Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The Bachelor Recap, Episode 2: The Most Undramatic Rose Ceremony EVER!

Welcome to the second episode of The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, and You! Thanks for joining us on this amazing journey, everybody. On this part of The Amazing Journey, we are taken in a helicopter to a dare date...then to a photo shoot group date, and then we cap it off with a little champagne and hot tub action, and round it out with some roses.

Let's review - helicopters, dare date, photo shoot group date, champagne and hot tubs...yep! This is The Bachelor.

More exciting newness after the jump!



Prelude To A Dream (Date)
 Our Absolutely Amazing Journey begins with Sean in a hot, steamy shower after a long, hard workout. He's thoughtful, in the shower...Sean needs a hot and steamy place to, you know...think. As water droplets run down his hard and chiseled man body, he slides his hands through his slick hair and thinks, "Man...I really wish there was a girl named Amber on the show. Ambers are usually so fun and smart, and they make for really great dancers..." Better luck next time, Sean, he thinks sadly to himself as he lets out a deep breath of resignation and turns to shut the shower off. But with any luck, the relationship I come out of this with won't last, and maybe, just maybe, I'll run into a blogger who writes hilarious recaps of my show... He towels off, deep in thought - in faaaantaaaasy - and then laughs to himself. That's absolutely outlandish, Sean! Where are you going to find a girl who's both hilarious and a great dancer, with also a fantastic rack? Stop dreaming, dreamer! Sean shakes his head to himself and laughs again, and finally sets about getting ready for another day with a group of girls not named Amber.

Meanwhile, back at the Lady Ranch, the girls are all hanging out when Chris Harrison bursts in. "Girls! Girls! Get in here, girls!" he thrills. "Girls, can you believe what a DREAMBOAT that Sean is?! He's tall, blonde, and totally handsome! And, the most sincere Bachelor ever! And just who do you think the lucky girl will be who gets to go out on a date with that hunk? I guess you won't know until you get a date card! Oh, but look! What's that in my pocket?" The girls all giggle at Chris teases the date card out of his pocket. "Is this what you're looking for, ladies? Well come and get it!" He throws the card into the air, and as all the girls rush to grab it, he calls out a "Later, bitches!" as he sashays out.

It turns out the one-on-one date is for One-Armed Sarah!

A one-on-one date for One-Armed Sarah.

A ONE-on-ONE date for ONE-Armed Sarah.

Because, you know...she only has ONE arm, and now she gets a ONE-on-ONE date?

Hope you got that joke.

Lifetime Original Movie AshLee says that she's "sort of jealous" when One-Armed Sarah gets the one-on-one date, which obviously means that AshLee's really jealous and probably wants to stab Sarah in the arm.

The only arm she has left, I mean.

Because she only has one arm.

Now, let me be clear: Last week I kind of felt bad about giving Sarah the nickname One-Armed Sarah. This week? Nope, because it's literally ALL SHE TALKS ABOUT. I do think it's courageous of her to come on the show and that she has a lot of depth and awesomeness about only having one arm, and I think she's very sweet and really cute and I actually really do like her, but it's also starting to get a little Tenley-Has-A-Past up in here, so I don't feel bad about the nickname. Because if only having one arm doesn't define you - and we know it doesn't because you're quite obviously awesome - then let's start talking about the stuff that does, yeah?

One-Armed Sarah Might Not Be Able To Do The Helicopter, But She Can Still Fly In One!
Photo: wetpaint.com
So anyway, a helicopter arrives with Sean, and he and One-Armed Sarah climb into the helicopter and go for a ride, because this is how we travel when it's all romance and unrealistic scenarios. They land on top of a skyscraper, and Sean announces that they're going to have a candlelight dinner..."down there" he smirks, raising his eyebrows as he points down at his crotch, which everyone else in America except me takes to mean street level. Which means that they're going to free-fall, everybody, because this is another thing we do on the The Bachelor: We come up with date scenarios that are daring and all stunt-y and raise adrenaline and thus endorphin levels because it's the easiest and most psychologically-stealth way to create close bonds between two people in a short amount of time.

Yeah. I learned that a few years ago, from reading books. Smart books. Sorry if your mind just exploded.

So anyway, One-Armed Sarah is scared but also excited and it's in this moment, right here, that she totally shines and kind of wins America's heart (if she hasn't already). You can tell just by looking at her that she's scared and nervous, but determined to act courageous for Sean, which is just so...this girl has mettle, you know? So Sean offers to put his arm around her and then they sit down on the ledge and kind of inch it off the building together, which was super sweet but it almost made it look even more scary that way, because WHOA - that building was TALL, y'all! "This will be fun," Sean quips, "Just a nice, leisurely fall off a building." (LOVE that guy!). So then they free fall and it actually does look kind of fun, and the sound you heard earlier tonight was every woman in America mentally plotting a scenario where she wears a shiny leather body suit and looks over her shoulder at some hot guy right before she jumps off a tall building, like what happens in every awesome movie with a female heroine ever.

Or, that could have just been me? Either way, free-falling outfits are about to see a drastic rise in profits in the immediate future.

So they have their candlelit dinner, One-Armed Sarah talks some more about how having one arm doesn't hold her back except for that one time when it did in Vegas, and then Sean talks some more about wanting to be a rock, and then they slow dance and One-Armed Sarah tells us privately that she could be falling in love with Sean.

Did you catch that? Falling in love with Sean. After one date. After about maybe six hours together. THIS IS WHAT DARE DATES DO TO YOUR BRAINS, PEOPLE.

The "I Can't Believe This Is The First Time Harlequin Romance Has Showed Up" Date
Photo: wetpaint.com
Group date time! Ford Model Kristy, some girl named Amanda, Bombshell Brooke, Lesley M, For A Good Time Call Daniella, Catherine, Yoga Katie, Kacie, Robyn, Selma, Diana, Teary Taryn, and Tierra are among the 13 lucky ladies who are picked to go on the group date with Sean.

It is also at this time that Tierra declares, "I didn't come here to meet friends", which Historically On The Bachelor means that she's going to end up being the most hated girl in the house while also simultaneously being one of the most favored by the Bach. Tierra is kind of hilarious, though...she reminds me of a rabid toy/tea cup dog...she's so tiny and angry and aggressive that it's actually ridiculous, and you just kind of want to kick her and put her back in her place.

Not that I would EVER kick a dog.

I'd probably kick Tierra, though. 

The group date takes place at a huge mansion, and it's a photo shoot for Harlequin Romance book covers. The girl who appears to have the most chemistry with Sean will get a three-book cover deal. Ford Model Kristy loses her damn mind when she hears this, exclaiming that she is IN HER ELEMENT, to the point where even Yoga Katie says, "Seriously, did you see Kristy's reaction? Homegirl's a little excited to do a photo shoot." Because I don't know if you guys all know this yet, but Kristy is a MODEL. A FORD MODEL.

Just in case you guys didn't know that. But now you do. Now you know that she's a model.

Here's why Tierra is a huge bitch but is also one of those girls who's so bitchy that you kind of just want to pat her on the head for it...the whole time the girls are getting ready, Tierra just makes comments like, "There's some confident girls who are a little overconfident." Robyn admits to the camera that Tierra is driving her crazy - "I do not appreciate her personality." - and homegirl talks about her as she's sitting RIGHT NEXT TO HER in makeup. It's kind of hilarious, and frankly, I didn't think Robyn had it in her. Robyn says to watch the way Tierra is with the girls and then the way she is with Sean, which is a total 180. And of course, we see Tierra talking to Sean, who's teasing her about maybe being a girl who can be a little catty, to which Tierra giggles and protests that she's totally not! Not her! She just hates all the girls and thinks they're all ugly losers and aren't nearly as good for Sean as she could be! Then to the camera, Tierra says something about being smart, but no one in America believes her, because, I mean...evidence to the contrary. 

Sean and Lesley M. are doing a country style cover, and it's pretty hot - Lesley M's body is SLAMMIN', and during their shoot, they're supposed to kiss. So Lesley kisses Sean, and it's seriously the LIGHTEST PECK ever, but still, fire shoots out of Tierra's eyes and her head does a 360 and she levitates from the ground for just a second before remembering that she's supposed to be pretending to be a human girl. The best is when Robyn talks about how, after Lesley's kiss with Sean, it was like a row of glaring eyes, and in confessional, Lesley says, "Hi, Tierra? It was like staring into the eye of the hurricane."

I like that Lesley M!

Then it's Kristy's turn, who is still ECSTATIC about this photo shoot because she's totally IN HER ELEMENT, and she takes the reigns during her "sexy" scene with Sean, and it honestly does look pretty hot. Tierra is NOT going to get upset about it, even though she is really obviously REALLY upset about it, but she is NOT going to get upset, because she's not here to play dress-up, she is here for Sean, and she wants Sean "to see what Tierra really wants."

Can I just say that I love it when crazies talk in the third person? It's just so great. And easy, because it's the best way to spot the crazy. 

Kristy ends up winning the photo shoot, and the group date flows into a night at the magical Harlequin mansion. Lesley M. and Sean are the first to have some one-on-one time. Sean talks about how whenever it seems to be a perfect moment to go in for a kiss, Lesley will get nervous and then ask an easy question about the weather or something, which is totally true and also totally adorable, which is what Sean also thinks. They end their one-on-one time without hopping a ride to makeout town, which Lesley ponders after Sean has some one-on-one time with other girls. Lesley states that she usually likes to let the guy make the move, but then also concedes that things move a lot faster here on The Bachelor, so she decides to just go for it. After Sean has some one-on-one time with Kacie and For A Good Time Call Daniella, Lesley waylays him and then smoothly molests him with her mouth. It's kind of a proud moment for girls everywhere...even though I would totally have the same hesitation about wanting him to make the first move, but sometimes, when you're starring on a totally unrealistic, hyped-up-on-steroids-romance-based reality TV show, you have to just go for it.

Other one-on-one highlights were Sean and Christine. Christine is TOTALLY cute, and her and Sean seem to have great chemistry together - calling it now, she's my top pick.

Meanwhile, For A Good Time Call Daniella gets into some of the uncomfortable stuff going on that night. Yoga Katie is acting awkward, and Tierra - "Is that her name? Tierra? Tiara?" (and suddenly I really like Daniella) - is acting moody and sulky, which is REALLY surprising for a 24 year old who irrationally acts possessive towards a guy she hasn't even kissed yet. 

But see, as Tierra explains to Sean, she's just  not used to going after a guy with 25 other girls around, so she's a little out of her comfort zone. And as Yoga Katie tells Kacie, she's also really uncomfortable with that, too.

HAS NO ONE IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF THE WORLD EVER SEEN AN EPISODE OF THIS SHOW? Because it seems like a lot of girls come onto The Bachelor with this really strange idea that it's just going to be them and this hot guy and romantic dates in helicopters, and the fact that there's other girls around is somehow a really rude awakening for them. GET THE NET. This is what you signed up for! LIVE IN THE NOW!

But anyway...Yoga Katie. First of all... What. was UP. with that HAIR? I believe the appropriate label is Frizz Bomb, only usually when that label applies, a girl is actively trying to fight it, NOT make it BIGGER. And take it from a girl who also has naturally curly hair - I get it. Sometimes you wanna just embrace what you have and go on with your curly self and tell that Patti Stanger to SHOVE IT with her "straight hair rules all" narrow-minded thinking, because sometimes you just don't feel like blow-drying your hair for an hour just to de-frizz and curl it for another hour, because that shit is exhausting and...
However. There is a difference between going au naturale and looking like a life-sized chia pet.

But anyway, hair issues aside, Katie's having a hard time with the environment of The Bachelor. She tells Kacie that she feels like the odd duck, and Kacie confides to us that she really doesn't think Yoga Katie is going to make it much longer. Yoga Katie goes off to find Sean, and the other girls grill Kacie about what's going on with Yoga Katie. To Kacie's credit, and I gotta say this - she handles that stuff like a champ. Kacie didn't play into the "OMG I know Katie's having such a hard time" thing that the other girls obviously wanted from her...she was nice but very guarded about what Katie shared with her and it was obvious that Kacie is the kind of girl you can trust to not talk out of school.

Yoga Katie finds Sean, and confides that she just doesn't think that this is the environment for her, and that she might need to go home. "Okay, well let me walk you out then!" Sean says, just a little bit too quickly...Amber, he was probably thinking...maybe I can replace her with a girl named Amber...
 
Yoga Katie
So Yoga Katie leaves, and Sean comes back to the girls and hands Kacie the group date rose. Tierra exclaims in confessional that she "wants to punch her!", meaning Kacie, and that was when all of America and Canada decided that they wanted to punch Tierra...

With a tranquilizer gun. One that will deliver to her a deep, peaceful sleep...forever...

But have no fear, you guys! Tierra wants you to know that she is here for the right reasons. In fact, she's going to do everything she can to show Sean that she's here for him and the right reasons. 

*cue horror movie stabbing sound effect*

Bridal Betty and The Case of The Fallen Sculpture

"Hey Chris!" Sean calls out, as Chris Harrison - aka, Big Man on Campus - strolls across the quad. "Wait up, buddy! Boy, have I got a great idea!"
"Well, don't just stand there! Spill it, Sean!"
"So you know how I'm taking Bridal Betty out on a date? Well, I really like her, Chris, and I want to play a prank on her that will not only put her in an awkward situation, but will also possibly embarass her on national television!"
"Wowee, that sounds great, Sean! She's gonna love it!"
"Will you help me? You're my best pal, and I don't trust any of the other dummies in our gang to help me pull it off right."
"Sure thing, Sean! You know I'll do anything for a friend!"

The stage was set. Sean escorted Bridal Betty into the fancy art gallery as Chris watched from a fancy rigged-up camera that he and Sean had set up with the help of the geeks in the Technology club. "Wow," Bridal Betty exclaimed, as she teetered around on her ugly high heels, "Look at all this art stuff!"
"I wanted to show you a real nice time tonight, Bridal Betty. A real nice time for a real nice girl."
"Oh, Sean," Bridal Betty murmured, as she placed a hand on his chest. "I feel like such a grown up in this awful black dress."
"C'mon, Bridal Betty, let's go to this private room back here where we can look at the most expensive piece of art they've got in this here art gallery."
"Wow, okay!"
Sean led Bridal Betty back into a cement room made of cement floors and cement walls. Nothing bad could ever happen here! Bridal Betty thought, as she stared at The Most Important Sculpture, sparkling in the fluorescent light like a fruit cake your grandma used to make just for you to throw away.
"Bridal Betty, I'll be right back. There's some fancy people here who want to ask me some important questions!"
"Okay!"
But Sean didn't answer those important questions from those fancy people...instead, he joined Chris at the fancy TV that was attached to the fancy cameras rigged up in that back cement room. Smiling and laughing, Chris and Sean watched as Bridal Betty was about to get PUNKED!

Suddenly, out of nowhere, the sparkling piece of The Most Important Sculpture crashed to the floor as Bridal Betty looked on, initially shocked, yet...wholly unconcerned.

A man came into the room.
"Um, it just fell. I didn't touch it." Bridal Betty told him.
"Well, at least it's not one of the main pieces out there," the guy says.
"Um, that is the main piece."

 And this is where I kind of lose it.

I'm not a big fan of pranks. In fact, I kind of hate them. But, I also have to admit that they are a great way to show a person's character. And Desiree's? SUCKS. She doesn't feel bad at all about the piece of art falling, not even when the supposed artist comes in and acts like he's going to cry. In fact, she has to try really hard to keep from laughing. And the bitchy comment that she makes above? Just like the bitchy one that she made last week, when Sean handed her a rose at the cocktail party. Desiree kind of becomes a bitch when she's under pressure, which is not a great trait to possess. Also, even when something's not your fault, it's still good form to at least act like you feel bad when something bad happens to someone else.

Anyway, Sean swoops in and reveals the prank and Desiree congratulates herself on being a good sport, even though she totally was not. Sean invites her back to his "pad", where they have dinner by the pool and then get into a hot tub with some champagne and talk about their boring parents, which leads into a conversation about love and marriage. Sean says the same thing for about the fifth time since the show started, which is that, "As a man I feel like I wanna love my wife, I wanna protect her, I wanna be her rock." Which I could make fun of him for but won't because I like Sean. Anyway, Sean gives Bridal Betty the date rose and they make out, and I will admit - begrudgingly - that Bridal Betty and Sean do seem to be comfortable around each other and they do have good chemistry.

But I still don't like her. 

As you can maybe tell from lack of photos of their date. She might have looked good in her bikini, but not on MY blog she doesn't!

Cocktail Hour For Crazy

The beginning of the cocktail hour is tense. First, the girls are all sitting on the couches, trying not to say anything about Kacie's awful hairstyle. Then one of them looks at Amanda, looks at the others, and coughs, "Butterface", which now marks her for death. Then, Lifetime Original Movie AshLee stares at Tierra long and hard, and slowly - ever so slowly - smiles at her. 

Then Chris comes in and breaks the tension and everyone has a cocktail! 

Sean and Lindsay have some one-on-one time. I find Lindsay's candor really refreshing, and she seems like a really fun, open, super cute girl. Sean seems to also agree with that assessment.

In the meantime, though, we are given a look into a whooooollle new batch of crazy. 

And her name is Amanda
First of all, all Amanda is doing is sitting on the couch in her yellow puff-sleeved dress, staring blankly into space and scowling intermittently. When the girls talk to her, she either scowls at them or looks away. You know... the way a catatonic person or someone with a brain injury would. Desiree goes so far to ask, "Amanda, are you okay?" To which Amanda gave no response. She simply looked away like she didn't hear Desiree, and I got this kind of inner flash of Amanda holding up the heads of Desiree and a few of the other girls, screaming, "I'm okay! I'm ALWAYS OKAY! It's YOU who's not okay, OKAY?!?"

Seriously. I've seen a lot of crazy in my days as a Bachelor crackerjack reporter. But Amanda? Within one night, she takes the whole double-digit-seasons, rose-strewn, champagne-flavoried cake.

Also, she looks TORN. UP. Her bio says that she's a "model"...how is this possible? Is she a fitness model only from the neck down? Does she model gloves, per chance?

Other cocktail party highlights include Robyn and Selma

You may have noticed that this season of The Bachelor is a little...how should we say...culturally diverse. A.k.a, to my recollection, there really hasn't been a black girl on here since the very first season. Some have noticed that fact and have actually brought legal action on grounds of discrimination, and whether it's because of that or because Sean is awesome, this season has a lot more (awesome) ethnicity. Robyn has also noticed this, and decided to talk to Sean about how, exactly, race plays into what he's looking for. Sean explains that he knows that when people look at him, at his blond hair and blue eyes, they tend to make the assumption that he goes for girls with blonde hair and blue eyes. But Sean has dated all types of girls - Hispanic, Persian...his last girlfriend, in fact, was black. 

"Your answers are so perfect, I can't take it," Robyn gushes in response.


We kind of can't, either. We love this guy.

And we don't love him because he paints with a many-colored brush - you're attracted to what you're attracted to, and that's it - but because it is kind of unexpected from a golden boy from Texas, you know? Which might say more about us having those assumptions than him not having them, but whatever. It's refreshing no matter how you shake it.

Speaking of refreshing! Selma teaches Sean how to say "You are very beautiful" in Arabic, and I seriously died. Who knew Arabic could be so sexy?! Also, the fact that Selma is Arabic makes her seem even more beautiful, if that's actually even possible. However, she did go on a little long during the group date about the way Sean says, "My wife" which kind of got uncomfortable after a minute, so some points were taken away for that. They will be put back in and doubled if she speaks in Arabic again at any point during the show. 

Meanwhile, Amanda is sneering somewhere on a couch in her yellow dress with weird puff sleeves, until Sean comes and gets her for some one-on-one time...and then, all of a sudden, it's like Amanda completely COMES TO LIFE. Which makes the whole non-response thing even scarier. When Amanda is talking to Sean, she's super gushy and energetic, which all the other girls notice and observe. Other girls including Bridal Betty, who practically starts crying as she confides that she just wants people to show their true colors! She is so TIRED of people being manipulated! And Sean deserves WAY better! WAAAAAY BETTER!

The Most Non-Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever!

The Rose Ceremony begins. All the girls get a rose - including The Three Faces of Amanda and Tierra, which Robyn TOTALLY rolls her eyes at! - except for Bombshell Brooke and Diana

Brooke
Bombshell Brooke, true to form, handled her elimination with grace and class. I know that Sean didn't make much of a connection with her and I honestly wasn't expecting her to stay, but goddamn. She looked stunning that night, and after she was eliminated she was sincere and sad, but she didn't cry, which kind of made me proud. That girl is a true lady, and if ABC ever gets their act together, she deserves to be a Bachelorette.

Diana
Diana was also sent home. When she said her goodbyes, Sean explained that he just didn't feel right keeping her from her girls if he didn't see something with her in the long-term. She also handled her elimination with grace and class...I'm kind of sad to see her go, too. I was kind of looking forward to getting to know her more. 

But then she ended her little "I just got dumped" speech with, "It's a lot to take in." Said in a totally flat tone, with a totally straight face. 

So there's also that.

Final tally for this episode's data collection:
 
How many times Sean mentions Emily: 0
How many times Sean says "absolutely": 0!
How many girls cry: 0!!!!!
How many girls get drunk: 0!!!!!!
The first girl to declare "I'm not here to make friends": Tierra. Of course.
How many times do the girls say "This is just really hard"/"I just didn't think it would be this hard.: 3 (Yoga Katie and Tierra)
How many times does One-Armed Sarah talk about having only one arm: 5

 Top Four Picks: 
Catherine
Bridal Betty (aka, "Des", aka, "Desiree")
Lesley M.
Lindsay

The End!


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