Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The Bachelor, Episode 4 Recap: A Slow Dance For No One


Welcome to the fourth episode of The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, & You! 

Last night, mountains were climbed, the divide between Muslims and Christians got a little smaller thanks to quality reality programming, a Bachelor producer got fired for coming up with a horrible, horrible idea for a group date, and a redux of Pretty Woman turned out pretty much the exact opposite way of how the real story should turn out.

Ready to get beat down by love? Then make the jump once again into this amazing journey!

In a stunning departure from the season, the episode opens not with a shirtless Sean, but with Chris Harrison. Chris comes into the living room to find the girls in pajamas, most of them with no makeup on, because who cares about cameras or national TV, right? Chris notes that there are only 13 girls left, and that Sean still feels that he sees his future wife "in this room."

Ha ha! Hahahahaha! 

So he hands out the date card...BUT WAIT! There's Sean again, walking around not only with his shirt off, but in his underwear. 

It's like...producers, man. They make our dreams come true, sometimes. 

So Sean says a bunch of stuff about finding his future wife and being really excited about the girls, blah blah blah, and we cut to the girls again, where Lesley M. is reading the date card, which ends up being for Selma. Which makes Leslie H. start crying, because she just really wants a date. So she cries. We're not even 5 minutes in and somebody's crying already!

That's how you know it's going to be a good episode.

Climbing Up Blue Ball Mountain

Sean and Selma leave for their date...in gym clothes. Because nothing like getting dressed up for a date, right? Luckily for Selma - and luckily for Sean - Selma's rocking a pretty amazing pair of boobs in that outfit, which kind of makes me feel like a lot of girls are going to suggest more "active" dates from here on out so they can do the same thing (or, maybe that's just me...). Selma is practically sitting on Sean's lap in the limo, she drops how much she weighs (110 pounds, if you must know), and when they - surprise! - pull up to a private plane, she makes a joke about wanting to know if every day is going to be like this, because she's never watched an episode of The Bachelor, ever, and has no idea that this is the stuff that builds unrealistic expectations and then is also to blame when the "relationship" comes crashing down around their feet only weeks afterward. 

But whatever, right? Private planes and red carpets everyday, for everybody!

The plane ride isn't much different. I liked Selma in the past episodes, but I started getting kind of skeezed out by how she was literally almost lying across Sean's lap. And the fact that she joked, again, about whether this is how they're going to travel every time. Because hahahahaha, no one's a gold digger on this show!

So they land in the desert, and Selma starts freaking a little bit, because she cannot handle heat. 

I could insert a joke here about her heritage, but I'm not going to, because I'm not a monster. Even though I find it...interesting. But anyway! Please give me credit for this display of self-control later. 

So they get in a jeep, roll through the desert, and arrive at Joshua Tree National Park. Sean tells us that he really wanted to take this glamorous girl out of her element, and so he suggests to her that they go rock climbing, even though Selma is terrified of heights. But no matter! Sean wants to take her out of her element, and what better way than to do that than put her in an awkward, uncomfortable, and potentially dangerous situation?!

Guys. STOP DOING THIS SHIT. 

Sean mentions that Selma is pint-sized and might have some trouble getting up, but he could just strap her onto his back and climb for the both of them, which is...pretty freaking hot. So Selma's climbing up this rock mountain in the middle of the desert, and she's kind of struggling at first, and then says that Sean gave her this adrenaline and this courage to do it! and she powers up. Sean starts to feel like he's trying to scramble just to keep up with her. The camera gives us a great angle shot of her boobs as she climbs, because they are obviously not struggling to keep up with her. 

They make it to the top, and Selma feels like she really conquered one of her fears. Sean hugs her from behind as they look out onto the desert below, and she start cooing and purring "Baby...look at this" and it's just like...please speak Arabian (Arabic?) again. Please talk in a way that doesn't make me want to punch you just so you shut up. But nope! She keeps doing it, which is gross.

Sean suggests they go to dinner, and tells us that he's sure Selma thinks they're going to go somewhere really glamorous to have dinner, but instead, he's decided to do something different. 

She just rock climbed a fucking mountain for you, Sean! She just did the thing that she didn't want to do. The least you could do is give up a portion of the date to something she wants. I HATE when guys do this. And The Bachelor is the worst at it - stop testing girls, guys. Stop putting them in awkward positions to see how they come through. Because we're going to start doing that to you, and you know what it's going to look like? It's going to look like Leaving You Alone With My Best Friend For Twenty Minutes While I Take A Phone Call. It's going to look like Making You Go Fishing With My Dad For The Afternoon. It's going to look like Hey My Boyfriend And All My Friends, Let's Go On A Trip Somewhere Secluded And Stay In Close Proximity With Each Other, Even When We're Sleeping, All Weekend Long. 

Get it? GOOD.

So he drives them to the middle of nowhere, and it ends up being this weird...RV park? Airstream graveyard? Basically, it's a bunch of campers with different themes set in a circle, like the redneck version of Stonehenge. Selma calls it Country Glam, though, right before she drapes herself all over Sean and purrs something incomprehensible. But wait! All this suffocating physical affection and baby talk contained in a pint-sized body holds a secret! 

You see, Selma grew up in a very conservative, strict, Arabic home. Her family puts a lot of pressure on her and her life, and she was born a Muslim. So when Sean tells her that he wants to kiss her and she tells him that she can't, he gets it right away - "So your parents are very strict?" She tells him that her mom wasn't very happy about her being on the show, and the idea that she would kiss someone on TV? Not okay. 

Draping yourself all over a guy totally must be, though! 

Luckily for her, Sean understands, and told us that he's happy to wait for her, and that he can see her being the one (good, because I was worried that just after one date, that you wouldn't be able to see that). Unluckily for her, it's super freaking annoying to keep talking to someone about how you want to kiss them but won't. Which is pretty much what she preceded to do for the rest of their date.

Roller Derby Of Love

Group date time! For A Good Time Call Daniella reads the card - "let's roll with the punches" - while Temper Tantrum Tierra complains that it's time for Sean to step up and spend some time with her. Sean obviously doesn't feel the same, though, because it looks like Temper Tantrum Tierra is going on a date with 7 other ladies! 

The Three Faces of Amanda is all smiles, though, about going on a group date with Sean, and this is how we learn that when The Three Faces of Amanda smiles, babies cry. 

One-Armed Sarah talks some more about how this is her her time to shine and show Sean she can go with it, that having one arm isn't going to hold her back. Yawn. Can we please just talk about her favorite bands or something now? 

The girls arrive with Sean to find out that their group date consists of roller derby! However, for the record, this is not Lifetime Original AshLee's cup of tea. She doesn't do anything adventurous, outside of pushing girls down the stairs and tying men up to headboards before she sets their houses on fire. But tough, Lifetime Original AshLee, because the whole date is going to center around learning the game and then having a real bout at the end of the day. Tempter Tantrum Teirra is excited because she can knock some bitches down, a comment that surprises no one.

Unlike Lifetime Original Movie AshLee, The Three Faces of Amanda wants to win. According to the other girls, she's even done Roller Derby before.

"Amanda, have you done this before?" Sean asks.
She smiles, some babies cry, and she nods her head. 
"I haven't actually done it before," she tells the camera. "I just told that to the other team to freak them out." 

The girls are biting it left and right on roller skates, which I sympathize with, because I went to a roller skating party for my friend Matt's birthday a couple years ago and I fell so hard I had a bruise the size of Bridal Betty's ego. Amanda's killing it, though: she's going fast and Teirra's going fast, and I'm watching and I'm thinking...do the craziest people know how to roller skate the best? Someone should do a research study and collect data on that to find out! 

Meanwhile, One-Armed Sarah only has one arm still, so she's having a really hard time keeping her balance on skates. She ends up falling really hard, and she breaks down. "It's really hard in moments like this, when I just want to be normal." And it is pretty sad, and my heart breaks for her, because again, I'm not a total monster. Lifetime Original Movie AshLee comforts her, and tells us that to her, Sarah has no disability. And we might believe her, but then we remember that every psycho chick in every Lifetime Original Movie ever made had some kind of friend or brother or elderly man that she pretended to be sweet to in order to throw people off her evil trail, so we're not buying it this time, AshLee!

Sean sees that Sarah's upset, so he goes over to talk to her and he tells her that if she doesn't feel comfortable, to screw it and just hang out with him. Which I totally would have taken, because I've seen roller derby before, and bitches be brutal out there. Plus, more time with Sean while the other girls are getting their asses handed to them?! What better offer, right?! But no. Sarah doesn't want special treatment. So she puts her gear back on, she gets back out there, and she falls again.

Meanwhile, The Three Faces of Amanda is totally feeling it at practice, and feels like the other team might be a little freaked out by how good she is. Until she totally wipes out on her face, which is so freaking hilarious that you couldn't pay a producer to organize better comedy gold. But uh oh! Amanda might have broken her chin, so they call for the whaaaabulance. 

There sure are a lot of 911 calls this season, aren't there? And it won't be the last one, Lifetime Original Movie AshLee thinks to herself, as she eyes the other girls...

So The Three Faces of Amanda gets carted off to the psych ward emergency room, and Sean decides that this might be too dangerous (ya think?!), so he calls the bout off and suggests that they all do free skate instead. Someone turns on "Foolish Heart" by Steve Perry and the kids all start skating around, holding hands and doing tricks on wheels and making out by the concession stand, and it is awesome.

The group date moves to a place where there's drinks and apparently a hot tub, and Temper Tantrum Tierra tells us that she wants to feel closer to Sean, "but when it comes to being around the girls, I lose my mind." Really?! But you seemed so even-keeled up until now! 

One-Armed Sarah and Sean talk about her arm again.

The girls sit around and talk about the derby, and Tierra is quiet and snotty until she starts throwing a tantrum again. She's been on three group dates so far, and she is TIRED of them. 

Amanda comes in wearing an awful outfit, and Sean pulls her away to talk to her. He tells she looks cute (she doesn't), and Amanda tells us that she's fine, but she loves the sympathy card and she plays dirty, so she's going to milk it for all it's worth. What it's worth: A kiss on the chin. She makes some joke about how she should have told him she had her tonsils out and then sticks out her tongue and mimes the kind of french kissing that I can't ever get out of my head, ever ever ever.

Meanwhile, back at the Lady Ranch, the date card comes and For A Good Time Call Daniella tells us that she's tired of waiting for a date with Sean. Maybe if she dyed her roots, she'd get one, but since she hasn't, Leslie H. is the lucky winner. Along with a date, she also got a pair of diamond earrings to wear on their first date, and she screams that it's just like in Pretty Woman, her favorite movie, and that's when we all know that her date is going to be Pretty Woman themed, because that's exactly the kind of unrealistic fantasy that this show loves to serve up as reality.

Back to the group date: 

Robyn is an adult, and acts like one. 

Temper Tantrum Tierra is also an adult, but does not. 

Something was said or not said, and Tierra says a bunch of crazy shit about other girls and how she's not going to stoop to their level, and is even mean to One-Armed Sarah about it, which is not okay. She throws another tantrum again and jumps up and grabs a producer and asks her if she can leave, that she wants to go. Goes to look for Sean, who is presently kissing Lindsay. Tierra cries on camera that she can't take the fakeness from any of those girls anymore. Lindsay and Sean decide to go in the hot tub. Tierra, meanwhile, is breaking down inside! She's holding it all in and that's not fair! And she can't be tortured like this! She doesn't deserve iiiiiiiiiit!
Don't you just kind of want to punch her when you see her face like this? We shouldn't hit five year olds, though.
Lindsay and Sean walk out to go into the hot tub, but Tierra accousts Sean first. Lindsay walks back to where the girls are and they're all like, shiiiiiiiit.
Tierra tells Sean that she can't do it, and she has to sit everyday wondering how much time she's going to get with him, and living with those women is torture, it's seriously torture! And it's hard to think about him going on amazing adventures and it's so HARD. Sean tells her that he's been worried about her from the beginning, and knows it's tough, but that he really wants her to stay. Tierra starts to soften, says that it's because she's so sensitive and emotional (she forgot the part about being crazy) and totally manipulates the situation. Sean gets all smooth and says, "You know what I know? You like me and wanna spend more time with me. Wanna know how I know? By the way you look at me." Tierra drops another guilt line about there being 27 other girls, and how she just needs some time without any of this. Sean says that he'll be back, and Teirra sits there, raises her eyebrow, and starts smiling, because she knows that she totally got the rose. Sean grabs the rose, and all the girls and all of America are like, "WHAT THE SHIT." Sean thinks Teirra has a lot of self-doubt, but feels like he really likes her, and if she goes home, he'll always wonder what might have been. He tells Tierra he wants to see where this goes because he's crazy about her, so he gives her the rose. She says yes and cries and hugs him, and women everywhere throw their remotes at the TV, because now we have actual proof that even great guys like Sean can still get totally blinded and manipulated by crazy psycho bitches like Tierra. 

Pretty Woman...That I'd Like To Walk Down Rodeo/Pretty Woman...That I'd Like To Send Home In A Limo

Leslie H. is not only excited for her one-on-one date with Sean, but she also confesses that, the night before, she slept with those diamond earrings under her pillow. But she would rather have Sean and her forever than those diamond earrings, and that's pretty big, because holy moly, she LOOOOVES diamonds. And using the words "holy moly."

Sean picks her up in a sports car, they drive to Beverly Hills, and sure enough, they arrive at a designer boutique (I know the designer but I'm too lazy to spell-check his name so just imagine it's whomever you would want it to be, kay? My gift to you.) as Sean tells her that the theme of their date is Pretty Woman. She tries on dresses, uses a lot of dumb phrases like, "winner winner chicken dinner", is given shoes, earrings, a purse, and finally, a necklace (on borrow) from Neil Lane, The Official Jeweler Of The Bachelor

I don't dislike Leslie. But she's so...hyper? She seems really nice, and in that dress, she does look really pretty. But it seems more like her and Sean are just really good buds - like best friends all through college, etc - and sure enough, Sean tells us that if he was ever going to have romantic feelings for Leslie, tonight would be the night...which basically means that tonight is not the night.  

Which the girls back at the Lady Ranch also know and are discussing, in a hilarious scene where Temper Tantrum Tierra decides to take it upon her to explain how the house works to the other ladies - "the ones he feels a connection to, he'll keep around, and the ones that he doesn't, he'll send home." - while stuffing her face with Doritos.

During dinner, Sean holds up the rose and basically waves it in Leslie's face while telling her that he likes her and wants to feel a romantic connection to her, but just doesn't, and after she's opened up about her wanting to get married only once (which, like, big deal. Who doesn't say that they only want to get married only once? You know who else has said that? Everyone I know who have since gone through a divorce) he doesn't want to let her go any further if he doesn't feel that she could end up being his wife, so he just can't give her the rose. "You know, this rose. The rose I'm holding right here. See this rose? This one. This rose. Sorry. Can't give it to you. The rose I'm holding right in front of your face? Not going to be yours."
Source: Mel Got Served
 You can tell he feels awful about sending her Leslie home, and to her credit, she handles it with grace and dignity. Before she gets in the limo, though, she has to take the Neil Lane necklace off and give it back to him, which is awkward. And then, because she actually knows how to do this sort of thing, KACIE, Leslie tells Sean to watch out for some of the other girls, because some of them are not there for the right reasons, and she knows that he is, and so she just really wants him to find his wife.

Sean walks back into the building made of balconies to find another live music performance happening, but NO ONE IS THERE TO SLOW DANCE TO IT! So he walks up to the balcony while a Sade acoustic cover plays softly in the background and he thinks about how bad he feels, while Leslie says once again that she would give back all the stuff from today - diamond earrings, the dress, the shoes, the purse, the sports car ride, the slow dance in the designer boutique, the romantic meal, the bottle of wine, and the limo ride - to just have more time with Sean. No dice, though, because back at the Lady Ranch, a producer walks in and collects her suitcase to the shock of the girls and the delight of Tierra.

Sean, leaning over the railing on the balcony in a building made of balconies, drops the date rose in the most dramatic rose drop from a balcony ever.

The End.

That One Time When You Decided That Maybe You Didn't Really Like The Taste of Chocolate

Cocktail party time! Temper Tantrum Tierra says some more annoying stuff, Sean walks in and talks to the girls, and then it's time for more amazing "Get some time with you" five-minute-dates before he cuts one of them loose and breaks their heart in the way that you can only break someone's heart after being on maybe one date with them.

Lifetime Original Movie AshLee and Sean go and talk, and AshLee tells him that she feels good about where she is with him right now, but that she wants to stay confident, because she's not willing to step aside and let someone else get through to him. "And if they ever do," she softly whispers, "All the roses will be mine, Sean," "What?" Sean asks. "Oh...I just said that I'm just not going to let those other girls get to me, because I'm...confident." Confident that I'll kill whoever tries, she thinks, as she smiles at Sean again. 

Then it's time for Robyn to ask Sean if he likes chocolate. If he likes the taste of chocolate. If he wants a taste of her chocolate. Wait, what? Are we talking about chocolate here, or something else? Because it's so subtle, and yet creepy. But also kind of funny, and I think Robyn's actually a pretty cool girl, so whatever. But then she kisses him, and...it's kind of like that pity kiss that you had that one time during freshman year in college, when that one guy kissed you and you weren't really feeling it but you didn't want to hurt his feelings so you just suffered through? Yeah. It kind of looked like that for Sean.

Des starts talking to girls about other girls again. What a surprise! Tierra walks by while For A Good Time Call Daniella, Lindsay, and Bridal Betty are talking about her. She goes and sits next to The Three Faces of Amanda and says some more bullshit like, "Don't these girls get sick of talking about me?" and "Robyn attacked me on our group date for no reason" and "It sucks because I'm taking all this blame and heat, and I've never done anything to them." 

So basically she decides to pull aside Robyn and Jackie and give them a non-apology. Because she's not letting any of these girls stop her! She is going to SQUASH this!  And she wishes that everyone would stop reading into what she's doing and why she's doing it, because that's totally how the real world works and it's totally not what people always say when they're doing things that can only be read as total and complete bullshit. Robyn tells her that she accepts her apology and Jackie says she appreciates it, too. Teirra tells us that her apology was definitely fake, definitely forced, but she's too strong of a women and too indepent to let high school stuff get in her way. She came here to win this.

Snore.

The girls talk about Tierra's non-apology while Tierra tells Sean that girls have a hard time accepting her for who she is. Sean tells her that he doesn't think that she causes drama, but that she's her own worst enemy and freaks herself out. Tierra tells him that she doesn't want any of the other girls to come to Sean and change his outlook on her, which should be Sean's first indication that if Tierra were totally on the level and a mature person, that worry wouldn't even cross her mind. Instead, though, Sean tells her that won't happen, which means that he's like every other guy ever who's been on The Bachelor: Because she's cute and hot, he refuses to see her as crazy, but instead chooses to see her as "emotional and passionate."

Meanwhile, Catherine speaks words of wisdom to the other girls and says that unless Tierra's shenanigans are detrimental to her relationship with Sean, nothing needs to be said. YAY! Somebody actually smart in this hizzouse! Catherine gets time with Sean, and it's ADORABLE. Seriously, I think I'm in love with Catherine after last night's episode - she's so naturally pretty and funny and easy-going, and her and Sean have that thing where they seem to be really comfortable around each other yet also really attracted to each other. Which they talk about. Sean tells her that he hopes she's not putting him in the friend zone because they're so comfortable around each other, and she tells him there's no chance of that happening. They talk about kissing, but that she doesn't want to kiss him in front of the other girls, because "it's not appropriate for other people to see" (high-fives, girls with class!), and asks him if they can walk together. They hug and talk more about how much they like each other and then kiss, and it's awesome.

Rose Ceremony time! It gets down to For A Good Time Call Daniella and The Three Faces of Amanda, and this is that moment where I finally understand football, because I'm literally on the edge of my seat, begging Sean to make a touchdown...and then he calls out Daniella's name and I practically jump up and yell and cheer, because CRAZYTOWN IS GOIN' HOOOOOME!

WOOOT! The Three Faces of Amanda says some stuff about being hurt, but I don't really care, so instead I focus on Sean asking the girls to raise their glasses to the continuance of their relationships. Which, there's something just so wrong about the phrase "continuance of our relationships" but that's this show, so whatever.

And! Next week is a double episode week, which means double the espisodes...double the drama.

Alright, so now it's your turn - who do you wish would go home, like, yesterday? Who do you think will make it into the Top Two? What are your thoughts on Tierra maybe dying in the next episode from hypothermia because AshLee pushed her into a freezing lake when no one else was looking? 

And as always, if you liked this recap, please share it with your friends! 

You can also catch more of my incredibly insightful thoughts and opinions about the crucial reality TV issues of our time on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.

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