Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Bachelor Recap, Hometown Dates: Vindication Is Mine!

Welcome to this season's edition of Hometown Dates on The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, and You!

Let me just state for the record that I tend to find Hometown Dates to be the most boring episode of the entire Bachelor season.

And this season was no exception!

Find out about more stuff I'm right about after the jump!

Neverending Emotional AshLee Stories 

Last night's episode wasted no time getting down to business - we open with Lifetime Original Movie AshLee, walking in a field somewhere in Houston, talking about how she's been dreaming of this moment all her life...the day when she could meet a man on a reality TV series and bring him home to meet her family and have it filmed for a national audience. She's been waiting her WHOLE LIFE for this, everybody!

So Sean and AshLee hang out in a field for a while, and AshLee tells Sean that her dad's not a typical pastor...he has a motorcycle. And likes the outdoors. Is she totally sure her dad is who he says he is? Because pretty sure no pastor ever has owned a motorcycle or copped to enjoying the outdoors. 

Ashlee keeps talking about how excited she is to bring home a man with whom she's this deeply invested, which is not only annoying, but also confusing when we remember that she got married when she was 17. Sean and AshLee arrive at their parents house, and they all sit in the back yard, and AshLee tells her parents all that they've been on up on This Amazing Journey, and she can't even talk about a goddamn polar bear plunge without crying. EVERY MOMENT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A THERAPY MOMENT, ASHLEE! Not EVERYTHING is about you and your emotional development, okay? Then she tells her parents that she told Sean that she loved him, and it's so awkward and weird...like, not the appropriate time, nor the place. Her mother pulls Sean aside and asks what his intentions are for his daughter, and if he's going to break her heart (this lady doesn't beat around the bush). Sean gives his golden boy answers, and tells us that the questions from AshLee's mom aren't easy, but he likes how protective she is. He's afraid, though, that AshLee's dad is going to ask him if Sean loves AshLee. So he sits down with AshLee's dad, and what's the first question AshLee's dad asks? "Are you in love with my daughter?" 

In case everyone who's ever watched this show has forgotten: Sean is legally and contractually obligated to keep his mouth shut on the "love" word until he proposes to someone at the end of the show. This is due to some dramz during the first season, when Andrew told both girls he was in love with her and told Trista during their fantasy suite night that it was going to be her he would pick, and then whaddya know, the next day he picked the other girl! So yeah. The girls can tell Sean they love him, but he can't say it back until he (attempts to) puts a ring on it.

So the interrogation ends and they all come around the picnic table once more, and AshLee's dad tells the story of the first day he met AshLee, and how he instantly felt a connection with her, and everyone in America started bawling during the story, because even though I don't really care for AshLee, her dad is pretty freaking awesome.

Somebody Kill Catherine's Sisters For Me, Kay? 

Sean meets Catherine at the fish market in Seattle, WA, for her hometown date. They do stuff like throw fish (sidenote: during this part of the show, there was some HILARIOUS tweeting going on between The Bachelorette: Emily Has A Daughter guys Jef, Sean, and Wolf, making fun of Ryan and all his bragging about being thrown 70 passes and catching 70 passes. And then Ryan got on Twitter asd was like, "HAHAHAHA! You guys are FUNNY! No hard feelings! Let's hang out! I REALLY NEED SOME BRO FRIENDS, YOU GUYS! SO STOP MAKING FUN OF ME ALREADY!" Best part of the show, right there. You can catch stuff like that by following the Bachelor Master List on Twitter) and jig it up to street musicians and make out while walking around. They're so natural, and they have such great chemistry. Sean says that it's impossible to be the cool guy with Catherine because she brings out the weird side of him, and that "it feels like we've been boyfriend and girlfriend for a while and that this is something that we'd be doing on a normal Saturday." Awwww! It is pretty adorable to see Golden Boy act like a total dork around her.

So they go to meet her family - her grandmother, mother, and two sisters. Catherine's grandmother is awesome, her mom is a little tough, but her sisters? JESUS. First they gave her the what-for when Catherine was trying to tell them that she was serious about Sean - "I just don't understand, when you went into this, you were like, 'This is going to be fun', etc and now all that's changed." Yeah. So actually, it sounds like you do understand. AND THEN, when they sat down Sean, they were totally killing her the whole time: Talked about her "extreme" emotions, how messy she was, how she's used to having it really easy in relationships and is really independent and if she wants something but a guy doesn't, she'll say goodbye just like that... It was awful. Pretty much the nightmare conversation that you never want your sister to have with your prospective husband. And they sounded like jealous bitches, to tell you the truth. This was the moment - on national television - that they could have used to talk about all the great things about Catherine to someone who is obviously important to her. And instead they used it to totally trash talk her.

So Sean and Catherine say goodbye, and Sean tells us that he didn't get a blessing from her mom, and that her sisters brought up stuff about Catherine that makes him doubt their relationship.

Way to go, Catherine's family. You guys suck.

Army Ready

Sean and Lindsay meet at Fort Riley, where Lindsay's dad is a two-star general. Lindsay's wearing a lot of makeup, which is both startling and distracting. But that ends up being a good thing, because wow - BORING. They just walk around what looks like a boring small town and go into an antique store, then to a bar, then to a cupcake shop.

Sean is nervous about meeting Lindsay's dad, and asks her all sorts of questions about what to call him when he meets him (answer: Mr. Yenter, unless he tells Sean to call him Mark). Lindsay can tell he's nervous, and tells us that while she knows that her dad will love Sean, she'll admit that if her dad doesn't, that could be a deal breaker.

But first! Before Sean meets her dad, he has to get Army Ready. So he suits up in windpants and a mock turtleneck that say "Army" - obviously regulation Army uniform - and they stand out in a park while Lindsay starts drilling him. When Lindsay is being silly, she is absolutely adorable. She mock drills him, smacks his butt a lot, and makes him do a lot of pushups while sitting on him.

Meet The Parents time! Lindsay's mom is JUST like her - bubbly and sweet. Lindsay's dad is a little aloof but handsome. He tells Sean to call him Mark. Lindsay tells her family about getting out of the limo in a wedding dress, which doesn't really seem to amuse her dad all that much, which is kind of hilarious. Lisa, Lindsay's mom, notes that her daughter looks really happy, and sean tells her mom that he's crazy about her daughter. Lisa asks Sean if he loves Lindsay, and Sean says that he's not at liberty to say just yet - Sean feels that when he says he loves someone, it means that he wants to spend the rest of his life with them. Which I LOVE about that guy, and Lisa does, too.

Sean sits down with Lindsay's dad over a couple of beers. It's not the most comfortable conversation in the world, and Mark even asks Sean if he was nervous about meeting him, to which Sean confesses that he was. Mark seems like a nice guy - not the warmest on the planet, but it's obvious that he loves Lindsay, and it seems like he *wants* to like Sean. Sean asks her dad to give him his blessing. Lindsay's dad tells him that that's a pretty tough question, and that Mark doesn't know if he's got an answer. He gives Sean a bunch of military talk about being a paratrooper and how in the army it's important to have the authority to make a decision, and that in the end, he will give his blessing to Sean and Lindsay so that they have the authority to make their own decisions.

And then he gives Sean a gift of identification tags, which to Lindsay means that her family approves of him, which to her is big. Sean tells her that he can see himself fitting in with her family. Lindsay tells him that she's falling in love with him.

Snoooooooooorrrrrrrreeeeee.

The Part Where I Wish Des' Family Was Just A Prank, Too.
Des and Sean meet in LA to go hiking before he meets her family.

ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Then they go to what I'm 99% sure is a house that Des rented for the night, because while I'm sure that Bridal Consultants make some change, they don't make enough for a two-story house in LA. But, luckily for us, Des thought ahead and put all her ugly artwork on the walls, so that was cool - I haven't seen ugly artwork in a long time, so it was nice to be able to get that in during this two-hour episode.

So they're hanging out, making dinner for her family, and there's a knock at the door. Some guy comes in and is like, "Can we talk, Des, I love you, who is this guy," etc. To everyone with a brain, it's either the worst prank in the world or Des has a history of dating really awkward guys. I know, based on good authority, that this is a prank that Des cooked up in order to get Sean back for his art gallery prank, and I'm only interested in watching it because I'm hoping that it's going to get Des dumped in the end. Sean obviously doesn't catch on that it's a prank, though, and at one point he gets all "Don't put your hands on me" with the guy, which is pretty hot. Then, to surprise no one, Des says, "GOTCHA! This is Nick, he's an actor." WHAT?! Whoa! It all looked SO REAL! Too bad Nick's not an actor on anything I've ever seen before, otherwise I would have to stop watching it. In her ugly collared shirt it's hard to believe that Des would have a bad sense of humor, but it's true, you guys. She does.

Des' family finally show up. Des' dad seems really nice, her mom seems crazy but nice, and her brother seems like white trash.

Des and her brother talk about her and Sean, and Des' brother tells him to "don't fall for just nobody." He thinks this is all stupid, and that if "it" were to happen, he would be saying "there's no way this could work out." Des' brother is really intense, and they have really strange chemistry...I can't quite put my finger on it. It feels like Des is protective of her brother, but also scared of him, almost? Anyway, during dinner Des' brother pulls Sean outside to talk to him. He tells Sean that he doesn't see a lot of reciprocation between him and Des. "I just think you're a playboy and are just having fun with the circumstances." Which is super rude and inappropriate, but you kind of get the sense that this is just normal behavior for Des' brother. Sean looks at him and says that he's sorry that he gave him that impression "but that's not me." The brother tells him that he's not buying it. "My character and my integrity is number one to me," Sean tells him, and it's clear that Sean is getting upset. Des' brother continues to be really confrontational, and it's really uncomfortable - if my boyfriend's brother or sister acted like to me, it would be a deal breaker.

They go back to dinner with the family, but Des' brother is still being rude. Des tells him to stop, and it's awkward. Sean can tell that her parents and Des are embarrassed by her brother's behavior, and then notes that Des' parents literally start talking about the weather. "We have the four distinct seasons" her dad says, which is so awkward that it's hilarious. Finally, Des walks Sean out and they say goodbye. Des comes back in and asks her brother what he said to Sean, and he laughs and tells Des that he told Sean that he thought he was a playboy. Des and her parents tell him that he was really off the mark, and then Nathan gets confrontational with their dad.

So that's fun. Really gives a guy something to look forward to when it comes to the holiday season...

The Rose of Indecision

Before the rose ceremony, Sean tells us that he's really struggling with getting clarity over who he'll be sending home that night. He sees himself with Lindsay, sees himself with Ashlee, but still has a question mark over Catherine and Des. Sean is concerned about Des' brother and the fact that he'll always be getting under Sean's skin, and really bothers him. He notes that what Catherine's sisters said to him makes him weigh out whether or not Catherine really wants to settle down.

So the rose ceremony begins, and Des pulls a Chris Bukowski and asks Sean if she can talk to him really quickly. They go and sit in a little alcove, and she tells him that she wanted to apologize for her brother's behavior the night before - that her brother told her what he said to Sean, and she feels awful. Sean tells her that she doesn't have to apologize, blah blah blaaaaaahhhhhh.

So they go back in, and Catherine's freaking out a bit, wondering if she should have pulled Sean aside, too, and if Des just pulled a game-changer. But, too late - Sean gives a rose to AshLee, then to Lindsay, and then...

HE PUTS THE ROSE DOWN AND WALKS OUT!

He goes into the deliberation room, and Chris comes in and they chat about Sean's difficult decision, and Chris tells Sean to take as much time as he needs to make the right decision. Sean notes that it's all going to come down to who he would miss the most if he sent them home.

Which, to my relief, ends up being Catherine!!! DAMN STRAIGHT YOU WOULD MISS HER MORE.

Sean walks Des out. They talks about how she has all the qualities he's looking for in a wife, and that he's worried that he's made a mistake. Des tells him that she thinks that he's making a mistake, too. That out of all the girls in there, she really feels like she's the best one for him (because of course she would say something like that). And that, again, this is a really, really big mistake: "Not just 99.9 percent, but 100%" (seriously, she said that).

Yes. It's always a big mistake to let go of the slightly-bitchy girl with a thug brother when you have three other awesome girls waiting around for you.

Sean tells her that he's been praying for clarity all day and that he just didn't get it. She keeps telling him that it's a mistake, and he tells her that it might be. Nope, it's not! They hug, she cries and tells him "Please don't let me go." GET IN THE LIMO, DES.

Finally she says some stuff about wanting him to be happy even though that's totally the stuff you say when you really mean, "I want you to be happy if you're with me, but if you're not, then I really hope you end up miserable". Sean watches her limo pull away and he hangs his head down. Des starts crying and tells us that she doesn't even know what she's going to do about her life. "I think it's a huge mistake. I think out of everyone there...we have something." It's kind of sad, but then I realize that she still can't prevent herself from making bitchy comments, and so then I stop feeling sad about it.

So! Next week it's Destination Dates, otherwise known as "Let's Get It On In The Fantasy Suite, Girl 1, 2, and 3". However, if you've read the latest copy of US Weekly, then you probably know by now that Sean's saving himself for marriage. But still - at least we're done with boring hometown dates, yeah?

Also, tonight, there's a special episode of "Sean Tells All". I may be recapping it, depending on if it's interesting or not, but most likely I'll just be writing up a highlight post of any new dish or dirt that comes up. Also, don't forget - it's at 8c, NOT at 7c. DON'T LET THEM TRICK INTO WATCHING A REALITY COOKING COMPETITION SHOW AGAIN, YOU GUYS! They can only use you for ratings if you let them.

Like this recap? Please share it your friends! 
  And for more musings on champagne, hot tubs, and real(ity) love, follow along on Twitter and Facebook!


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