Tuesday, February 05, 2013

The Bachelor Recap, Episode 5: Love Lift Us Up Where We Don't Belong

Welcome to the first of the most dramatic/exciting/epic two-episode event yet of The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, and You!

This week we're not only taken to new heights in love and drama, but also to new heights in helicopters and insanity. 

Strap in your seat belt after the jump! 



This episode opens up in THE MOST DRAMATIC WAY YET.

Without Sean shirtless. 

I'm not kidding. First we see Chris come into the living room, tell the girls that there's only 11 of them left, and that they'll be going on a group date, a one-on-one date, and the dreaded two-on-one date this week. And then he announces that they'll be going on a worldwide journey (to find love, of course. Not ratings) that starts TODAY! They'll be meeting Sean in Montana, where the date card will be waiting for them. 

Because of course they get to go to Montana, right? Sometimes I suspect that people mainly hate this show because they're jealous of all the free trips that the girls get. It's kind of Road Rules - let's find the most shallow and annoying people in the universe and then give them everybody's dream trips to reward them for being vapid enough to be on the show. 

So THEN! We find Sean...WITH HIS SHIRT ON. WHAT?! WHY! And then we realize...oh no, you guys. We're going someplace cold, in the mountains. WE MIGHT NEVER SEE HIM WITH HIS SHIRT OFF AGAIN!!!!

We should probably just stop watching this show right now.

But we don't, because Sean climbs into a puddle jumper of a plane, lands on a lake somewhere in the middle of Glacier National Park, and tells us about how he's an outdoor guy...the girls are going to be roughin' it this week, but he loves it and he hopes they do, too.

Roughin' it, huh...hmmm. Yeah. I think some of the girls would like to "rough it" with Sean. I know I would...

Sorry, Mom. 

And this is the point where I'm practically kicking myself, because seriously - golden Texas family boy who also looks like the modern age Brawny paper towel hottie (remember when we were younger and he had a mustache? I still think that guy is way hotter than the one that's on there now) in his flannel and jeans in the Montana mountains? Jesus. Good job, Bachelor producers...

The girls arrive in Whitefish, Montana. For A Good Time Call Daniella calls Sean her boyfriend, which is hilarious because I don't think I seen her have one private conversation with the guy yet. The girls all pull up to a fantastic lodge (called...wait for it...The Lodge) at Whitefish Lake, they ooh and aah over the rooms, and then Selma finds the date card. Temper Tantrum Tierra wants it and thinks, of course, that she deserves it, but instead, Lindsay gets it, and she cries a little because she's so excited, which does not make me worry a little for her emotional stability at all. The date card reads, "Let love soar"...do you guys think that they're going to fly somewhere? Maybe in a helicopter? Maybe in a plane? It would be so unexpected if they did!!!

The Most Non-Dramatic One-On-One Date Ever!

Sean walks into the girls lodge looking hot in a flannel, and he and Lindsay go off on their date...to find a helicopter waiting, of course! So they let love lift them up where they don't belong, where the eagles fly, on the mountainside, where they just lie around for a while, talking and making out during what looks like a picnic, but is really just a glorified make-out spot. 

Later that night we find them at another awesome lodge in Whitefish, and they're once again lying around, talking and making out, only this time it's in front of a roaring fire and they're actually drinking wine. They do seem pretty sweet together, and it's actually a nice, kind of normal one-on-one date, to tell the truth - just talking and getting to know each other. You can't talk much when you're jumping out of a plane.

Sean asks Lindsay to tell him about her childhood, bringing up the fact that she had told him previously that she was an Army brat. So she talks about hating to move around so much even though it made her a really strong person, and then she talks about her dad having to go off to war when she was younger and not knowing if she would ever see him gain, and so that's kind of why she now seeks security and family. Sean holds up the rose and rubs Lindsay's face with it. "This is just a preview of what's to come, Lindsay," he tells her. "You're going to make an amazing wife...will you accept this penis? I mean! Will you accept this rose!"

Lindsay smiles and tells him she will, and then Sean tells her he might have one more surprise for her. 

Unfortunately, as we find out, it's not the one in his pants. 

It's a concert in the middle of Whitefish with some band that no one's ever heard of! How surprising! How unpredictable! How fucking painful! 

Apparently, though, the entire town has come out to see the concert by Sarah Darling, because apparently the producers thought it would be super romantic to slow dance to a song that starts with, "I wanna be your cigarette." If the producers are going to keep insisting on making us sit through all these "private concerts" (and yes, I know that the owners of ABC also own a record label, which is the real reason for all of this), couldn't they at least get a good act? One that we're actually going to be excited about listening to while we have to watch Sean and Lindsay stand on a raised platform above the crowd and awkwardly sway back and forth?

And then Lindsay starts talking with her little girl voice again: "And I'm excited...because he likes me!" And suddenly I don't like her anymore.

Where We Talk A Lot About "Goat's Milk" But Where Everyone Is Actually Thinking About Something Else

Group Date a.k.a. torture time! The girls going on the "You make my heart race" date are Selma, Lifetime Original Movie AshLee, Bridal Betty/Des, Catherine, One-Armed Sarah, Lesley M., Robyn, and For A Good Time Call Daniella.

Which also means that the two-on-one date will be Temper Tantrum Tierra and Jackie. Tierra tells everyone she's so excited because that's exactly the stuff that immature girls do to annoy others, and Lifetime Original Movie AshLee comments that she thinks Tierra should be more sober (uh, I think you mean "somber") about it. Jackie thinks Tierra's a fake girl, because apparently this is the time where we all state the obvious.

But anyway! We got a group date to go on, which also means that we get to see what kind of cute "woodsy" outfits these girls can put together! Catherine wins with her super cute white beanie, and Selma loses with that god-awful sparkly/sequined headband that bugs me so much that it actually makes me angry, but I can't figure out why.
See?! Look how ugly that headband is!!
They pull up to a lake to find goats, canoes, and haybales,, and some huge logs with saws, and Chris announces that they're going to have a relay race! Because who doesn't love that, right?! They'll race canoes, move hay bales, and milk a goat. And the kicker is that, at the end, one of the girls has to drink the goat's milk to complete the competition, and get this: The losing team goes home/back to their free fantasy lodgings. YOU GUYS! WHY are they doing all of this unpredictable stuff this week?!!

Des says that she'll down that goat's milk, because she's used to downing white stuff, so she doesn't care. Which makes me laugh, because. Ha. Hahahahaahaha!
 
So they're divided up into the Blue Team and the Red Team, which stands for "All The Girls That I Like" and "All The Girls That I Could Really Care Less About". The canoe race starts, with Lesley and Catherine for the blue team, and Robyn and Selma for the red team. They all start out okay, but then they both start going the wrong way, which is hilarious to watch. Catherine and Lesley get righted, but Selma and Robyn keep losing directions, and Robyn tells us that they "must have gone into every bush there." Which, again. Ha. Hahahahahaahahha! Maybe Selma could have figured it out if she wouldn't have worn such an ugly headband, but alas, she was, so they totally lost the canoe race. 

But the Red Team gains momentum when it's time to move hay bales and saw the log, and even though their goat kicked over their glass of milk because the goat obviously knew that Sean's future wife was on the Blue Team, they still managed to fill up their glass before the Red Team. Des guzzles it, and it streams all over her face and shirt. 

Heh. 

Those goats must have eaten a lot of pineapple the night before the relay race.

So the Red Team wins. Des tells us she's excited that they won because she doesn't like to lose, ever, whcih is like the total opposite of everyone. The Blue Team has to go home, and they look pretty bummed about it.

The winning team - One-Armed Sarah, Robyn, Selma, Des - and Sean head to a bar in Whitefish, which looks cool.  There's not anyone on this team who are on my favorites, and apparently Sean agrees, because he suddenly decides to bend the rules a little bit. The next thing we know, Chris shows up at the Ladies Lodge and gives the Blue Team a date card. Lifetime Original Movie AshLee reads it, and it says that sending them home didn't feel good, so please join Sean at the party tonight. Chris says that Sean felt that sending the team home completely defeated his purpose of being here, and the girls start whooping and hollering because they're so excited to go to a bar where they get to sit around and maybe talk to Sean for five minutes each.

Then Sean tells the Red Team that he has decided to invite the Blue Team to the party.  Des is livid, because she drank a whole glass of goat's jizz milk and now isn't going to get anything out it, even though she and her team just did by having that whole time with Sean up until that point.

Meanwhile, back at the Ladies Lodge, Temper Tantrum Tierra is pissed that the losers get to spend time with Sean, and she doesn't. "That's not fair for me." 

I just...want...to hit...this girl. Like seriously, I don't advocate violence, but sometimes I think that punching her in her face while she's talking about "what's not fair" for her would feel sooooo good. 

And I feel like I'm not the first one to think that...or follow through on it. 

So Temper Tantrum Tierra decides that she needs to go find Sean because she doesn't know where his head is at, and she needs to find out. UGH!

Meanwhile, back at the "party", Selma's SO mad that they worked really hard to get that extra time and now they lost it. Robyn says that if one of the girls from the Blue Team gets the rose tonight, she's going to lose it. Lifetime Original Movie AshLee doesn't feel bad about it at all, because she is not here to be bypassed by some other lady who's building a better connection with Sean than her! (seriously, how do you guys like this girl?!) Sean is very excited to see the girls from the Blue Team. Sarah looks sulky, Robyn's pouting. Temper Tantrum Tierra is walking down the street, wearing one of the blue flannel shirts from the relay race, and goes into the bar. She walks in while Sean's doing a one-on-one with the camera, and the producer, right on cue, asks "Do you expect any more surprises tonight?", right as Tierra sneaks up behind him and puts her hands over his eyes.

Sean is shocked! to see her. He tells us he was happy to see her, but he had no idea why she was there. Tierra doesn't care what people think of her, and obviously not, because she tells him that she came all the way to Montana to spend time with him, which means that most people would think she's crazy and delusional since the show came all the way to Montana for the show and she's just along for the ride. So then she starts bugging him again about not having more time with him, and it's just like...how can you stand this stuff? This is stuff that girls used to do in the 10th grade. It's so annoying. She tells him that the two-on-one felt like a huge slap in the face, because it's all about her and not about Sean, and Sean doesn't say much. They kiss and she leaves, saying that she's glad that she did what her gut told her to do and that she got all of that out, and she feels so much better now...notice that she doesn't care if Sean feels so much better, just that she does. Sean tells us that the fact that she came out tonight...he doesn't know what to make of it. EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD DOES, AND IT MEANS THAT SHE'S PSYCHO.

Des and Sean have some one-on-one time, and Des complains some more about having to drink goat jizz milk and then not getting the reward. Lifetime Original Movie AshLee interrupts, like, two seconds after Sean and Des sit down, and it is actually pretty rude. AshLee tells us that she thinks that obviously there's one person in the Blue Team that he wants to spend time with, and she can't help but think that it's her (nope! It's not! It's Catherine, you crazy bitch!) And then she gets all sappy and soft with him, which Sean seems to like, even though it's totally gross. They tell each other that they adore each other, and then they kiss. Lifetime Original Movie AshLee then tells us that she can honestly say that from the bottom of her crooked face and her crazy brain that she is falling in love with Sean.

Catherine and Sean walk out onto the street to go somewhere "private", and Sean picks up Catherine and carries her over to a bench, and it's SO adorable I can't even stand it. She sits on his lap, and instead of it being weird, it looks cute and totally normal, like they've been doing this stuff for years. For A Good Time Call Daniella walks down the stairs in her ugly neon green cotton dress and Sunday morning church cardigan to go find Sean...she opens the door to the outside and sees that Catherine is on Sean's lap, so she turns back and starts crying. Daniella feels bad becuse she's one of the last ones to get time with Sean, and that he's connected with a lot of the girls already, and she doesn't want to feel like she has to fight for it, even though that's the whole entire point of this show. 

Sean and Catherine come back, and he asks Daniella to come and talk to him. She starts crying again, and unlike all the other Bachelors ever, Sean doesn't freak out when he sees tears, and is actually really caring and nice. He reassures her that even though she's got god-awful roots in her hair and the worst fashion sense of the house, he still likes being with her and he always has fun with her. He doesn't want her to feel like he's forgotten about her, because while that's the closest thing to the truth for everyone else, it's the furthest thing from the truth according to that moment. She goes in for the kiss, and it seriously looks and sounds like the Super Bowl Go Daddy Commercial where the model kisses the nerd. Loud smacking noises and everything. Gross. 

So the date ends and Sean tells the girls that he's very happy he invited the Blue Team back. He tells the girls that he had a great time today, and that one of the girls definitely stood out because she showed a side he hadn't seen before. He gives the rose to Daniella. Robyn is so pissed! It's hilarious.

Two Women, One Rose: One Stays, One Goes

Time for the two-on-one date! Pretty Jackie and Temper Tantrum Tierra head out for their date with Sean, and Tierra tells us that she's going to put herself out there because you have to be aggressive. God...she's like a spoiled five year old princess. Even just her face is annoying to me. Then she tells us that Jackie has no idea that she's out on a date with Tierra and her husband, and then bursts out laughing. Ever notice that the only time Tierra laughs is when she's making fun of someone?

Horses! They're going on a horse-riding date. Jackie's horse is lagging behind, which is awkward. Jackie tells us that there's something she feels Sean should know about Tierra, which basically means that Jackie's going to go home. Jackie and Sean get some time together on a mountain side, and she goes right into the Tierra spiel. "I'm not one way around the girls and another way around you," she tells him. "Are you implying that someone else is?" Sean asks. No, no! But YES. So then Jackie tells him that Tierra saw a cute guy at the airport on their way to Montana that she started flirting with him. Sean tells her that that's something that does directly affect him, so he does need to know that stuff, and it looks, for the moment, that Jackie won't fall under the dreaded curse of "There's Something You Should Know About One Of The Girls Here." 

There's a lot of gulping of wine and eating of fish at dinner, and Sean takes Tierra outside to talk to her. 
Tierra pretty much knows that Jackie probably talked shit about her to Sean (which is a sure sign that you're a shitty person, if you automatically suspect that someone is always talking shit about you). She tells him that she has the biggest heart (nope) and she just wants to love and be loved back. THEN she tells him about her boyfriend of 5 years, and how he was in and out of rehab. Which doesn't surprise me at all, actually, that Tierra had a boyfriend who was in and out of rehab. She tells Sean that she stuck by this boyfriend, and then he passed away in 2009, while they were still together, and she felt like she lost her best friend. That's why she is the way she is - she's scared of losing someone again.

Sean TOTALLY EATS THIS UP. I mean, whatever - I feel bad for anyone who's lost someone that young, but she totally ripped that story out to be manipulative. And he fell for it, of course. 

So they go back inside, and Sean picks up the rose, and you know he's going to give it to Tierra. And then he gives it to Tierra. He says that he hates sending a sweet girl like Jackie home, but obviously not enough to send a psycho girl like Tierra home instead. As he walks Jackie out, she tells her that she wants him to be careful with his heart, which of course means, "Stop believing psycho bitches and start making smart decisions, asshat." 

Sean and Tierra go and sit by a campfire. Fireworks start, and Tierra again acts like the most annoying 5-year-old in the world. .Jackie's crying on her way home, and I feel bad for her. Tierra tells us that she saw tears forming in Jackie's eyes when Tierra got the rose, and then Tierra breaks out into a huge psycho laugh that's actually kind of scary.

Cocktail Party In Big Lie Country

During the cocktail party, Sean gets some one-on-one time with Des, who looks a lot cuter without her dumb bangs in the way. Des feels like he gives roses to the girls who are having a hard time, and she tells him that his decisions are confusing. Sean kind of gets defensive and wants to know what's confusing, even though EVERYONE in the WORLD knows that she means him giving roses to Tierra all the time. Sean tells Des that he wants her to be honest with him and not keep him in the dark if there's something that he needs to know, but instead, Des wusses out and doesn't tell him, because she's much more comfortable talking about people behind their backs than she is about being honest to someone's face. They leave it at that and Sean tells us he doesn't feel good about where he is with Des right now.

The girls are all sitting around, and they start talking about Jackie and how she was the sweetest person in the house. Tierra storms off like a 5 yr old and goes and sits by herself in another room. Tierra wishes that she was a fighter, she honestly does, because then she would beat the shit out of these bitches! Which is a totally normal and mentally healthy thing to say. Robyn, however, is sick of this BS. Robyn is so sick of her, she will make this into the Bad Girls Club! Which is, like, the BEST quote all season. Robyn and Lesley go and start talking to Tierra. Tierra immediately starts having a temper tantrum again. Robyn states that Tierra is one way when the cameras are off, and another way when the cameras are on. Lesley tells Tierra that her problem with her is, that, usually, when people ask other people questions, they answer them like a normal human beings (which implies that Tierra doesn't, which was hilarious and amazing. I love Lesley). 

But in case you missed it, Tierra doesn't care what you say. She only cares how you look at each other. About her. And she's NOT insecure, everyone else is, and they all need to stop worrying about her and everything she does, because she is like SO over this!

Tierra is kind of that girl that you knew in 2nd grade whose dad had another family in Texas and whose mom was kind of a golddigger floozy who drove a red convertible and wore really low cut tops and flirted with all the other dads at school so badly that it even made you uncomfortable, even though you were in 2nd grade and barely knew anything. And the girl loved to brag about her mom even though nobody even cared and she was always trying really hard to get all the attention from the teachers and faking injuries on the playground so she could cry and get people to feel sorry for her and stealing and hoarding all the best crayons during color time and just being generally such a total spoiled brat that sometimes, when you had to stand behind her in the lunch line, you might have pulled her hair or poked her in the back with the sharp end of your pencil, and then when she tried to cry to the principal about it, you acted like you had no idea! what she was talking about and since the principal couldn't stand her, either, you totally got off scot-free and she started crying and screaming and stamping her feet and she tried to call her mom to get you into trouble but her mom was like, "Tierra, stop being such a crybaby, and don't call me from school anymore - you know I'm on a ski trip in Aspen with Richard" and you kind of felt bad for her again because seriously, how much would it suck to have a mom like that who obviously didn't really want to be a mom but also deep down, how much would it suck to have a daughter like that so you didn't really feel bad at all, not even when she got pregnant right out of high school, because even though that would suck for someone else, you're pretty sure that she poked holes in her boyfriend's condom so he couldn't go away to college and leave her while she started her Mary Kay business after graduation in your hometown, because that's exactly the type of girl that she was.

So anyway, it was kind of hilarious to see Tierra get called out and then throw a total fit about it. Sean walks by while Tierra is "getting heated" with Robyn. Sean tells us that he doesn't know if the girls are ganging up on her, and that he needs to get to the bottom of it, so he goes and finds Tierra and takes her outside to talk. Tierra is like, "What the heck, all these girls are ganging up on me, even though I'm not doing anything to any of these girls", and then tells him, "I'm not a drama person at all." BULLSHIT! EVERYONE who's a TOTAL DRAMA person says they're not a drama person at all. It's like the people who say they're a really good judge of character - they are the WORST judges of character! Sean asks her who's ganging up on her, and she replies, "EVERYONE!" Which should really be his first warning sign, but of course it's not. "It's just frustrating for me," Tierra continues, "Because I am such a nice girl, and no one gives me credit here." Well. I mean...she's good at lying, right?

Sean doesn't want to be naive, so he decides to go talk to someone else about it. Sean pulls Lesley away, and he tells her that he keeps hearing Tierra's name come up, and that he's frustrated because everyone is so vague. He asks Lesley if there's anything he needs to know about Tierra that directly affects him. Lesley tells him that it's not an easy question to answer. She tells him that Teirra is very cold, and that she doesn't care about making friends with any of the girls here. But Sean still doesn't feel like he has any proof of whether Tierra is a nice girl or if she's the kind of girl that everyone else says that she is. 

Men of the Earth: In the entire history of The Bachelor, the girls have never complained about or ganged up on any girl who was actually just "a really nice girl" who didn't deserve it. NEVER. NEVER EVER. 

And I'm kind of frustrated because no one is getting up the balls to JUST TELL HIM about how psycho Tierra is, even though he's ASKING them to. This is different than taking your alone time with Sean as an opportunity to bash some other girl. He WANTS to know what he's missing. UGH!

So Sean is upset, and he goes and talks to Chris. He tells Chris that he hasn't had a great week, and he's wondering if maybe none of the women here really are the right one for him. If maybe his future wife isn't in this room! Because he keeps hearing Tierra's name come up, but no one actually offers him any actual proof. This would be a GREAT time for Chris to offer some video footage of Tierra to Sean, but of course he doesn't, and so they go to the Rose Ceremony.

Sean's upset at the Rose Ceremony, and tells the girls that the week has been really turbulent for him. He's leaving this week with more questions this time instead of answers. The girls all roll their eyes and sigh, because seriously - you did this to yourself, Sean. If everyone is telling you that Tierra is bad news, why would you question everyone but Tierra? 

So in a move that surprised no one, Robyn went home. 

In the Limo of Tears, she tells us that Sean was someone she really cared for. She barely knew him! God I love this show...

At the part where the girls raise their champagne glasses to the eliminated girls' sweet, sweet salty tears, Selma looks at the girl next to her, and kind of motions with her eyes to Tierra and then the door and whispers, "Watch out." Like Robyn left because she was fighting with Tierra instead of Robyn just not being a good fit for Sean. It could be both. Who cares. 

AND TONIGHT! The gang goes to the Canadian Rockies, and from what I could gather from the preview, this is what happens: 

Catherine and Sean have a one-on-one date in an ice castle made of dreams and romance. Lifetime Original Movie AshLee pushes Tierra into glacial water and holds her down for a while, then calls for a medic. Tierra is kind of cold, but not really, and fakes hypothermic shock. Sean is once again rendered stupid by Tierra's puppy dog eyes. Tierra gets in a fight with someone and tells them that she's above them and this is over! AshLee plots once again to kill Tierra, this time for good.

See you tomorrow!

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