in and Kraken is all, "just give me 2 minutes, good sir" and Aaron's like, "Go fuck yourself" so then Kraken tries to make himself look like the chivalrous one by slinking away. But then he whines to the guys about it and Stevie's like, "I hate you so much" and while everyone else agrees with him, we still get to witness this really awkward trading-of-the-barbs which somehow ends up making both Stevie and Kraken look even more like idiots.

So the rose comes up and Tony wants Emily to know more about himself but she doesn't give him a chance and instead makes a speech about who she's going to give the rose to and gives the rose to Jef With One F, who looks at her and is like, "Yeah?" like he TOTALLY WASN'T EVEN LISTENING TO A WORD SHE WAS SAYING! Touche, Jef With One F. Touche x 1000.

There's No Room For Joe At The Greenbrier

For the second date, Emily picked High Energy Joe. They fly off in a private jet to the Greenbrier in West Virginia, one of her favorite places in the entire world. The star of the date is the Greenbrier - a resort that Emily has been going to since she was a little girl (btw? This place is freaking ridiculous). They jump into a 100-year-old pool in coordinating swimsuits.

Which is a great sequeway for The Guys Left Behind, where Kraken says a bunch of stupid stuff about his feelings when it comes to being with a woman who has a child and Parent Expert Doug gets all huffy and defensive about Kraken saying that he "gave up being a dad for three months" to come on the show, even though he did, but Kraken needs to step back and think about what he said (even though he didn't really say anything except that Doug wasn't going to be home with his son for three months, and it's the same tired argument we've had every single season where someone gets pissy about their kid and someone else is like, dude, you made a choice to be here for 3 months instead of at home, and everyone else just rolls their eyes and goes to the bar for another drink).

photo via blog.zapit.com

Back to the date! Emily comes down the staircase in a dress, they go to dinner, she asks Joe some tough questions that he doesn't quite answer, they put some notes into the love clock, and then Emily starts crying (and OF COURSE she's a pretty crier, right? Like, of course she's not the kind of girl who screws up her face all weird or gets super ugly when she cries. Emily cries and all of our hearts break with her, because she's beautiful and perfect and our only hope for a fair world is that she turns out to be a Nexus 6 Replicant who has learned emotion from being fed fake memories). She doesn't feel sparks with Joe, even though everyone else watching (me) thinks Joe is kind of great and that she's just not giving him a chance. The main reason, though, is that even though he's a great guy she just doesn't see him fitting into her Everyday Life, so she cries and Joe gets it and drives off in a limo and then fireworks go off and it proves that Emily is taking this seriously, you guys! She's NOT playing around! She's got a daughter to think of.

"Cock"tail Party Time!

The cocktail party is kind of boring EXCEPT that, in Tony's quest for Emily to get to know who he really is, he tries to interrupt time between Emily and Ryan and gets caught standing there and having to listen while Emily read aloud a SEVEN PAGE LETTER FROM RYAN. Seriously, this guy is SUCH a douche! Please, everybody, stop writing letters and notes to the Bachelor/Bachelorette. We did that in Middle School. We shall not do that no'moh! So it was awkward and uncomfortable but then Tony FINALLY got to tell Emily about who he is. Which is basically that he's also a father, so that means that there should be an instant connection and Emily should fall in love with him, because single mothers and fathers always fall in love with each other.

And then Kraken gets more time with Emily, which means that we have to stare at his fish face some more, which sucks. Also, just so everyone knows, he's like an old man so that's why he doesn't really relate to girls his age because their interests are just "different." Stevie The Dancing Elf talks some more about how much he hates Kraken. The surprising part is that Sean The Insurance Agent is starting to get some more camera time, which is not a bad thing. Sean also talks about Kraken and how he likes to use his vocabulary to "show dominance in the household" which is an intelligence and courteous way of saying that Kraken is a pretentious douche, which he confirms in the next scene by declaring that he now feels "mentally refreshed" after his time with Emily. GOD I HATE THIS GUY.

The Rose Ceremony begins, and Biology Aaron and Kyle get the boot. They talk a bunch about how hard it is to get their heart broken by someone they've known a week, and then it's The End.

BUT! I also tuned into Jimmy Kimmel after the show last night, and TOTAL DRAMA BOMB - Emily let it drop that there is definitely a guy on the show who was angling to get dumped in a sympathetic manner so he could be the next Bachelor. My pick for the culprit is Real Housewife Ryan. Because duh.

Also, let's compare Jimmy Kimmel's Top 4 picks with my Top 5 picks -

Jimmy's - 
Jef
Sean
Arie
Ryan

Mine - 
Jef
Ryan
Arie
Michael
Alejandro

Typically I always have one pick who shows up really well in the First Episode/draft but ends up playing poorly the rest of the season. Michael and Alejandro are at the bottom of my roster right now. I kind of wish I could switch out one of them for Sean...Kimmel's spot on with that prediction, I think.

How about you? Who are your Top 5 picks?

I don't know yet if we're getting back together. Right now we're still just talking things over. But...it looks good, you guys. It looks really, really good.

So the other day John Mayer showed up on Ellen.



As some of you might remember, John and I...well. It's pretty safe to say that we were in love. And then...it felt like he was going everything he could to push me away, you know? And there's only so much that a heart can take. John knows this...it's like...I don't know...slow dancing in a burning room or something.

So I did my best to forget about him. I moved on. I would hear about him every once in a while...that he was recording a new album, had moved out to the country, had taken to growing out his hair and wearing a weird hat...and while I found myself wondering and worrying sometimes (really, John? Let's maybe talk about that hair and the hat...), I had to let go. I had to just let his name pass on through like a train in the night. Like I had said before, he had done this to himself. 

But then he showed up on Ellen. And there was just something...different about him... He seemed reflective. Introspective. Maybe a little regretful of all the things he had done to push away the ones who loved him. I guess vocal cord surgeries change a person... I don't know. It just seems like he's changed. Grown up. Become a better man.

And then he started talking about The Bachelor and I started to remember everything I had once so loved about him.



So. I don't know, you guys...I'm not going to say that everything is fine again and we're back to where we once were. We're gonna take things slow for now. There's a lot of healing that still needs to happen...and just because he made a few cracks on Ellen about rose ceremonies doesn't mean I've forgotten all of those long, lonely nights of silence on Twitter or the empty space his blog once occupied in my Google Reader. But maybe I can forgive. If he can change...maybe I can, too, you know?

MCA tribute: Kids re-enact Beastie Boys' "Sabotage" video

Bam!

'The Bachelorette' Premiere Recap: Meet My Millionaires!

Since the moment it was announced and confirmed, I have been suuuper excited about Emily Maynard's debut as The Bachelorette. Her power was first recognized when, while watching the premiere of The Bachelor: Brad's From Texas season, a male friend made us replay her saying "I'm Emily. I'm from Virginia" in her sweet southern lilt over and over (and then over) again. And then...her story! Which made us all cry. And then...the way she looked! Which made me want to hate her.  But then...the way she acted and dressed and smiled! Which was sweet but not dumb, sexy but not slutty, pretty but not vapid. She was perfect. If I believed in robots, I would say that she was a Nexus 6 and should probably be retired for the good of the universe.

I just threw down not one but TWO Blade Runner references, a movie that I just watched this week but have decided to casually reference all the time so that you don't question my upbringing or the quality of my parent's child-rearing skills (because really, parents. That's the one movie that I didn't get to see as a kid? But Night of the Living Dead was cool when I was 5 and we lived across the street from the cemetery?)

So anyway. Newly-Separated-From-His-Wife Chris Harrison opens the season by announcing that this season of The Bachelorette will be very different than any other season BECAUSE THIS TIME HE'S SINGLE AND WILL FINALLY BE THE ONE TO BANG THE BACHELORETTE!

Just kidding. It's because she has a kid. Which is actually not that different, since The Bachelor: Jason Cries had a kid, too. The only thing that makes it different is that Emily didn't jump at the chance to do it and they moved the production to totally boring Charleston versus totally boring Somewhere On The Beach In California.

This Is Emily's Life. It's Probably A Lot Better Than Yours, Besides The Whole "The Love of My Life Was Killed In a Plane Crash & Then Afterwards I Found Out I Was Pregnant With His Child" Part.

As we all know, every season opens with a segment of "I'm about to embark on a journey that leads to true love." This one finds Emily wearing an unfortunate sweater and doing stuff with her daughter, Sammy or Jesse or Ricki...some little girl who has a boy's name which was also her dad's name. Who's cute. Which is a relief, right? We've all seen that really pretty mom and her ugly daughters - Demi Moore comes to mind - and it's never an arrangement where we're like, "Oh. Well good. Hopefully all those comparisons about your mother being prettier than you will drive you to do better in school." The one unexpected twist of this reliable "This is my life" season opener is that Emily sums up her story in about 3 sentences. Which is a surprise, since you'd think the producers would want to draw it out as to build sympathy from viewers who didn't watch her on Brad's season, and to also cement that whole "I've been hurt before" backdrop that seems to be crucial when we're 10 episodes in and trying to remember why the hell we're supposed care about this fickle fuck who keeps kissing everyone and but then gets rid of all the good ones (Aka, The Bachelor: Ben Doesn't Have a Dad).

But then, later, as she's talking to Chris Harrison, she mentions that she doesn't want to dwell on her story that much because she's tired of talking about it and she's moved past it. Which is refreshing. You guys remember Tenley? The dancer girl on The Bachelor: Jake Flies a Plane who used every single moment to talk about her "past" as a divorcee? Yeah.

Hey Girl, I'm Just Like That Guy You Loved Who Died

courtesy of wetpaint.com

So then we get to know some of the guys. This used to be a sure fire way of sussing out who was going to be on the show at least past the first episode, but the producers got wise to this and now it's just a cheap way to play with our emotions once again.

First, we meet Kalon, a "Luxury Brand Consultant" who got his start dealing cocaine to the popular rich kids at mansion pool parties and tries to ignore you when you ask him if his mom ever told the Halibut she made love to that she named their love child "Kalon."

Then it's time to meet some athletic guy who runs with his dog, whose name I forgot when he took his shirt off.

Then we meet Tony, who has a kid. You will be surprised to know that his son is the best thing that ever happened to him. Usually guys go on TV and say, "I thought it was going to suck, this whole having a kid business, but it turned out to be alright." But not this guy! Kids are great, everybody. Emily gets it. Tony also has two thumbs and is going to end up with Emily, just in case you were wondering.

Oh my stars, it's a black person! Lerone - who is black! There is a black person on The Bachelor - is a black businessman who is also black.

And then there's David. David is a singer songwriter from New York who wears scarves. And! GET THIS - he actually writes songs about trying to find true love! He's fucked.

Charlie, you should know, was in an accident recently. I'm sure we'll hear more about this throughout the entire series. Seemed like a nice guy. But then he ended with "I may have a head injury, but there's nothing wrong with my heart!"

...And that's when I knew he had to die.

Anyway! Then there's Jef. Not "Jeff"...this guy? He doesn't conform to your bullshit standards about what names are supposed to have one "f" or two. Jef looks like a baby, and he LIKES THAT about himself. He knows that because of the way he dresses and acts, nobody takes him seriously...BUT THAT IS FINE WITH HIM, because he LIKES being underestimated, everybody. And he proves it by being the CEO of a bottled water company that sounds a lot like Ted's shoes but is about water that you can drink instead of ugly shoes you can wear. Jef also skateboards. And still looks like a baby doing it. A very rich, hip, skateboarding, non-conformist baby.

Cue in Arie, the "I'm just like the guy who died" race car driver guy, and then that's it with the "Hey, here's a look into the lives of the bachelors you may or may not get to know better later, depending on a very complex algorithm of chemistry and ratings."

Meet My Millionaires!

courtesy of blog.zap2it.com

Finally it's time for Emily to meet the men. She's adorably nervous, but you probably wouldn't have been able to tell due to your head exploding over the amazing dress she was wearing. The guys come in and it's a lot of "You look amazing", "It's nice to meet you", "I'll see you inside", "I can't wait to inseminate you", blah blah blah.  Here's the highlights, with my notation of "#Top5" in hashtags to signify which guys are my Top 5 Fantasy Bachelorette Picks -

There were the usual antics, like how Jackson hit his knee and told Emily that "life was not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." Surprisingly, Emily did not pick up a nearby stone and smack him across the face with it. Then Tony came in with a pillow and glass slipper. Yawn. Stevie The Dancing Elf came in with a boom box because he wanted to make Emily smile. The cameras, thankfully, did not show Emily puking into the bushes, even though we all know that's what happened. Randy did the "I brought my Grandma" gag which was actually hilarious and creative, and Travis brought an ostrich egg, though I didn't pay attention to why he did that or what Emily said about it because it was fucking dumb. Chris brought a bobblehead of himself and one of Emily, so they could act out their feelings through dolls. I don't really feel the need to add my own commentary to that.

Then the helicopter comes. I, personally, was hoping it was Lou Ferrigno, coming to tell us and Emily that he gives a hundred and ten percent and that he's more than just the Hulk, he's also a motivational speaker and a driven person who, by the way, gives a hundred and ten percent. But alas, it was Kalen The Kraken, who didn't realize that by arriving on a helicopter, he would make a sworn enemy of Stevie The Dancing Elf, who obviously has something against helicopters and luxury brands. Despite his best efforts to arrive in a helicopter, Kalen does not get the First Impression Rose, proving once again that sometimes the producers of this show are not total assholes. 

And then there was Doug. Doug, according to my domestic partner, looks like a cross between Sven Svengaard and Cro Magnon. Doug also has a kid, you guys. And he REALLY wants to connect with Emily on this. So much so that, during one-on-one time, he showed Emily that he had his "kid" write her a note about how awesome "his dad" is. And won the First Impression Rose because of it, which was annoying for the fact that now we have to keep hearing about his kid.

Photo courtesy of buzzsugar.com

There's a guy named Alejandro and a guy named Alessandro (from Minneapolis!). Both make me think of Lady Gaga and hot candle wax, for some reason. Both of them are Latin. Both of them are handsome in their own way. Only one of them is a mushroom farmer, which is too bad for the one who is not, because as we all know, the ladies lose it for mushroom farmers. Thus, he is also a #Top5.

There's a guy, John, whose nickname is "Wolf." And yes, he's hot, even though HIS NICKNAME IS WOLF. #Top5

Jef, the baby CEO of water and charity stuff, chucked his skateboard into the bushes like a baby rebel and then strolled up to Emily, all cool and charming and confident, and suddenly he didn't look so much like a baby as the guy you have a huge crush on despite yourself. He is smooooth, this one. Before you can even blink, Emily's confessing to the camera that she hopes he doesn't think she's a nerd and that he likes her too. Oy. This game is over before it even started. #Top5

Michael, aka, Music Mike from Austin, aka Cut Your Damn Hair, is another #Top5 pick. Ryan is a Pro Sports Trainer and must have been the guy we saw earlier who took his shirt off. He's super cute. Totally Emily's type. Wrote some dumb note for Emily which was really just a ploy to flash a piece of paper that read YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL to all the girlfriends he left at home. #Top5

Arie meets Emily and Emily's like, "heeeey there" and things look good until they get some one-on-one time, when Arie decides to confide in her. He's worried that the fact that he races will bother her and drive them apart (get it? "DRIVE them apart." Hope you got that joke). Emily looks at him and is like, "Have you ever heard of The Google? Did you not do your research like the rest of the Americas?" Because if he had, he would know that Emily is a girl who likes boys who likes cars. "It's not that I'm worried that you're fast," Emily purrs, as she presses her body closer to his, her pert yet soft bosoms rising and falling faster with every beat of her heart, with each intake and release of her warm, sweet breath. "It's that I'm worried you're not fast enough." And then Arie cries out and ejaculates into his pants and the camera pans back to a group of guys talking about "the journey" again.

So then the rose ceremony begins and everyone make the cut except for singer/songwriter David, which is sad because I was kind of looking forward to referring to him as Douchebag David. Also eliminated from True Love Forevermore is this guy Brent, who has as many moles on his face as he has kids (6), marine biologist Jean-Paul, Black Lerone (two Latin guys are enough diversity, everybody. Let's not go crazy with the Equal Opportunity and force ABC reflect the outside world against its will), Grandma Guy, some guy I didn't even notice, and another guy who ends up taking his shirt off during the Camera Time of The Dumped and is like, "this is what you're missing, Emily." Or maybe the guy I didn't even notice and Dumped Chest guy are the same person. Who cares. They're/he's gone, as is their will to live and love again...

Then the preview for the season comes. There's some drams with a faceless guy insinuating that Emily has baggage because she has a kid, only someone says takes it to mean that Emily's kid *is* her baggage, and then it cuts to EMILY TELLING SOMEONE TO GET THE FUCK OUT!!! Then there's a lot of kissing and castles and beaches and Jef obviously wears skinny peach pants at some point during all of this.

Tune in next week (to the blog. This one. The one you're reading right now) and all season to get the extremely accurate and non-biased run-down on The Bachelorette: No She's Not Baby, She's Emily, Miss Maynard If You're Nasty!

Things You Should Know When You Follow Me On Pinterest

1) I will never make even 10% of the crap I pin onto my "She's Crafty!" board. I think 100% of the projects are super neat, and and in my mind I like to think I'm the type of girl who can wield a glue gun and some yarn and make a project worthy of friend's "wow's" and maybe a local magazine spread, but I'm not. If you were to drive me to Michael's, find all the craft materials, buy them, take me to Starbucks and buy me a coffee, and then bring me back to your house to make me with them, I'd probably be game. But otherwise I mostly just pin them on that board to share them with you, so that you can make them for me as gifts to display in my home that I can smile mysteriously over - I'm not lying by not saying that I didn't make them and you did, right? - when people give me gushing compliments on how crafty and ingenious they are.

2) Same goes for the "Eat me" board. First of all, I'm not even supposed to consume sugar. Second, I'm still riding the wave of showing up to parties with decorative toothpicks stuck into a Totino's Party Pizza (it's pizza. For a party. It even says that in the name!). So pretty much the "Eat me" board is more of a dream board.

3) Same goes for the nail-painting ideas on my "So Stylistic" board. The last time I painted my nails was probably sometime back in 2008.

4) Even though I may pin stuff like wedding dresses, reception ideas, beautiful decorative cakes, or cool photo sessions, it doesn't mean that I'm using that stuff to plan my not-scheduled-as-of-yet wedding. Maybe I'm using it to plan your wedding!

5) You will know my inner dork heart by the photos of puppies and babies-dressed-up-like-piglets I pin with a practically auible "Aaaaawwwww! Cuuuuuuuuuute!" Yeah. I do that kind of stuff there. It's a safe, sharing place for me where those sorts of things are okay.

If you're alright with all of this, then let's be Pinterest friends. If you're not...well then, excuse me as I trot off to find more pictures of whale babies.

"Be the best plumber" is obviously the best one.

So awesome.

My president is better than yours.

Sheena Heikkila

[via Zachariah Schaap]