Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The Bachelor Recap, Episode 3: It's All Confetti and Bikinis Until Everyone Starts Crying

Photo: TheBachelor2013.com
Welcome to Episode 3 of The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, and You!

There's confetti. There's kissing. There's bikinis. There's crying. There's necks that look like they were broken, but weren't. There's cardinal rules that looked like they were broken, and DEFINITELY were. There's champagne on hotel rooftops, there's champagne by a pool, and there's champagne in an amusement park. And then there's more crying. 

It was AWESOME.

And as a special treat, I've decided to forgo this week's stats and instead add in some Twitter commentary to jazz things up a little.

 Ready?

More after the jump!

Our Amazing Journey this week opens up to yet another shot of Sean shirtless and working out.

 However, according to the expert, we can look forward to this every week.



Sean says some stuff about things being amazing...the ladies are amazing, this journey is amazing, this water is amazing...and that he's - amazingly - looking forward to another amazing week.

Which is amazing. 

Meanwhile, back at the Lady Ranch, Chris calls all the hos to the flo' and tells them that there's only way to make it to the top, and that's by breakin' it down the muthafuckin' beat, y'all! "Awwww, nah nah nah, my sisters, it's a dance-offfffffff!" he hollars, as he hits "play" on his boombox. The girls start some mad beef yo! by hitting the floor and shaking it harder than an earthquake. Robyn throws her hands up and yells out, "I'm gonna get that date card, and it's gonna say "Yo, Robyn, let's ditch these bitches and fall in love for real!" Tierra starts crunking her way over to Robyn, and even though nobody sees Tierra do anything 'cause they're all trying to kick it (and kick it real good) all of a sudden Robyn's laying on the floor with some broken stems. Lesley M is whipping up some mad dance skillz, and when Chris finally signals the fog horn, she looks around to see that all the other hos broke their asses trying to keep up with her slick stylin's. "Y'ALL JUST GOT SERVED BY LESLEY, Y'AAAALL!" Chris calls out. He hands Lesley the date card, salutes, and then pops and locks his way outta there!

A Record-Breaking Kiss
The next thing you know, Lesley and Sean are in a limo, on their way to Hollywood. They arrive at The Guinness Book of World Records. Nothing interesting is going to happen here, I bet. They're probably just going to have a super normal date of just hanging out and getting to know each other - did you know that Sean's dad has a world record for driving though a bunch of states in record time! Whoa! Tell us more, Sean! - and then end it with a quiet dinner at the Olive Garden or something.

But WAIT! NOPE, LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE THERE TO BREAK A WORLD RECORD OF THEIR OWN! HOW DID NONE OF US SEE THIS COMING?!

Sean and Lesley are given the task to break the world record for Longest Onscreen Kiss, which means they have to kiss longer than 3 minutes and 16 seconds.

Piece of CAKE. I've kissed guys for 15 minutes without stopping when I've been into them. Wanna know why? BECAUSE I PLAY LIKE A CHAMPION, THAT'S WHY.

Also, let's review - they've already done this before. They kissed last week - remember that whole plotline where Lesley and Sean are at the Harlequin Mansion and they have some alone time and then part and then Lesley feels like she blew it so she went back and kissed him? Yeah. I remembered that. You did, too, I bet.

Unfortunately, some of us did not.
C'mon, Ali. You're being PAID to watch and recap the Bachelor. Get it together. (More later about how much former Bachelorette Ali's tweets, opinions, and just general demeanor during this episode bugged me...)

So the rules for the kiss is that their lips must touch during the entire duration of the kiss - if at anytime they separate, the kiss is invalidated. Which makes it a little harder, but Lesley doesn't care! Lesley is gonna GO FOR IT! And go for it she does...

So they're kissing, and Sean's hand totally touches Lesley's butt around the 1 minute mark. Sean confides that Lesley's a great kisser - she's moving her hands, he's getting into it, and at times he forgets that there's even a crowd around them - which is evidenced when he touches her butt AGAIN. Watching three minutes of this is actually pretty boring, except for the fact that once again we get to be reminded of Sean's allyway makeout with Emily last season, and the totally hot way that Sean just kind of leans into the kiss, practically dipping the girl he's kissing, like he's all about it and just can't get enough...

And...um...I'll be right back.

Okay! So anyway, they end up breaking the record, confetti floats down from the sky, everyone else in the crowd starts making out with each other, and then they all run up to the top of a hotel rooftop, where they dance and sing of love!, and slowly, slowly, everyone else fades away, until it's just Sean and Lesley, sitting on some weird round cushioned chair thing under a neon hotel sign.

Sean and Lesley talk about high school - Lesley tells Sean that she really loved high school, but was kind of a nerd. Sean asks why she thinks she was, and then shares that he was a nerd, too, because he was in a lot of AP classes, you know. Lesley tells him that she was in a lot of clubs and just kind of studied a lot.

First of all, I'm not going to get into what I think constitutes a nerd and what doesn't. Taking AP classes and studying a lot...that mostly just means you're smart - or that you cared about being smart - which is awesome. Does it mean you're a nerd? Who cares. Does it mean you've just laid down a #humblebrag? Uh, no. If Lesley would have said, "I was a total nerd in high school, I got all A's and people were totally mean to me for being so smart."? THAT would have been a humblebrag.

I mean...come on. It's like Ali is practically begging me to give her a hard time for her tweets.

Going back to the episode - Lesley and Sean talk about their parents, Lesley tells him that her parents are still madly in love and still hold hands - just like Bridal Betty's parents! Guess Des isn't the only one to have that really unique connection with Sean after all - and then tells Sean that she's a little nervous around him. There's a couple of weird silences - mostly Sean's fault - and then Leslie kisses him again. Which is a smooth move, but it also kind of proves a long-held point I have: If you have to make the first move with a guy, he's always going to expect you to make the moves first.

So Sean gives her the rose, and then confetti falls from the sky again while they kiss and we're swept back into the magical world of Bachelor Land, where long-held rules of dating conduct have no place here, because every relationship is a magical relationship and always successful for the long-term!


The Most Dramatic Volleyball Game EVER!


Group Date Time! Kacie, Robyn, Leslie H, Ford Model Kristy, Catherine, Bridal Betty/Desiree, Teary Taryn, The Three Faces of Amanda, Lindsay, For A Good Time Call Daniella, Jackie, and Tierra are picked to go on a group date with Sean, with the only hint to the activity being the date card, which reads, "Who's going to win my heart - Sean".

Which obviously means a competition, and that the girls are going to be split up into two teams to compete for more time with Sean, because I don't know where you think you are, but this is The Bachelor and we don't do original plot lines here!

Selma, One-Armed Sarah, and Lifetime Original Movie AshLee are not picked for the group date. Which Lifetime Original Movie AshLee, for the record, is glad about, because she has a feeling that the group date is "an activity", and she's hoping for something more...romantic with Sean.  

Ho-ho-ha-ha-heh-heh-HAHAHAHAHA! Keep holding onto that hope, AshLee. I'm sure it will turn out to be juuuuust the way you were hoping for...

The group date girls arrive at the beach. Brain Surgeon/Ford Model Kristy thinks that the date is definitely going to have some kind of competition. Everyone in America is sure there will be, since all the girls seem to be wearing color-coordinated bikinis.

Sean shows up, the girls tell him to take his shirt off, he does, they all play around at the beach - tossing footballs, watching Sean do push-ups, you know, regular beach stuff - and then Chris shows up. "The minute I see Chris Harrison, I know that things are not going to fun for someone here," state Kacie.

And she's right!

Chris announces that they're going to split up into two teams and play volleyball...for Sean's HEART! Also for more time with him later that night.  Lindsay's like "All riiiight." With NO enthusiasm whatsoever...which is hilarious, because that's totally what I would be like, too.

So the girls split up into two teams and start playing. And it's boring. And horrible. And BORING! The only difference is, it's only boring to me and not to the girls playing, for whom this is the most important volleyball game of their entire lives. 

Seriously. Some girl even said that.

Match point, and Bridal Betty is up to serve. The other team biffs it, and Bridal Betty's team wins.

Losing team is super bummed. Kristy starts crying, and her falsies do not hold up well under her tears. A bunch of people on Twitter make lame jokes about how there's no crying in volleyball, the winning team pops open some champagne, and Leslie H. starts crying, too. Because apparently there is crying in volleyball. There's a lot of crying in volleyball.

The losing team does the walk of shame and climbs barefoot into some minivan, where there's a bunch more crying about losing not only the game, but also more time with Sean, the guy that they've known for about a week, tops. Which is awesome, because this is exactly the stuff that makes this show so hilarious. 

As their prize, the winning team gets to go to Sean's house. Woot. Bridal Betty makes a total bitch comment with her total bitch face: "The other team is probably crying in their beds at home." It's comments like these that make me wonder how ANYONE can think that she's likeable, much less the next Bachelorette.

See, when Ali first called it a couple weeks ago that Des was going to be the next Bachelorette if she didn't make it to the end, I replied that I couldn't understand how she liked her - Des was bitchy, especially when she was under pressure, and is kind of conceited all around. And then I realized - Ali likes Des because Des is just like her. Ali was super bitchy on her first season (The Bachelor: Jake Is A Pilot), she talked smack about the other girls behind their backs and to their faces (remember how she totally bullied Vienna? And not that I liked Vienna, but c'mon. Being so mean to her that she cried was still not cool), she thought she had Jake locked down...and Des even kind of LOOKS like Ali.

You guys might think I'm being hard on Former Bachelorette Ali in this post. And I am, because I can't understand how someone who seems so smart can be so off-point on something so important and crucial, such as this show.

Anyway! Sean has alone time with Lindsay. They make out a bunch, which is cool because I like that girl. And then it's time for Sean and Bridal Betty to have alone time. 

"Des" tells us that she deserves all the time she can get with Sean. Sean tells her that he doesn't think he'll ever get tired of hanging out with her. Her reply: "No, I don't think you will, either. I'm pretty fun." Sean tells her that he likes her confidence. "Yeah, but what a lot of people don't know about me is that I'm deep."


Des tells him that she has "a deeper side" to her. She thinks deeper than other people. She enjoys life, and she enjoys the beauty of life. 

Let's just get something straight right now: Saying that you're deeper than most people...it's like saying that you're smart, or that you have class, or that you're kind of a big deal, or that you're a trendsetter. If you have to say it, it's probably not true...it's just something that you want to think is true.

 And then she goes on to say that she knows what she has, and that it's maybe what Sean wants...so when it comes to him and the other girls, she doesn't feel like she has to worry about it.

Seriously. GET OVER YOURSELF. There's a difference between confident and conceited, and I think we know which side Bridal Betty is on.

Meanwhile, back at the Lady Ranch, there's a date card that Tierra Tiara reads and it's for Lifetime Original Movie AshLee and Tierra makes a dumb joke about it being for Selma, too, which really upsets One-Armed Sarah because she did NOT think that was funny, which of course meant that Tierra Tiara TOTALLY thought it was funny, because that's Tierra is basically a spoiled five-year-old and she makes it super easy for everyone to hate her. Yawn.

Back at Sean's house, The Three Faces of Amanda and Bridal Betty have a really weird and creepy conversation about the group date rose - "I want that rose." "Oh really, what would you do to get it?" "Anything." - and Amanda tells us that she thinks she should get the rose tonight because she feel she has a lot to offer, besides the fact that she's really ugly.

Amanda and Sean go off together and Des talks some shit about Amanda to all the girls because that's the kind of girl that Des is. Kacie sits there and listens to Des talking, and she starts to look uncomfortable, and it's like...oh no. Oooooh no. No no no! Don't do it, Kacie. Don't you do it, Kacie!

But she does. She goes and breaks one of the cardinal, infallible rules of Bachelordom - she decides to Talk To The Bachelor About One Of The Girls In The House.

This is also the exact part of the show that I can't hear because I'm watching the show with three fly fisherman who decide that this is would be a perfect time to talk excitedly about fishing. You might wonder, first of all, why I'm watching it with three fly fisherman? Mainly because I have a knack of turning guys onto this show, and so I've gotten one of them hooked (get it?) on The Bachelor, and he decided to invite two of his buddies over for pizza and hanging out...at least, that's what he said. I personally suspect that he invited them over so they would have to watch it, too, and then get hooked on it as well. But anyway - so they were talking during this part of the show, and while I've killed men for less, I didn't kill them for it, because I love them and also because I knew exactly what was going to happen, so I didn't even need to hear it. It probably went something like this-

1) The girl says something in a gently, careful and quiet tone about wanting to tell The Bachelor something that's been bothering her, and it has to do with one (or two) of The Girls In The House.
2) The Bachelor is at first opened and concerned.
3) The more he hears, though, the more he begins to shut off.
4) The more he begins to shut off, the more nervous the girl gets.
5) The Bachelor acts defensively.
6) The girl starts to lose her shit from the inside out.
7) Girl goes home during the next rose ceremony. Or, best case scenario, ends up sticking around for a few more weeks, but never makes it to the end.

Here's the thing, for both Bachelor life and real life: The guy doesn't want to hear it. He never wants to hear it. Wanna know why? Because he doesn't care! She could be the biggest bitch from here until Des, and he could be the best kind of guy from here until sainthood, but if she's hot enough, he could honestly give a shit about whether or not she's a bitch or weird or crazy. Throughout the entire history of Bachelorhood, this has been proven true. Almost every single season - hot and bitchy always trumps sweet and cute. Ben even saw Courtney being bitchy to Emily, and acknowledged it, and he still kept her around! And the thing that drives me crazy about this...it's not like Kacie hasn't seen any of the seasons where this has happened. She was ON a season where this has happened! And still she learned nothing!

So whatever Kacie's motivation for telling Sean whatever she told him, there was only maybe a 1% chance it was going to work. Kacie didn't get the date rose, and the only thing that would have put more nails in her coffin was if Sean had given the rose to Bridal Betty or The Three Faces of Amanda (he gave it to Lindsay).

But still Kacie cries, because she knows that it's probably the end for her. And everyone in America nods, because we think it is, too. 

The Fake Fall Heard 'Round The World


The next day, Lifetime Original Movie AshLee is getting ready for her date. She tells us that she plans on talking to talk to Sean about her adoption and her family while on her date, because of course she would! What better first date topics are there besides becoming an orphan, going through a series of foster homes, and getting adopted? This date is gonna be a blast!

And then Tierra Tiara falls. Down the stairs, just like what happened in Showgirls. And she's just lying there, totally out of it, kind of like you would do if you were faking something. Someone calls 911, paramedics come in, so does Sean, and everyone watches as Tierra Tiara gets flatboarded. Then Tierra Tiara throws a serious tantrum about not wanting to go to the hospital, that she's fine, "so just get me out of here!" So they do, and then, all of a sudden, she's totally okay!!!! IT'S MAGIC, EVERYBODY!
 Tierra Tiara feels so much better, she decides to go and recline on one of the cozy little couches by the pool. Sean follows her out to check up on her, and before you know it, they're cuddling and laughing and she's looking up at him adoringly ...wait, didn't she just fall down the stairs? And hurt her neck while doing so? Seems like an odd position to be sitting in after you just took a tough fall down the stairs... Which the girls notice, and they are PISSED! And I don't know if you guys know this, but Lifetime Original Movie AshLee is smart (just like Tierra!) and she knows when someone is crying wolf! Tierra is obviously okay playing the victim and Lifetime Original Movie AshLee doesn't like it! "The next time I make her fall down the stairs, I'm gonna to make sure the job gets done." She tells the camera. "Wait! Did I just say that out loud?!"

The Six Flags of Crazytown


Lifetime Original Move Ashlee and Sean arrive at the destination for their date, which is an amusement park, and upon arrival, they discover that they're going to be hanging out with two younger girls as part of what I can only assume is Make A Wish, because my fishing comrades are talking during this part of the episode, too, so I can only really watch what's happening instead of hear it. The most surprising thing I learn during these parts is that the dates are now so formulaic that I don't even really need to hear what the people are saying, and I'll bet money that if I just watched the show once with the sound muted, the recap would probably end up being more interesting than what actually happens.

Anyway - Lifetime Original Move AshLee's wearing a really great dress, but big deal, because everyone knows that crazy people dress really well. And then I notice that her face is kind of crooked, and then I notice that she's wearing these big brown heels or clogs or something, which sucks for her. Nothing like wearing a short dress and heels to an amusement park, huh? Good job, show producers. Really knocked it out of the park on that one!

Get it? I said park, and they're at an amusement park? Hope you got that joke.

So they hang out with the two younger girls, and they ride on rides and play games and take pictures, and it's really sweet and Sean is awesome. Then, during the late-night romantic portion of the date, Lifetime Original Movie AshLee dives right into her childhood, including the fact that she was abused by a family, but good news, everyone: She was never sexually abused! Glad she cleared that up for us, in case her date-night confession became even more of a buzz kill and romantic downer. What a relief, because talk about awkward.

Let me just make something clear: I have deep compassion for anyone who's been abused. And much like One-Armed Sarah, I'm not mocking it because I'm evil and cold-hearted. I feel bad that AshLee or anyone had to go through that in childhood, but the thing is...you don't tell someone that stuff on the first date. Not because you should be ashamed of it, but because it's too much, too soon. Stuff like that is not only awkward and uncomfortable for your audience, it's also manipulative - you're trying to create intimacy and bonding by telling a waaay personal story so the other person feels sorry for you or feels an obligation to be nice to you, without any obligation or thought on your part to their level of comfort. And, it's also kind of creepy.

She tells a story about her adopted dad, who sounds awesome, but it's just...this is why I don't like her, and this is why I think she's kind of crazy. This is not stuff that normal people talk about on a first date, even if it is The Bachelor. And while this happening, everyone on Twitter is going on and on about how sweet and open she is and how she has such a good heart and she'll probably make it to the end and I'm just like...she's crazy. 
 How do you guys not see that she's crazy, and crazy desperate for some type of emotional connection, no matter how she has to go about getting it? That's why I call her Lifetime Original Movie AshLee! Case in point: After Sean gives the rose - because what was he going to do? Not give her the rose after she just divulged her childhood abuse to him?! You see what I mean? - Sean and AshLee are treated to a private concert (what?! That kind of stuff never happens on this show!) and they slow dance the night away. During this time, in camera confessional, AshLee sobs about how she "really wants this." You've known the guy for about a week, you've had one real date with him, and you're already sobbing about how much you want this. Let me spell it out for you -

C-R-A-Z-Y-T-O-W-N.

And This Is Where I Leave You...Without The Rose I'm Holding In My Hand For Some Unknown and Obviously Unnecessary Reason

Cocktail PAAAARTAAAAAYYY!! Sean looks hot. The Three Faces of Amanda looks torn up.Sean surprises One-Armed-Amanda with her dog, which is super sweet and makes it obvious that he's completely smitten with her. Kacie's dress makes her look like she's going to lead an aerobics class by the pool later.

Time with Tierra Tiara! Tierra is already complaining to Sean about not getting enough time with him. This is also a cardinal rule of The Bachelor that Tierra is seriously close to breaking - no nagging about lack of time together or time spent with other girls. And right on cue, Des comes up and takes him away from Tierra, which makes Tierra even MORE pissed, because every singe time! She's had time with him! She's been interrupted! Just like that time when she fakes an injury right before someone else's date! So she could spend uninterrupted time with him!

But good news, because Tierra Tiara is NOT going to let this happen! She gets what she wants! So she stomps back out to the pool, grabs Sean from Des, and pulls him away from her, shouting, "MINE FIRST! He was MINE FIRST!"

And proceeds to complain AAAA-GAIN to Sean about how getting five minutes with him is not enough.

So Des is pissed that she got interrupted by Tierra - it burns when someone plays you at your own game doesn't it, Bridal Betty? - but doesn't do anything about it. Lesley does, though! I love that girl. She just walks up to Sean and Tierra Tiara, like, "Oh...so sorry to interrupt." It was hilarious. Tierra just got up and stomped away.

Kacie and Sean get time together and Sean seems a little cold to her during their conversation. And at this point, I feel like Kacie is going home. Not just because she broke a cardinal rule of Bachelor, but because she's wearing a super awful dress. Right when they're starting to get to the good stuff, though, Lifetime Original Movie AshLee waltzes up with Selma and sits down, which seems highly rude, especially since AshLee already has a rose from her date with Sean and doesn't really "need" any more time with him.

But no bother, because it's rose ceremony time! Sean asks Kacie if he can talk to her privately, and takes Kacie out of the room, but brings a rose with him. He tells her that he felt friendship for her back when they met over the summer in New York, and he had too much respect for her to make her stand through another rose ceremony when he now knows that his feelings don't go beyond friendship. Which is pretty stand-up of him, I must admit. So Sean softly dumps Kacie in the rain, and she leaves in the limo while he stands there, watching, holding a rose for no reason whatsoever. 

Everyone gets a rose after that, except for Ford Model Kristy and Teary Taryn, whom, I should note, were both on the losing volleyball team. So maybe that volleyball game really was the most important volleyball game of their entire lives? Too bad they blew it!

Taryn
Kristy
Teary Taryn cries a lot, and so does The Best From Midwest, aka Ford Model Kristy. Tears. So many tears in the rain... Kacie cries in the limo, and I kind of feel bad for her, but then I realize that she's, like, a 25 year old virgin from the South with legs that just won't quit, and then I just kind of want to smack her.

My top four picks (notice I didn't say The Top Four Girls I Like The Most) remain -
Catherine
Bridal Betty (aka, Des)
Lesley M.
Lindsay
And that's it! Wishing you nothing but champagne and hot tubs until we meet again next week...

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