Welcome to Episode 6 of The Bachelor: Sean Loves Jesus, Texas, and You! This is also the second part of a marathon two-episode week of The Bachelor. You may have wondered, "Why would they do that? Why would they gives us Bachelor goodness twice this week?" and then you tuned in at the regular time and realized, "OH! ABC is going to force me to watch a cooking show at the regular time so they can scoop up some Bachelor ratings before the real main event starts at 8! Fuck you, ABC!"
Because seriously. Cooking competitions. Who cares, right?
Anyway! The kids are in Canada, and people almost die.
More stories of how the producers are on a quest to kill all the girls in the most stunningly painful ways possible after the jump!
So it appears from the opening of our episode that we have, indeed, traded Shirtless Sean for Wilderness Sean. It must get lonely for Sean to be wandering the wilderness all the time, just alone with his thoughts as he climbs rocks, skips over driftwood, and stares out onto the horizon. He seems to like the solitude, though. Too bad he's on this amazing journey with 50 dramatic women who never want to leave him alone.
So the girls arrive in Canada, and those bitches get to stay at the Fairmont Chateau on Lake Louise! I got to stay there once when I was in middle school, but like all bratty middle schoolers, I didn't fully appreciate it, mostly because there didn't seem to be any cute 12-year-old boys there that I could fall in love with, and thus at one point I remarked that it was "Pretty much the most boring hotel in the history of the universe."
But now, as an adult...well. Let's just say that somebody might be going on the show soon just so she can start getting fabulous free trips all around the world for nothing more than saying, "I think I'm falling for him" a few times on camera.
A Frostbite Fairytale
The first one-on-one date is for Catherine, and we find her standing in the middle of exactly nowhere - there's mountain peaks around her, it's snowing, it's so windy that she can't see anything, and she's not even wearing a jacket. And we think, "They going to leave her here. Sean's never going to come, and she's going to die by freezing to death, and this is where it all ends for her." Because, come on - WHO IS COMING UP WITH THESE DATES?! Because whoever it is, they need to get fired.
Luckily for Catherine, Sean soon pulls up in an Ice Explorer Snow Bus. He's driving it, even. He gets out, and he is giddy. He tells her that they're going to go sledding on a glacier...even though it looks fucking miserable out on that glacier right now. But romantic, right? Nothing like dying of cold while trying to impress someone on a date. Great job, Bachelor! Even Sean is like, "It's so cold that it's miserable, but I guess we're still going to do this thing." So they ride the snow bus over a glacier (really great for that glacier, too, I bet. Nothing like saving the environment for romance, eh?). They go sledding, then they do flips and headstands and walk on their hands and do cartwheels and make snow angels, and with anyone else (*cough* Courtney and Ben) it would be stupid and look forced, but with Catherine it looks totally adorable and super fun. But still, it's so cold that Sean's hair and eyebrows literally are white with frost by the end of it.
Later that night and back at the Chateau, they get dressed up and Sean leads Catherine out to a carriage ride, which also leads to an ice castle built just for them (now we're talking, producers).
The inside is set up like a winter wonderland, with a fire pit all lit up and and roses in blocks of ice, and it's like, WHOA. It seriously does look like a fairy tale.
So they sit and talk, and then Catherine starts telling him about a very traumatic experience that happened to her when she was 12. And I really like Catherine, but sometimes I feel like The Bachelor should be renamed "The Bachelor: Painful, Uncomfortable, & Tragic Confessions Complete With White Wine and Magnificent Fireplaces." Because I get from a psychology standpoint that sharing your most painful experiences creates bonding, but come on. Enough with the sob stories.
But since I do not own the show yet, Catherine continues to tell us that when she was 12 and at summer camp (and no, this isn't going to go how you think it's going to go), she was walking on a narrow path with a girl in front of her when they heard a snap. AND THEN A FUCKING TREE FELL AND CRUSHED THE GIRL IN FRONT OF HER, KILLING HER INSTANTLY!!!
Seriously. Like, what the shit, nature!!!! If it were ANYBODY else, I would be calling Sean right and telling him to GET AWAY FROM HER, because obviously she's the original Final Destination girl and this is only going to end badly for everyone around her.
So from that, Catherine tells Sean, she learned how fast things can be taken from you. While she's telling him this, she seems on the verge of tears, but since she's a champ, she holds it together.
And seriously? Catherine and Sean are SOOOO cute together. Like, adorbs city. I don't think I've quite seen a couple on the show yet who seem so totally giddy and gleeful when they're with each other, and in that way that doesn't make you want to puke, but instead feel like...hey. This is how this stuff actually works. And the big telling point is that Sean smiles wider at her than he does with any of the other girls - in a way that is supremely noticeable. Catherine is soooo still my #1 pick.
The Group Date...of DEATH!
Time for a little group date action! Temper Tantrum Tierra (burned for another one-on-one date! HAHAHAHAHAHA!), One-Armed Sarah, Lifetime Original Movie AshLee, Lindsay, Selma, Lesley, and For A Good Time Call Daniella are all picked to "bare their souls" with Sean.
The first part of the date involves more canoing, since that went so well the last time. One-Armed Sarah talks again about how this is a bit of a challenge for her, and suddenly I start wondering if the producers just simply hate her - because seriously, at this point it seems like all they do is sit around and go, "Okay, guys, so we're going to send Sarah on another group date...what else could we do that would be almost impossible for a one-armed person to do?"
There's space in Sean's canoe for another person, and Lesley volunteers to get in with him. She's cute about it, but of course the other girls don't like it, and Selma makes some weird joke about wanting sharks to come and eat their canoe, and then does this really weird psycho laugh thing. But, it's probably hard to laugh like a normal person with those boobs, you know? Probably the weight of them cuts off air to the lungs or something.
They land on the other side of the lake to find two tents set up. They get out, and Sean announces to them that they're going to do a Polar Bear Plunge. In GLACIAL water. Honestly, it's seriously ridiculous, and this is where I, once again, continue to suspect that this season's goal is to kill some girls, because first roller derby, then Catherine and Sean's date of frostbite, and now this? Even in full winter gear, the girls are shivering their asses off. Selma, for her part, immediately decides that she's not going to do it. And you can call her a princess, but she doesn't care! Her people are from Baghdad, she tells us. They're warm weather people. Warm weather. Which, funnily enough, reminds me of the time when she went to the desert with Sean and complained THAT SHE CAN'T HANDLE HEAT! And remember how I kept my mouth shut about that and didn't say anything about that being strange considering her heritage? VINDICATION IS MINE.
Sean notices that a lot of girls seem stoked (like Lesley, who's "totally fine with getting hypothermia for a rose. Sean is going to come and save me and then gives me CPR and then shock me and then we get to make out! It's all good." She is hilarious. I love her.), other girls don't. Both Lifetime Original AshLee and Temper Tantrum Tierra look like they're going to cry. AshLee says some bullshit about how this is going to make her emotionally vulnerable or some shit like that, and Tierra tells us, "I don't want to do this. It's freezing. I really don't want to do this. I'm going to die."
Good. That's what we're hoping for.
But they decide to do it, and the girls continue to freak out and start to get ready while Selma just sits on the bench and dabs on some more lip gloss, which is kind of hilarious.
So the girls get in their bikinis and, with Sean, they hop around in the cold (yeah. It was definitely more a Bachelor Pad moment than a Bachelor one) and then run and jump in the lake.
They jump out and run back to the tents, whooping and screaming. One-Armed Sarah tells us that it felt amazing, AshLee says some more shit about how this was an incredible breakthrough, and Lesley says that it was incredible.
Tierra, however, suddenly "can't breath." She's wandering around, not keeping that aluminum heat blanket thing on (like, she's literally flapping her arms, flinging it away), and grabbing at the medics. They wrap her up in blankets, and she folds over, acting like she's not responsive. They load her up with more blankets and carry her out.
They get her in the car, get her all wrapped up, and one of the EMT checks her vitals. Catherine and Des are watching from the balcony, and Des totally flips out, repeating over and over, "I need to know who that is, I need to know who that is." You know...one of those moments when it's not about you but you make it about you? Des is pretty good at those.
Back at the car, Tierra is shaking and looking at her hands like she's blanking out or something, and the medic asks her if she knows what date is is. She says, "nuh uh."
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS HOW WE KNOW SHE WAS FAKING IT.
Not to get all personal, but I spent some time as a First Responder and an EMT-in-training. And when you're literally in shock, if someone asks you what date it is, there's a basic cognitive response from your brain that causes you to at least reflexively respond with an answer resembling a date. Most of the time you say your birthday. But saying "nuh uh" to "What date is it?" is like saying "nuh uh" to "how many fingers am I holding up?" It takes more effort for your brain to come up with a contrary, unrelated response than it does to give a related, almost-reflexive answer.
And I'm not going to say that she wasn't cold. She was probably cold. Her lips were a little blue and she was shivering. But she also wasn't moving around - she was sitting, folded over, being carried, etc, which means that her heart was pumping less oxygen to her bloodstream after a severe temperature shock. And, severe shivering can be exacerbated by a psychosomatic response, and from everything we know of Tierra, she definitely likes to exaggerate the situation. She got a concussion from falling UP the stairs, you know? And just because her mascara is running down her face doesn't mean she's dying. It means that she forgot to wear waterproof makeup, and that she's a big drama queen.
Catherine and Des come into Tierra's room to see what happened. Tierra tells them, "They made us jump in the lake." Incorrect: They didn't make anyone jump in the lake. Selma didn't. You didn't have to, either. Granted, it was a horrible, horrible idea, but you chose to do it. Catherine and Des both tell us that Tierra looked terrible. In fact, they say that "she looked like she was in such a horrible state that they worried about the other girls."
Meanwhile, Daniella, Lindsay, Lesley, and Sarah are all whooping and hollering back to their hotel rooms, exclaiming about how "AMAZING" the Polar Plunge was.
Sean comes into Tierra's room to check up on her. She's lying in bed with an oxgen tube around her nose. She starts laughing and telling him that she doesn't want him to see her like this "for the third time" (even though she totally LOVES that he gets to see her like this). "I'm always getting hurt around you!" she tells him. "Well, you keep finding ways to get time with me," Sean replies, and it's pretty much one of the only times I want to hit him. THAT'S THE POINT, YO. And suddenly every person in America sees a future of ridiculous medical bills that Sean has to pay because Tierra had another overreaction to something or needed some more attention.
Later that night, Sean and the other girls gather for the "party" portion of the group date. The girls are excited that Tierra won't be there for the date so there won't be any drama. Lelsey and Sean have some one-on-one time, and Lesley tells him that her feelings for him are very real and intense. Sean tells her that he appreciates her so much, loves her energy, etc. And I kind of get the sad feeling that he still really likes Lesley, but not as much as he maybe likes some of the other girls (and definitely not as much as Catherine).
Sean goes to find One-Armed Sarah, who looks really cute and has a surprise planned for him. She brought pictures of her family to show Sean...and while she's showing him these pictures, I can't help but notice that her nails are painted, and that distracts me because then I start wondering, "How does she paint her nails? How does she do her hair? How does she get her coat on?" Meanwhile, she's showing him pictures of her dad and her Cabbage Patch Doll and her as a baby, because she's so excited for him to one day meet her family and she wanted to give him a little glimpse into what that would be like. And this is one of those moments where it's confusing...because before, it was obvious that he was smitten by her, but now we get the feeling that he likes her in the way that a really great guy feels about a girl that he thinks of as a little sister. Like, Sean could be her absolute best guy pal. But in terms of romance, it seems clear from the way he interacts with her that he doesn't see her as a potential wife, and that he's probably not going to meet her family at this stage in the game.
Meanwhile, back at Fake Medical Emergency Suite #1, Tierra is doing her makeup, because she's not having fun at all! and even though she's frozen, she doesn't care! She wants time with Sean, and she'll do anything it takes.
Which, apparently means crashing the group date again.
Daniella, Lindsay, AshLee, and Lesley are sitting around talking about Tierra. Lesley tells us that Tierra is a professional at getting attention. "We have a Tierriaist on our hands."
BEST QUOTE EVER!
So Tierra shows up, and she and Sean go and talk, and Sean asks Tierra if, at the end of all of this, would she like to be proposed to. Which is weird because he hasn't asked anyone else about that, which gives me fear for the future. Tierra says some shit about just wanting to live in this crazy world with him and seeing his face pop around the door at the end of the day, blah blah blah. I blocked most of it out because I don't care and am hoping that it's never going to matter.
Everybody comes together again, Sean holds up the rose, and we think that Sean is going to give the rose to Tierra for her fake hypothermia, because, as Des correctly stated, that seems to be a habit with him. Instead! He gives it to Lesley! That was awesome. Tierra is pissed because she thinks that she deserves it, of course, and she's put up with a lot. A lot of faking, she means.
Everybody gets back to the hotel after the date, and Sean tells us that he's feeling upset because someone told him just how much it would mean to her for him to meet her family, and he just doesn't see that happening. Which means he's sending One-Armed Sarah home. He walks into the girls room and gets Sarah, and brings her back to his room. He tells her that lately he feels like he's been trying to force it with her (which is, like, the most painful thing you can tell a girl). He wanted it to work with them so badly, and it just hasn't been there, and he feels like they've mostly just been reaching. Poor girl. Sarah tells him that she would be lying if she told him she didn't feel totally hurt and surprised and caught off guard. And he tells her that she's by far one of the most incredible girls he's ever met, and you do kind of believe him. He tells her that he's telling her all this now because he doesn't want her to sit around all day tomorrow and during the rose ceremony if it's not in her best interests to do so, which...I mean. The guy is pretty honorable, yeah? She starts crying, and he walks her back to the room and tells her to take her time, that he'll be waiting for her when she's ready to go. She stands in the hallway and just kind of cries by herself for a minute, and it's so, so heartbreaking, you guys. Finally she walks back into the girls room and tells the girls that she's going home.
During confessional, she starts crying some more. The explanation is always the same, she says. "You're an amazing girl, you're so special, and I want to connect with you but I just don't, and someone's going to be so lucky with you, and I don't want to put you through this." She says that she just doesn't want to be told forever how great she is and what she deserves, and almost every girl who's ever been dumped simply nods her head and agrees with her. Because that, right there? Totally sucks. And it's gotta suck even more for someone like Sarah, who is so incredible and special and sweet and beautiful, but has a disability that makes all those things even harder for her.
So she leaves, and pretty much we're all crying at this point, because Sarah is amazing and I know that I made fun of her for talking about her arm so much but seriously. Make her the next Bachelorette, ABC.
OH, While We're In This Teepee, Let Me Just Tell You About Growing Up In A Tent!
The third date of the week is a one-on-one...with Desiree. As Catherine noted, that's a bold move, to give Des a second one-on-one when neither Daniella or Tierra have gotten a first one-on-one. And seriously, Daniella just cried to you the other night because she's not getting one-on-ones, Sean! Come ON!
But anyway, Sean and Des. Sean takes Des to the top of a mountain and then tells her that he's taking her on a picnic, but that it's at the bottom of the mountain, so they have to repel down. Des is scared, and at this point, between the roller derby and the polar plunge, I don't think anyone would be surprised if she ended up plunging to her death. But she doesn't and it's boring, and I spend most of this time making pizza for my friends, because snore. The one thing I did catch was her saying, "It would be a lot harder if Sean wasn't here right now." Well then you wouldn't even be doing it, Bridal Betty.
So they make it down, they have a picnic, talk about not doubting what they have or giving up on it, zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Then Des challenges him to a tree climbing competition, and talks a big game about how she could totally beat him at climbing trees. Sean SMOKES her at climbing the tree, which is hilarious.
Then we see them at night, walking through the woods with only a lantern/the entire film and lighting crew. They alight upon a teepee - "what's this doing here!" - that has a roaring fire pit set up inside and some questionable Native American decorations. Des starts to tell Sean about how she doesn't care about money, how she used to live in a tent, and about going to a really nice school and being dropped off on the bus at the trailer park. She says that she never felt any tension and resentment in her family during that time, and that her parents just made it work for their family, etc. And I kind of like her better now that I know that she grew up poor (but not by much, for the record). Sean grabs the rose and tells her how special he thinks she is and how excited he is about where this is going. She gets the rose, they make out, etc. They do have good kissing chemistry, I have to admit. Sean tells us that he can see himself proposing to Des, even though in the back of our minds we're thinking, "Yeah, but she's still not Catherine..."
Bringing Shame Upon Your Family Won't Even Get You A Rose When You're At The Cruelest Rose Ceremony EVER
At the cocktail party, Selma decides to show Sean that since she didn't have the courage to do the Polar Plunge, she'll show him that she has the courage to do something different. So during her one-on-one time with Sean, she gives him a really still, long, closed-mouth kiss. Which is a huge shame to her family, she tells us, "But Mama, please forgive me. I had to bring out the big guns tonight." And by "big guns", she meant, "Check out these totally huge jugs in this really reveling dress, everyone! Rocky mountains? Check out THESE mountains! Rosebuds? I'LL show you ROSEBUDS! Big guns? Pow-pa-pow-pow!""
I could do this all day.
Lindsay brings Sean out to the fire, and she tells him that she's not going to kiss him the whole time, since when they're together all they do is kiss. So instead they talk. And they're a lot of fun together. Sean wants to know something about her that he doesn't know. "I sleep naked," she replies. "I support that!" he laughs. "The other girls aren't as accepting of it," she says, without missing a beat. It is HILARIOUS. Seriously, that girl is a riot without even having to try.
Lifetime Original Movie AshLee gives him a scarf and tells him that it represents the opportunity to blindfold her and take control of their relationship. Growing up and feeling like your mom and dad don't want you makes you want to control everything in your life, she weepily tells us, and yes, it's sad and I admit it, because I'm not a monster. So, she tells us, giving up to control to Sean and making yourself vulnerable is a big step for her. So Sean carries her somewhere and sets her on a bench and she tells him that she's kind of freaking out, so he kisses her with the blindfold still on, and it's really sweet and kind of hot. BUT. I'm kind of tired of these girls acting like Sean is their therapist. He comes out winning every time, but this is The Bachelor, not Damaged Girls Therapy House.
At the Rose Ceremony, For A Good Time Call Daniella looks rough. And worried. No one-on-one date with Sean while Des got a second one? That's a bad sign. Sean calls out the names, and at the last rose, it's between Selma, Daniella, and Tierra. Sean gives the last rose to Tierra, sending home Selma and Daniella.
I feel bad for Daniella, since she didn't even get a chance to make a connection with him outside of group dates. And I also kind of feel bad for Selma, who kissed him on national TV at the risk of shaming her family (I'm not going to get into her boobalicious outfits or her huge displays of physical affection. If Bible camp girls can remain virgins until they're married while still doing everything else but sex and keep the "I Waited" pride, then she can, too) and still got sent home. Selma tells us that she came here to fall in love, and she's leaving with a memory. A heartbreak and a memory. And it's really hard for her to leave and know that Tierra's in there, having a glass of champagne, which, for real. I feel you, lady - that would piss me off royally. Daniella tells us that she's in complete shock. She's says that she's keeping a straight face, but she never got that shot with him. And she's over having a broken heart. She really is. Also, let's get that girl a makeover, because again, she looks totally rough...oy. That hair, those clothes (what's with the unflattering cotton/rayon blends, Daniella? You look like a cocktail waitress in a dive club)...not a good look for a buxom babe (unless she's going to a 90s themed party).
Anyway! The girls all raise a glass, Sean announces that "You six are the six for me!", which is hilarious, because where else does that make sense except on Sister Wives, and they all do a cheers to more unrealistic dates, this time in the tropics.
Who do you think will be the next to go? Who's in your Top 4 now that the girls got totally decimated by some surprising eliminations this week? Spill it!
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