Peace.

Originally written November 5, 2012 -

“But you can’t get to any of these truths by sitting in a field smiling beatifically, avoiding your anger and damage and grief. Your anger and damage and grief are the way to the truth. We don’t have much truth to express unless we have gone into those rooms and closets and woods and abysses that we were told not go in to. When we have gone in and looked around for a long while, just breathing and finally taking it in – then we will be able to speak in our own voice and to stay in the present moment. And that moment is home.”

- Ann Lamott  

Sometimes all you can do is ask for peace. In the past couple of weeks, I've been reading a lot of Marianne Williamson...it's been funny, how I'll be struggling with something, and then I'll open A Return To Love and find the exact answer to the thing with which I'm struggling. "Ask for peace of mind," she writes, when talking about goals and life vision and daily life quandaries. Because that's all there is, isn't it? When you're asking for something, you're merely asking for the vehicle that will bring you peace, comfort, and happiness. So why not just ask for peace first?

So I did. I went to my meditation pillow and put the words I've written here into practice and allowed myself to just process though this stuff. And I asked for peace. No matter what has happened or what will happen, I just want peace. Every day I felt that same old pain, I brought it back to a request for peace. Please just give me some peace of mind. It even became kind of a hilarious mantra...every time I started to feel sad or disillusioned or angry, I'd breathe through it and then bring it back to my intention, thinking "PEACE!" inside my head, the way my favorite rapper says it right before he drops the mic. Big and loud and fuckin' powerful.

And then I got some. 

It was a big day. A Course In Miracles says there is no order of difficulty in miracles, and yesterday was definite proof of that. I will be forever grateful for the courage it took for a particular person to reach out, because it changed everything. Everything. I got the peace I was looking for. I got the closure I so wanted. I got the information I needed to move on, to fully release the things I was holding on to - the sadness, regret, confusion, and anger. That stuff is no longer mine to keep. I still have some things to work out on my own, but I don't have to feel bad about this anymore. And I'm not going to. I'm going to forgive and move on, and I'm going to hold gratitude that things turned out exactly the way they did. I know it's still going to be a process, with its own set of peaks and valleys, but today I woke up for the first time and didn't feel pain about this.

And that is a miraculous thing.