Wednesday, June 12, 2013

The Bachelorette Recap, Episode 3: Where Everything In This Episode Is Like a Movie, Except Not Funny or Entertaining.

My tweet showed up on last week's episode. Congratulations, everyone, I'm famous now!
Welcome to Episode 3 of The Bachelorette: Des Was Poor, Bachelorette Babies! Let's just get right to it, shall we?

"It's Like War," Only It's Dodgeball, So Actually Not Like War At All

Our fairy tale opens up on the Rosebuds hanging out at the house. Group date card time! Everybody hates Ben. He knows this. He doesn't care. "Love is a battlefield," everybody.

The Rosebuds pull up to a garage. Des is wearing gym gear. The guys think she looks "gorgeous, as usual." This is nice, since it means that they have super low standards and it gives me hope that I can spend the rest of my romantic life in yoga clothes and still get laid, as per my dream. Des opens the garage door to reveal a dodgeball team. Some captain reads a bunch of stuff off a cue card about this being "the real deal", and guys start throwing balls at the wall and talk about how this is like being on the A-Team, which is hilarious, because there's no way Mr. T would ever let a fool even try and throw a ball at his face.

During this WHOLE TIME, the Rosebuds kept saying stuff like, "balls are flying" and "this one guy's ball came right at my face", "you don't even notice the whiz of the balls flying right by your face" AND THIS IS WHEN I KNEW THE REAL REASON WHY THE PRODUCERS PICKED THIS DATE.

Chris shows up and throws out a twist that everyone saw coming - the guys are gonna Dodgeball Battle EACH OTHER for the chance at MORE TIME with DES! Whaaaaat?! They never do that on this show! Michael G seems to have a natural talent for over-explaining the most obvious things - first he tells us that he now gets what Des meant by "love is a battlefield", because this date is about Dodgeball. Then he tells us that "Winner takes all" means that whichever of the two teams wins gets to have more time with Des. Gosh, Michael G! I was so confused before, but now, because of you, I feel like I have all the answers! Please explain to me what "All the days that end in Y" means, too.

So Chris tells them that they're going to play the game in a very public arena. The guys get suited up and arrive at some location in L.A, sporting headbands and tube socks. Des acts like it's way more hilarious than it actually is. Michael G tells us that this isn't "his grandfather's dodgeball." Really, Michael G? Your grandfather played dodgeball? I'm tired of you talking. Shut up.

Des tells us that SHE remembers playing dodgeball as a child, too. "Throwing the balls at all the guys." *giggle* "I really go at it." You, too, Des. It's time for you to shut up, too. 

Blue team wins a game, then red team wins a game. It's down to the third and final game on who wins. And here comes Michael G again with his stunningly brilliant commentary: "This is all the marbles. And what we think of as marbles are all the minutes with Des at the end of the night."

Brooks breaks a finger. Michael G says more stupid stuff about how serious this dumb game is. Blue team wins, thanks to Zak K. Des makes it all not worth it by announcing that she's taking everybody to the afterparty. Glad you guys all worked so hard to win for the prize that everyone gets anyway! Look like none of it was worth it. Please also take a moment to wonder if this is also going to be the overall moral arc of this show.

So, Brooks broke a finger. A FINGER. And yet he's rushed to the hospital in an ambulance, and he's talking like he's having an out of body experience - "my body just felt really light...and there were all these doctors...and stuff was all hooked up to me. It was one of the most painful things I've had happen to me in my life."

You broke a finger. Right? One of the smallest bones in your body. A finger.

Group date by a pool! Some guy tells Des about his kid - Medic? Madoc? - and how he hit his drunk ex-girlfriend one night because she tried to leave him. Another guy tried to push Des off the roof of a skyscraper. Brooks arrives, holding his finger up like a gun and threatening to kill whoever did this to him. Des doesn't give a shit that Brooks broke his finger and he almost died, and she gives the date rose to Chris.

What? It's ANOTHER private concert? By a sucky band no one has ever heard of? This episode is just so full of surprises! Des and Chris slow dance to the band and start making out. Brandon creeps on them and watches them kiss, like a total creepstar. Then he gets upset about it, and that's when I knew that he was probably going to end up crying soon.

The Girlfriend That Anyone Would Want To Go On A Reality TV Show To Get Away From

Des is hanging out at her Malibu Beach House, fake-writing in her journal about her date that day with Kasey, when Chris calls her cell. Something weird is happening at the Rosebud Mansion! Des needs to get over there right now! She jumps in her Bentley (which by now I know is a product placement, because c'mon) and heads over to the Rosebud Mansion, telling us that she's usually really good about "knowing about...people" which, when people say that, it usually means that they're not good at it at all.

Des walks into the Rosebud Mansion and pulls Brian out to talk to him, grilling him about his sincerity and where he's at with all of this. Chris comes walking in with a girl. Des and Brian talk about his ex-girlfriend and how, even though they weren't "compatible", they're still good friends and it's not awkward at all. "Great, because she's actually here," Des say, in a stunning case of perfect timing orchestrated by a crackerjack team of producers. "Hi, I'm Stephanie" the chick says. "I'm Brian's girlfriend." "OH GEEZ!" Brian blurts out, looking sheepishly at Chris and then at the camera.

So, it turns out that Brian told this girl that he wouldn't see anyone else, and that she tried to break up with him a day before he left for the show, and he told her that he just needed time to get things sorted out. She brought up Donovan, her son, who apparently this guy has been a role model to. More accusations fly. Stephanie doesn't want to let anyone else talk, and bulldozes Chris about a hundred times when he tries to interrupt her to bring this scene back on track. She calls Brian a pig and asks him how he could do this to her. He was like, "Easy. You throw rocks at my face and you won't let Chris Harrison talk." Stephanie drops the bomb that she and Brian slept together two nights before coming to the house, which Brian admits to, and so Des basically kicks him out. 

Bye bye Brian!
Sidenote: "Stephanie" is also Stephanie Larimore, a Playboy Playmate. Which doesn't really change the fact that she's loud, annoying, and kind of mentally unstable (you threw rocks at your boyfriend's face?! WTF), but still. Nice work so far, Brian - a Playboy Playmate and The Bachelorette? Yeah, you'll be fine. Brush yourself off and go find yourself one of those Beverly Hills Nannies or something.

Oh my god. Then Brandon starts crying about the fact that Brian left a single mother, because that happened to him a lot when he was young - he would bond with his mom's boyfriends and then he would wake up one day and they would be gone. He's still such a hurt, lost little boy in his heart that it's kind of painful to watch.

Kasey and Des finally go on their date, and I get bored and check out hot guys on OkCupid. They do repell dancing or something, and Kasey says "oh geez" a lot, and then they have drinks somewhere where it's windy. So they decide to jump into the pool and it was freezing. Then they kiss. It was boring, I think he got a rose.

The Lone Ranger Rides For Justice! Except For Today, When He's Riding For The Worst Network Promo Imaginable. 
Ohhh, Juan Paaaabloooo
Group date time! Western theme at "Rose & Thorn Ranch." Some idiot mentions that Des is in a dress from the "1900's or something" and this is when I decide to pay attention, because stupid people are hilarious. But then there's some super cheesy play-acting where Des fights off a guy on a balcony and the Rosebuds are like, "Whoa whoa whoa!" LIKE IT'S REAL, and then Des kicks the guy off the balcony, and this is where I decide that maybe I want to wait to watch the rest of this when I can logically have an alcoholic drink in my hand. So then Des joins the guys and says, "I'm excited for the guys to see my skills" and tells them "so that's how it's done," LIKE IT WAS REAL and I suddenly realize that Des often likes to take credit for stuff she really had no part in.

So the date is centered around learning stunts from the same team that did the stunts for The Lone Ranger. It's so weird how these timely promotional things keep finding themselves on this show! The competition for more time centers around the guys acting out a fight scene. It's mildly entertaining.

Ooooh...but then it's Juan Pablo's turn, and he speaks Spanish and act-fights! Mmmm, Juan Pablooooo. He wins! And so do all of we, because this means more of...Juan Pablo!

Des and Juan Pablo go to a little barn, where, surprise! They get to watch The Lone Ranger, which just so happens to be out in theaters RIGHT NOW! What a coincidence.

And then...they kiss. And then...I watch it again so I can imagine that I am the one kissing Juan Pablo. And then...I watch it again, to once again imagine kissing Juan Pablo.

And then they kiss again, and it's like the universe just knows my wishes and dreams and gives them to me.

Group date party night time! Des and Bryden go off together, and Des mentions that Bryden doesn't really make the moves, but when she goes in, then he goes for it. Get used to it, Des, because this is what it's like for the rest of your life with guys like that - you'll always have to make the first move. You'll always have to initiate sex, pick out your own ring, plan the trip, RSVP to the party, put in the offer for a new home. As long as you're cool with doing all the work that shouldn't come naturally, then you should pick Bryden.

She has more time with more guys, and I stop paying attention because I don't care anymore. 

The Cocktail Party That Turned Into a Hot Tub of Emotion

Chris calls the guys into the living room and announces that the cocktail party has been canceled, and instead, Des is inviting them to a casual, relaxed pool party.

Des arrives at the Rosebud Mansion in - whaddya know, her Bentley! - and Ben waylays her by asking her if she wants to go for a quick drive. Meanwhile, the guys are waiting at the pool for Des to arrive. Finally Des shows up, and the guys somehow find out that she went on a drive with Ben before the party, and they are pissed. HOW DARE BEN TRY TO MANIPULATE THIS SITUATION FOR TIME ALONE WITH HER! What kind of show does he think he's ON?! A dating show where the person who makes the best impression essentially WINS? But that's not the thing that pisses the guys off: It's that Ben lies to them about his drive with Des. So beefhead Mikey W confronts Ben, because it's his business. Michael G gets involved, too, because it's also his business.

And then Brandon gets some quiet time with Des, and tells her about how the whole thing with Brian and Stephanie really upset him. Oh, Brandon. C'mon, Brandon! Get it together. Quit crying all the time! Quit getting so serious before it makes sense to. You're getting clingy. And weird. And too, too intense.

Rose Ceremony! Brandon tells us that he told Des he was falling in love with her, and he couldn't feel better right now. Which means he's probably going home. Michael G and Mikey don't want Ben to get a rose, which of course means that Ben will.

It gets down to the final rose, and it's between Ben, Brandon, and some other dude with a weird face. The look on Brandon's face when he starts to realize that he might not get the rose...oh my god. I couldn't even take it. Ben gets the rose. The guy with the weird face - Dan, I guess his name is - handles it fine, but Brandon is like, "I think you just made a huge mistake" to Des, and he starts to walk out, and then she goes and gets him and pulls him away to talk some more. "The chemistry just wasn't there," she tells him. And he is way more upset about getting dumped three episodes in than any normal person should be. But he's in love with Des, you guys. He's known her for three days, and he's in love with her

Let's maybe talk about some therapy, Brandon. 
 Next week! The guys go to Atlantic City and have a Mr. America contest. All I noticed were speedos. So that should be fun. 

What did you think about this week's episode? Do you think Des made the right choice by sending Brian, Brandon, and Dan home? 

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